Acceptance

Living with people is hard.

About a year ago my spouse and I were getting along horribly. There were several reasons for it, but a big one was that I could not accept the reality of who my spouse was and some of the decisions Pat had made. It went from the small (household chores), to personal habits, to large issues (money, sex/intimacy). I was unwilling to accept the way things were but was also unable to change them.

I think some of my complaints/concerns were legitimate. I don't think it matters.

My big revelation was that I needed to stop trying. It dawned on me that my spouse is no more able to change who s/he really is than I am of changing who I really am. Besides, who am I to say who s/he should be? That being the case, there is no point in trying to change each other: my spouse and I will either be able to meet enough of each other's needs or not. My nagging and pressuring accomplished nothing except make us miserable. I realized that the only thing I could do is choose to stay or leave, if the situation was truly unacceptable. I had the option. Me. I took ownership of that decision and accepted that leaving really was a possibility. Paradoxically, this really helped our interaction. It allowed me to state what I wanted and let it be. I now have "simple" questions to answer: is XYZ so horrible that I should leave? If so, I should go, if not I should let it go. Simple. This one realization, while not really resolving the outstanding issues between us, has greatly changed and improved the dynamic of our interaction.

Of course it isn't really that simple: do you leave your spouse for insufficient passion or emotional intimacy? (I don't know). But there were other issues where I was able to come to some conclusions: it is not worth leaving over housecleaning issues. It is worth leaving if some basic trust/money issues aren't resolved. This simplified and clarified for both of us what I *needed*. I think it allowed me to also be more honest about what I wanted (but maybe didn't need). I stopped nagging and trying to control my spouse, became a lot less frustrated, more at peace with myself and my spouse and apparently more pleasant to be around, or so I'm told.

The downside is that I think I am much more prepared to leave. Pat and I are both certain that we would divorce if it ever got "bad" between us again. I am pretty sure I would also leave if my basic needs were not getting met, even if we were getting along. I hope that isn't the case, but am willing to contemplate the possibility.

That was a major step forward for me: to be honest with myself. Be honest about what I wanted, be honest about what my non-negotiable items were. It was a major step in self-awareness to be able to state those.

So that was my big epiphany or this past summer, well one of them.