I have been in a romantic relationship for over a year now. As with all such things, the initial rush is replaced by the more quotidian reality of living, sleeping and sharing life with another person who, like all of us, is damaged and broken in significant ways, even as my flaws and deficiencies become obvious.
My girlfriend is about as good as they get: she is kind, loving, patient, hard-working. She loves my kids and me to a fault. She is as domestic and family-oriented as I am, and a great, really great mother. We have a lot of fun together. She is fully committed to the process of working through issues in our relationship. For reasons I fail to fully comprehend, she thinks I am the hottest guy to grace the planet with footsteps. She is also sometimes insecure, possessive, jealous, co-dependent, judgmental and a nicotine addict, all of which she is working on, striving mightily to overcome. She is very much in love with me and wants nothing more than to spend every moment with me, which can be both good and bad.
I have questions to answer:
- Am I ready to commit the time and effort required to manage, negotiate, compromise, forge into existence a mutually fulfilling relationship? (It is never free)
- Am I willing to expose myself to the risk of a fully committed relationship? If I disappoint my partner, fail to deliver what she expects of me, will she settle for using me as a means to an end, as my ex-wife did? What if she deeply disappoints me?
- Am I willing to once again subsume my individuality to the group-mind of 'married' life? effectively giving up any independent life, friends, interests? (or how much of those am I willing to trade in exchange for the good stuff of a relationship).
As important as those questions are, the question I find myself pondering most is what determines the amount of effort required to make a relationship work and the ultimate quality of the end result.
Are relationships always gruelingly hard? Is the effort required to make them work, the risk of being used, the extinction of one's independence determined by the individuals involved or the practical realities of their relationship?
Let's say, just for example, that a man and woman have an amazingly open, honest, profoundly (emotionally) intimate friendship, is it because:
A- These two people are well "matched", with "compatible" temperaments, interests, communication styles, values, humor, and backgrounds. They somehow establish and maintain an open, honest, healthy mode of interaction, through unwavering honesty, strong sense of self, devotion to Rule #1 ("Be happy") and to each other.
Or is it because:
B- They aren't *actually* dating. They aren't sleeping together, raising kids together, wrestling over money and house chores, dealing with raised toilet seats and moldy coffee cups, trying to figure out the balance between togetherness and independence, thereby simply avoiding the complications of a romantic relationship (jealousy, power struggle and simple stress). In other words, is friendship simply so very much easier than a full-on romantic/living relationship? If so, one must chose: a wonderfully open, intimate relationship OR a romantic one.
Option A is the romantic, optimistic (or is it delusional?) view: you only have to find a suitable match and establish/maintain a healthy, open, free relationship. Option B is the pessimistic, jaded (or is it realistic?) view: we are all interchangeable, the things that determine the nature of a relationship are its objective specifications (kids, money, sex).
As I ponder my life and what to do in the next few months, I think it really comes down to this question: "What to I believe?". I think we all want to believe in option 'A', I certainly do. Perhaps the raw leap of faith of believing in 'A', is what makes us human, and life worth living.
Or does the eternal optimism of 'A', however irresistibly attractive, merely expose us as us silly and irrational, never learning from experience, condemned to repeat the same mistake over and over in futile pursuit of what can never be, hurting ourselves and everyone else because we aren't willing to 'settle' for the world we *actually* live in?
When I figure it out, I'll have a better idea of what I should do.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Vegas, baby!
Over the three-day Valentine's Day/President's Day weekend in mid-February, my girlfriend and I went to Las Vegas, NV.
The most succinct description of Las Vegas I can conjure up is: New York City meets Disney Land meets a strip club/brothel.
It had the busyness, grittiness, rudeness, noise and crowds of a big city. It had artificially-fantastic themed hotels, the ersatz miniature worlds of a theme park. And it had sex. As other cities might have music, food, museums, art galleries, Las Vegas has sex. In Vegas, sex isn't an act of passion between two people, an expression of love or lust, it is just, only, merely, exclusively business. Sex in Vegas is a commodity like sugar or pork bellies. The most prominent display came in the form of gauntlets of men and women standing on the street, all hispanic, heavily bundled against the cold, forcefully handing out baseball-like cards featuring nude women. As you walked by, they would make their cards click or slap a card against the deck, and shove one in your direction. They would hand out cards to men and women alike. A phone number on the cards and emblazoned on T-shirts they wore could be called and a girl was "guaranteed" to be to your room within 20 minutes. Kind of like Domino's Pizza I guess, but different. In the vicinity of these gauntlets, the street was heavily littered with cards, thousands of miniature nude bodies laying out in the cold winter sun, like some kind of nudist beach for paper people.
