The myth of the easy divorce

Ok, so I'm an idiot.

My friends, who all have been divorced, would look at me and gently smile, all but pat me on the head and say "of course you'll have an easy divorce", when I suggested as much.

There is no such thing as an easy divorce. It started out easy enough and almost could have continued that way, both of us being kind and gentle and supportive of each other, going to great lengths to make everything fair and easy. But something happened. I think something always does.

We had planned to watch some family videos and do some fun reminiscing on our 22nd and last anniversary. The night before our anniversary I had volunteered to watch our youngest so my future-ex could ask a co-worker out for drinks after work. I called later that night to let her know I would be by in the morning with my youngest to drop her off so I could go run an errand. She says she heard the phone but didn't want to answer. I stopped by in the morning, my daughter in her pull-up in my arms, my wife's brand-new boyfriend's car was in the driveway, they were still in bed.

I sort of went nuts.

I don't really know the exact reason, it could have been the spite this gesture would seem to require, it could be envy that she was able to so quickly move on and find someone withing a few days of deciding she wanted to, it could be that she seems to always get exactly was she wants, the injustice of the Universe rewarding her for her deceit and selfishness, or it could have been simple jealousy, even now.

She said she had forgotten it was our anniversary, she didn't know I would be upset, she forgot to listen to her messages. She may be telling the truth, I have no way of knowing. I didn't care, I still don't. Whether she did that out of spite or stupidity, it hurt. A lot. I recognize her moral right to sleep with whomever she feels like, even though we are technically still married. I get that. What I don't recognize is her moral right to go around ignoring the consequences her actions have on people.

Her callous disregard for my feelings (whether rational or not) destroyed in one instant any remaining sense of obligation to her. I no longer cared for anything being fair or for how she felt. I renegotiated the terms of our divorce. Since I hold all the cards, the negotiation was short. I recognize the somewhat vindictive nature of my actions, but I really just don't care anymore. Why is it my job to protect her interests and feelings when she doesn't do that for me? Am I stupid? Yes, I was, but I'm done.

This was on July 19th. I am no longer angry, but I no longer love her or even really like her, which I still did on July 18th. I should thank her, for in one fell swoop, I got over her. Completely. I no longer really care what happens to her, she is just some woman I have kids with, and am trying to remain polite with.

And that is sad. We used to love each other, she was my best friend. The death of love and friendship should always be mourned.