Houses

I had previously posted a lament, well several actually, about how my spouse views marriage primarily as a vehicle through which to raise kids, build houses and make a life together.

There might be some validity to my spouse's view.

I am not saying that I don't miss all that other great stuff: intimacy, romance, (some) passion. I do. Desperately. I haven't yet figured out if I can live without those.

So what am I saying?

Well first some background. Two rather big things happened today:

First, we closed on a house. I guess it brought home the "intimacy" of building a life together. That reminded me that this is "for real" and we are doing something worthwhile here. It isn't romantic, is isn't passionate, but it is a quiet, calm kind of intimacy. Like sharing something important with a friend, or being an important part of someone's life. Exactly like that actually.

The second thing that happened is that one of our old neighbors filed suit against my spouse on completely spurious (invented) grounds. I'm biased, but you'll just have to take my word on this. This has been soul-crushingly painful (and expensive) for us and particularly for my spouse. Some people are just horrible. This elicited two reactions in me: first and foremost anger, even hatred I would say. Secondly, feelings of sincere love and caring for my spouse who is one of the nicest, most giving people I know. This view of my spouse is universally held by everyone who knows Pat. This emphasized the point that another part of marriage is supporting and caring for each other, presenting a united front to the world. We have that. We have been through blindingly painful experiences, I am so happy I didn't have to do it alone.

So I was reminded that marriage has many dimensions to it and all are important. At various times in our lives some are more important that others. For me now, for whatever reason, I am craving intimacy/romance/passion. For my spouse, the parent/roommate stuff is paramount. I don't know if this difference is resolvable, survivable even, from the point of view of our marriage, whether it will persist or diminish with time, but I guess I gained a bit of perspective on marriage about things that I might have been overlooking before.

While it is hard for me not to think about the stuff I feel I am missing, I need to remember the stuff I do have and not take it for granted or forget that it too is important.

To the wonderful and maddening complexity of life, love, marriage, raising kids, building houses and being there for each other... cheers.