Then there was the gambling, every hotel had ground floors with hundreds upon hundreds of slot machines, blackjack and poker tables, roulette and Keno. The noise, smell, lights were an assault on the senses. Smoking is allowed almost everywhere, and a thin haze filled the air.
In the morning, coming down for breakfast, we walked past bleary-eyed middle-aged women from Des Moines and Butte, still awake from the night before, still feeding the slot machines.
Interestingly, there was nowhere to sit. No outdoor benches, no chairs (except at slot machines), no couches in lobbies. I guess sitting doesn't make money, so isn't allowed.
There were also shows, lots and lots of shows. We went to see a (not-so-funny) comedy show, but also Cirque du Soleil's "Mystere", and David Copperfield, both of which were great. We saw a huge collection of antique cars.
We ate at several good buffets. I think I gained five pounds.
Drinks in Vegas are expensive, small, and watered-down. Stick to beer or wine.
We didn't really do that much, other than see our shows. We mostly just walked, mile upon mile, through all the big hotel lobbies, past the dancing fountains, and fake outdoor cafes, pirate ships, Venetian canals. We played a few slots, but never had (took) the time to play blackjack or other games we had planned to play. We were hilariously middle-aged, collapsing exhausted on the bed whenever we got back to the room.
All in all, it was an interesting trip. Vegas is a very strange, surreal place, yet it is part of this country, every bit as real as my town, my job, the rows upon rows of suburban houses of my neighborhood.
The most succinct description of Las Vegas I can conjure up is: New York City meets Disney Land meets a strip club/brothel.
It had the busyness, grittiness, rudeness, noise and crowds of a big city. It had artificially-fantastic themed hotels, the ersatz miniature worlds of a theme park. And it had sex. As other cities might have music, food, museums, art galleries, Las Vegas has sex. In Vegas, sex isn't an act of passion between two people, an expression of love or lust, it is just, only, merely, exclusively business. Sex in Vegas is a commodity like sugar or pork bellies. The most prominent display came in the form of gauntlets of men and women standing on the street, all hispanic, heavily bundled against the cold, forcefully handing out baseball-like cards featuring nude women. As you walked by, they would make their cards click or slap a card against the deck, and shove one in your direction. They would hand out cards to men and women alike. A phone number on the cards and emblazoned on T-shirts they wore could be called and a girl was "guaranteed" to be to your room within 20 minutes. Kind of like Domino's Pizza I guess, but different. In the vicinity of these gauntlets, the street was heavily littered with cards, thousands of miniature nude bodies laying out in the cold winter sun, like some kind of nudist beach for paper people.
Then there was the gambling, every hotel had ground floors with hundreds upon hundreds of slot machines, blackjack and poker tables, roulette and Keno. The noise, smell, lights were an assault on the senses. Smoking is allowed almost everywhere, and a thin haze filled the air.
In the morning, coming down for breakfast, we walked past bleary-eyed middle-aged women from Des Moines and Butte, still awake from the night before, still feeding the slot machines.
Interestingly, there was nowhere to sit. No outdoor benches, no chairs (except at slot machines), no couches in lobbies. I guess sitting doesn't make money, so isn't allowed.
There were also shows, lots and lots of shows. We went to see a (not-so-funny) comedy show, but also Cirque du Soleil's "Mystere", and David Copperfield, both of which were great. We saw a huge collection of antique cars.
We ate at several good buffets. I think I gained five pounds.
Drinks in Vegas are expensive, small, and watered-down. Stick to beer or wine.
We didn't really do that much, other than see our shows. We mostly just walked, mile upon mile, through all the big hotel lobbies, past the dancing fountains, and fake outdoor cafes, pirate ships, Venetian canals. We played a few slots, but never had (took) the time to play blackjack or other games we had planned to play. We were hilariously middle-aged, collapsing exhausted on the bed whenever we got back to the room.
All in all, it was an interesting trip. Vegas is a very strange, surreal place, yet it is part of this country, every bit as real as my town, my job, the rows upon rows of suburban houses of my neighborhood.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Forgiveness
I get it!!!
I finally think I understand what 'forgiveness' is: the definition of the word, or at least a definition, my definition.
