Divorce club

Yesterday was one of the most interesting days I have had in a long time. I am still reeling from it.

I went to pick up my race packet for Nike's 'Human Race', a world-wide synchronized 10K race I am running today. On the way back I stopped by my favorite dive-bar and had a couple gin and tonics, the drink of the gods.

As I was about to leave a couple guys sat down at the other end of the bar. A couple minutes later another guy came and sat on the only seat left, next to me. The four of us began talking, and lo and behold, we had all been divorced, 3 of us recently or soon-to-be, one a couple years ago. All of us had our wives cheat on us. We talked for a while and then went elsewhere, where we met up with a 5th guy. Turns out he is also recently divorced, his wife having cheated on him too.

When I spoke to them, I didn't say much, I told them I was a couple weeks away from being divorced, that my wife had cheated on me and that it had been hard. Nothing more. I didn't need to. They knew me. They knew what I had felt, what I was feeling then, what I was thinking. The phase of emotions I was going through, what I needed, what I was looking for. They instantly knew everything I have been trying to express in this blog and to my friends for the last 6 months. They got me in ways no one had to date.

It turns out the insanity, depression and pain I felt over these last few months is completely normal. One guy didn't work for a year, and lived in his walk-in closet for 3 months. He spent an hour staring at a loaded gun, trying to figure out what to do with it. He drove his motorcycle at top speed, over 100 mph, for a long time, as I did, not caring what happened. Another guy had to take Xanax to cope with the (misplaced) guilt, depression and anger. All of them hit the bottle and other stuff hard. All of them are still not "over" their ex, they are still reeling from the loss, despite having had many relationships since.

It turns out none of their ex-spouses had any problems "moving on". As soon as they separated, their ex's picked up new serious relationships and never looked back, just like mine did. One guy's ex remarried 30 days after they divorced, 60 days after they filed for divorce. None of their ex's have any remorse, any regrets, any difficulty moving on, even the three who were married 15 years.

It was like discovering a posse of clones. We got each other. It was weird and magical and more comforting and validating than I know how to express.

I am not over it and it's alright, I'm normal. I'll be ok.

Breath

I feel I am swimming underwater.

I am occasionally stuck on the bottom, holding my breath and waiting for something to change, not knowing where to go, what to do.

Sometimes I am swimming along, enjoying the scenery, feeling no need for air, seeing the beauty and grace all around me, even in this confined, restrictive environment. In those moments, I am o.k., I can do this forever, my needs are met, I am content.

And occasionally I am frantically swimming for the surface, lungs screaming for air, barely able to hold my breath, waiting for the first sweet taste of life in all its glory. I know what it will feel like to burst through the surface, explosively exhale, then inhale... deeply. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm swimming for the top, I can see the surface, it is there, shimmering, glistening, tantalizing. It isn't far away, I can taste it already.

Divorce sucks

Ok,

So now lawyers are officially involved. I have mine, she has hers. We are still trying to do it "collaboratively" where my wife and I negotiate the terms and I dictate them to my lawyer. My lawyer will write up a decree, have it reviewed by her lawyer, and hopefully, since we agreed to everything beforehand, just sign it.

That's the plan.

What could possibly go wrong? (LOL)

The problem is that we both have this sense of being wronged: she rather extensively lied to me and betrayed my trust, even tangentially involved my kids in her cheating, making my oldest see things no 10 year-old should ever have to see. I am screwing her out of about $65K, which she would be entitled to in a 50/50 split.

The things is that she would lose, badly, if it went to court, and with it the rather generous visitation arrangement I am offering her. She would also probably owe me child support. I think she knows this. Additionally, neither of us really want this to turn into the horror freak-show that it would be. The balance of terror keeps the situation tensely stable.

These feelings lie very near the surface and this process of legalizing everything brings them out.

The level of conflict is unsustainably painful. We have another month to go, it feels like a year. I will be so happy when we are done, assuming it doesn't turn into WWIII between now and then.

Here's the funny part: this is an easy divorce. I can't fathom a hard one.

So here's tidbit of wisdom for anyone contemplating or starting a divorce: it hurts, it sucks. It starts out easy and gets very ugly very quickly.

God help us all.

The myth of the easy divorce

Ok, so I'm an idiot.

My friends, who all have been divorced, would look at me and gently smile, all but pat me on the head and say "of course you'll have an easy divorce", when I suggested as much.

There is no such thing as an easy divorce. It started out easy enough and almost could have continued that way, both of us being kind and gentle and supportive of each other, going to great lengths to make everything fair and easy. But something happened. I think something always does.

We had planned to watch some family videos and do some fun reminiscing on our 22nd and last anniversary. The night before our anniversary I had volunteered to watch our youngest so my future-ex could ask a co-worker out for drinks after work. I called later that night to let her know I would be by in the morning with my youngest to drop her off so I could go run an errand. She says she heard the phone but didn't want to answer. I stopped by in the morning, my daughter in her pull-up in my arms, my wife's brand-new boyfriend's car was in the driveway, they were still in bed.

I sort of went nuts.

I don't really know the exact reason, it could have been the spite this gesture would seem to require, it could be envy that she was able to so quickly move on and find someone withing a few days of deciding she wanted to, it could be that she seems to always get exactly was she wants, the injustice of the Universe rewarding her for her deceit and selfishness, or it could have been simple jealousy, even now.

She said she had forgotten it was our anniversary, she didn't know I would be upset, she forgot to listen to her messages. She may be telling the truth, I have no way of knowing. I didn't care, I still don't. Whether she did that out of spite or stupidity, it hurt. A lot. I recognize her moral right to sleep with whomever she feels like, even though we are technically still married. I get that. What I don't recognize is her moral right to go around ignoring the consequences her actions have on people.

Her callous disregard for my feelings (whether rational or not) destroyed in one instant any remaining sense of obligation to her. I no longer cared for anything being fair or for how she felt. I renegotiated the terms of our divorce. Since I hold all the cards, the negotiation was short. I recognize the somewhat vindictive nature of my actions, but I really just don't care anymore. Why is it my job to protect her interests and feelings when she doesn't do that for me? Am I stupid? Yes, I was, but I'm done.

This was on July 19th. I am no longer angry, but I no longer love her or even really like her, which I still did on July 18th. I should thank her, for in one fell swoop, I got over her. Completely. I no longer really care what happens to her, she is just some woman I have kids with, and am trying to remain polite with.

And that is sad. We used to love each other, she was my best friend. The death of love and friendship should always be mourned.