Rebirth

So why am I asking these questions now? I had gradually gotten used to the reality of my marriage, I had even accepted that whatever level of conflict we were experiencing was normal and unavoidable.

What happened was that the universe looked down on me and again gave me a gift of life, rebirth as it were. In short I fell hopelessly, madly, passionately in love with someone else. I connected emotionally with this person in ways I had forgotten existed, if I ever knew. I was reminded of what it is to forget to breathe when you see them or to find oneself staring at them unable to stop. I was reminded of what it is to look in someone's eyes and instantly "get" them and feel like they "get" you. To want them and feel wanted in every way. To count the minutes until you see them or hang on every word coming out of their mouth. To notice all the little features of their face and love every one of them. To think of seeing them and have your chest tighten. To think of not seeing them and wonder who just put a rusty nail through your heart. I know how hopelessly ridiculous this sounds. I know this is all ephemeral and fleeting. I know that if I were "with" this person for even a few weeks things would change. I know that it is because they were new and because I just didn't know the things I would hate about them, and they me. I know that if I left my spouse to be with them, in a few years the same play would be repeated with one casting change. I don't care. The fact is that the overwhelming power and reality of that experience was like nothing I ever remember experiencing (though I might have and just forgotten). It was real, it was good, it was pure and beautiful. It was overwhelming and all-consuming. It felt like so much more than sexual desire. It felt like it was about that most precious commodity: real intimacy.

The upshot of the above is that I suddenly remembered. I remembered what it was to feel and I wanted more of it. Wishing to use that flame of passion for good, I focused on reigniting that with my spouse. It worked, for a while. As long as I was willing to put in the effort and make things happen, they mostly did. We started a nightly after-kids-are-in-bed happy hour out on the patio, the Best Idea Ever. I started initiating sex and making it a great as I could. The sex was good, if somewhat dispassionate. We had long talks about our relationship and what was good or bad about it, about the nature of marriage: what is it, what can it be, what should it be. It was great. The problem is that I got tired of always being the one to put out the effort. I always seemed to "want" my spouse more than they did me, sexually but also in all the other ways that one can "want" someone. Eventually, I got burnt a couple times and kind of gave up. So now we are back to the way things were... except that I still remember.

So now what? I am in a good, even great, but passionless marriage, with this raging thirst for intimacy, romance, sex and just a little passion. All I want is for someone to occasionally be really excited to see me, eager to talk to me, hold me and kiss me like they mean it. What I wouldn't give for a passionate kiss. My spouse seems to not share those desires and is content with raising kids and building houses together, being friends, roommates, business partners.

I know my choices: stay, leave, cheat, and none appeal to me, not really. I am begrudginly constrained by a lucid view of reality, a latent sense of moral responsibility and a strong desire to not hurt or lose my spouse or kids.

God has a cruel sense of humor, but that the next post's topic.