When in the throes of the pain and rage resulting from my divorce and the events leading up to it, I remember wondering what in the world 'forgiveness' was. My world was so full of pain/anger, it blinded me. It was all I saw, no matter where I looked. My life was pain and anger. I couldn't imagine a world where it didn't consume me, where I could go 20 seconds without thinking about what happened, the injustice of it all.
As of fairly recently, that is no longer really the case... mostly. I feel I've turned a corner of sorts, something in my my mind clicked. The usual disclaimer applies: these are merely my reflections on my own experience and state of mind. I believe these to be true about me. I have no idea how universally they may or not apply to anyone else. This is true despite my use of didactic language, such as the use of the pronoun "you". I don't intend to sound pompous, it just comes naturally ;-)
What forgiveness is NOT:
'Forgiveness' has almost nothing to do with the person who wronged you. In that sense you aren't really forgiving them, it has little to do with them. "Forgiving someone" is misleading. It actually has nothing to do with anyone but you and your own state of mind.
I have not forgotten what happened, not one bit. If I think, I can recall the surreal moment in which I found out my entire marriage had been an elaborate hoax (a view I held, then distanced myself from, but am now coming back to to some degree). The reality of what happened is still clear in my mind, the incomprehensible, bewildering pain of my wife's extensive infidelity is no less real.
I also now see, in a way I didn't a few weeks ago, my ex' infidelity for the profoundly immoral, selfish, reckless, even evil action it was. Her use of so many close relationships of hers and mine to enable and cover up her shallow pursuit of happiness is despicable and wrong beyond words. I use such strong language to make a point: what was done to me and people I love is NOT ok, not even close. But forgiveness does not require that.
So what happened?
Through what mechanism have I achieved some measure of 'forgiveness'?
Also what does forgiveness mean if not that I have either partially forgotten the pain, seen its reality diminished, or downgraded the wrong done, 'gained perspective' on it to see that it wasn't that bad?
What forgiveness IS (my definition):
In a word, forgiveness is healing. Forgiveness is stopping caring (so much) about what happened. That's all.
To clarify and reiterate, I don't mean that forgiveness leads to healing, but that healing from the pain, the very fact that you can move past the pain IS forgiveness, a synonym for it. Being able to go a day without really thinking about the wrong done you... THAT is forgiveness.
Here's an SAT-inspired analogy: Forgiveness is to healing as losing weight is to becoming thin. They are the same thing. To say "you need to forgive to move on" is saying "you need to lose weight to become thin".
Three basic things have allowed me to begin to forgive, i.e. to partially get past the pain:
- Time.
- Revisiting/reexamining the wrong.
- Being free to be who I wish to be.
Time:
I said I hadn't forgotten. That's true, but time has given me some distance from the event, some perspective. By "perspective" I mean the pain is still there, but it is not this world-shattering, blinding bolt of pain/rage it once was. I can now see the world around me, I understand that this horrible thing is just part of my life. A very painful part. I will live on, I have an existence outside of the pain.
Revisiting the past:
I don't know if this will work for you, but I talked, thought and wrote incessantly about my life, divorce, thoughts, anger and pain. I constantly revisited what happened and why, for months. I still do, as you can see. I did it until I was exhausted, too tired to feel much of anything when I thought/talked/wrote about what happened. I used up a lot of the anger and pain of the event in words. Sometimes it seemed like I was just getting myself wound up over stuff that couldn't change because it lives in the past. Perhaps I was, but eventually even that stopped working at getting me very wound up. Yes what my wife did was bad, yes I was betrayed, what am I going to fix the kids for supper?
Being me:
As previously stated, 'forgiveness' means only that I am able to move past having been wronged, resume my life, and be who I want to be. That last bit is important. I now feel free to be me. Part of 'me' is new, part of me is who I was all along, but had been suppressed by a bad marriage and the pain of its end.
A part of me I have intentionally encouraged to flourish is a spirit of reconciliation, generosity and kindness, tempered by a clear definition of boundaries. I am choosing to extend to my ex kindness and generosity she has done nothing to deserve. She deserves only contempt, anger and spite, which I am free to show her, if that is what I want.
Yet I have very deliberately tried to re-establish a friendship with my ex-wife. I try to do nice things for her: bring her leftovers if she wants them, ask about her mental and physical health, her job, talk about the kids, offer to split certain expenses. I make time to speak to her when she needs to talk, I am polite and friendly. I have accepted her boyfriend and their relationship, even though it was not the easiest thing to do.
I am doing these things with the clear understanding that I expect nothing in return. I am not trying to change her, make her regret anything, help her see the light of how she should live. I frankly doubt she is capable of deep change, but would love to be proved wrong. I am not even doing these things as favors for her. I am doing these things for me, because that is who I want to be. If the above seems like I am painting too good a picture of myself, it is partially true. That wonderful, kind person is who I want to be, not necessarily who I always naturally am.
The point is that I feel free to be that person or his angry twin. I can do anything I want, be anyone I want. Lest you think me some altruistic angel, please believe me that I am this nice person for completely selfish motives.
First, it makes me like myself. I love thinking of myself as that nice guy. That's easier when I actually am nice. I love liking who I see in the mirror, even if he is just a bit of a poser.
Secondly, and much more importantly I find it almost impossible to really be angry with my ex when I am nice and friendly, gentle and giving of myself. Even just talking to my ex reminds me of the 25-year friendship we had, and the unbreakable bond of family we still have.
The anger that was eating at me like a rat was blocking me, preventing me from moving on, from healing. Being nice, "forgiving" in the commonly-used sense of the word, has defanged the rat. The rat will gum me at times, but then I just pick up the phone, call my ex and ask her if she wants some leftover Frito-pie, and I'm happy. The rat goes back in his hole.
I am conscious that in being nice to someone who hurt me so badly, I am worsening the fundamental injustice of the universe. She deserves the worst, but instead of doing my share to even the balance of pain, I am making the unbalance worse. I don't care. It isn't my job to make the universe fair, I need to look out for myself, I need to do this.
I'm being somewhat sarcastic, dramatic, perhaps funny in what I said about fairness. It is in fact often difficult, sometimes very difficult for me to see my ex suffer few obvious consequences for her choices. The truth is I often desperately want her to feel every shred of pain she inflicted on me and mine. Unfortunately, any act of revenge would be a Pyrrhic victory, hurting me more than her. The universe has a twisted sense of humor that way. Take the above paragraph as a statement of how I want to think. Still working on it.
Perhaps what I have discovered has a spark of universality to it: in order to 'forgive' (move on), you have to get over your anger. Maybe the only way to do that is to extend to the offending party unearned and undeserved grace, kindness and generosity. Maybe that behavior toward others is observed, and called "forgiving others", even though it has nothing to do with them and is completely selfishly motivated.
I finally think I understand what 'forgiveness' is: the definition of the word, or at least a definition, my definition.
When in the throes of the pain and rage resulting from my divorce and the events leading up to it, I remember wondering what in the world 'forgiveness' was. My world was so full of pain/anger, it blinded me. It was all I saw, no matter where I looked. My life was pain and anger. I couldn't imagine a world where it didn't consume me, where I could go 20 seconds without thinking about what happened, the injustice of it all.
As of fairly recently, that is no longer really the case... mostly. I feel I've turned a corner of sorts, something in my my mind clicked. The usual disclaimer applies: these are merely my reflections on my own experience and state of mind. I believe these to be true about me. I have no idea how universally they may or not apply to anyone else. This is true despite my use of didactic language, such as the use of the pronoun "you". I don't intend to sound pompous, it just comes naturally ;-)
What forgiveness is NOT:
'Forgiveness' has almost nothing to do with the person who wronged you. In that sense you aren't really forgiving them, it has little to do with them. "Forgiving someone" is misleading. It actually has nothing to do with anyone but you and your own state of mind.
I have not forgotten what happened, not one bit. If I think, I can recall the surreal moment in which I found out my entire marriage had been an elaborate hoax (a view I held, then distanced myself from, but am now coming back to to some degree). The reality of what happened is still clear in my mind, the incomprehensible, bewildering pain of my wife's extensive infidelity is no less real.
I also now see, in a way I didn't a few weeks ago, my ex' infidelity for the profoundly immoral, selfish, reckless, even evil action it was. Her use of so many close relationships of hers and mine to enable and cover up her shallow pursuit of happiness is despicable and wrong beyond words. I use such strong language to make a point: what was done to me and people I love is NOT ok, not even close. But forgiveness does not require that.
So what happened?
Through what mechanism have I achieved some measure of 'forgiveness'?
Also what does forgiveness mean if not that I have either partially forgotten the pain, seen its reality diminished, or downgraded the wrong done, 'gained perspective' on it to see that it wasn't that bad?
What forgiveness IS (my definition):
In a word, forgiveness is healing. Forgiveness is stopping caring (so much) about what happened. That's all.
To clarify and reiterate, I don't mean that forgiveness leads to healing, but that healing from the pain, the very fact that you can move past the pain IS forgiveness, a synonym for it. Being able to go a day without really thinking about the wrong done you... THAT is forgiveness.
Here's an SAT-inspired analogy: Forgiveness is to healing as losing weight is to becoming thin. They are the same thing. To say "you need to forgive to move on" is saying "you need to lose weight to become thin".
Three basic things have allowed me to begin to forgive, i.e. to partially get past the pain:
- Time.
- Revisiting/reexamining the wrong.
- Being free to be who I wish to be.
Time:
I said I hadn't forgotten. That's true, but time has given me some distance from the event, some perspective. By "perspective" I mean the pain is still there, but it is not this world-shattering, blinding bolt of pain/rage it once was. I can now see the world around me, I understand that this horrible thing is just part of my life. A very painful part. I will live on, I have an existence outside of the pain.
Revisiting the past:
I don't know if this will work for you, but I talked, thought and wrote incessantly about my life, divorce, thoughts, anger and pain. I constantly revisited what happened and why, for months. I still do, as you can see. I did it until I was exhausted, too tired to feel much of anything when I thought/talked/wrote about what happened. I used up a lot of the anger and pain of the event in words. Sometimes it seemed like I was just getting myself wound up over stuff that couldn't change because it lives in the past. Perhaps I was, but eventually even that stopped working at getting me very wound up. Yes what my wife did was bad, yes I was betrayed, what am I going to fix the kids for supper?
Being me:
As previously stated, 'forgiveness' means only that I am able to move past having been wronged, resume my life, and be who I want to be. That last bit is important. I now feel free to be me. Part of 'me' is new, part of me is who I was all along, but had been suppressed by a bad marriage and the pain of its end.
A part of me I have intentionally encouraged to flourish is a spirit of reconciliation, generosity and kindness, tempered by a clear definition of boundaries. I am choosing to extend to my ex kindness and generosity she has done nothing to deserve. She deserves only contempt, anger and spite, which I am free to show her, if that is what I want.
Yet I have very deliberately tried to re-establish a friendship with my ex-wife. I try to do nice things for her: bring her leftovers if she wants them, ask about her mental and physical health, her job, talk about the kids, offer to split certain expenses. I make time to speak to her when she needs to talk, I am polite and friendly. I have accepted her boyfriend and their relationship, even though it was not the easiest thing to do.
I am doing these things with the clear understanding that I expect nothing in return. I am not trying to change her, make her regret anything, help her see the light of how she should live. I frankly doubt she is capable of deep change, but would love to be proved wrong. I am not even doing these things as favors for her. I am doing these things for me, because that is who I want to be. If the above seems like I am painting too good a picture of myself, it is partially true. That wonderful, kind person is who I want to be, not necessarily who I always naturally am.
The point is that I feel free to be that person or his angry twin. I can do anything I want, be anyone I want. Lest you think me some altruistic angel, please believe me that I am this nice person for completely selfish motives.
First, it makes me like myself. I love thinking of myself as that nice guy. That's easier when I actually am nice. I love liking who I see in the mirror, even if he is just a bit of a poser.
Secondly, and much more importantly I find it almost impossible to really be angry with my ex when I am nice and friendly, gentle and giving of myself. Even just talking to my ex reminds me of the 25-year friendship we had, and the unbreakable bond of family we still have.
The anger that was eating at me like a rat was blocking me, preventing me from moving on, from healing. Being nice, "forgiving" in the commonly-used sense of the word, has defanged the rat. The rat will gum me at times, but then I just pick up the phone, call my ex and ask her if she wants some leftover Frito-pie, and I'm happy. The rat goes back in his hole.
I am conscious that in being nice to someone who hurt me so badly, I am worsening the fundamental injustice of the universe. She deserves the worst, but instead of doing my share to even the balance of pain, I am making the unbalance worse. I don't care. It isn't my job to make the universe fair, I need to look out for myself, I need to do this.
I'm being somewhat sarcastic, dramatic, perhaps funny in what I said about fairness. It is in fact often difficult, sometimes very difficult for me to see my ex suffer few obvious consequences for her choices. The truth is I often desperately want her to feel every shred of pain she inflicted on me and mine. Unfortunately, any act of revenge would be a Pyrrhic victory, hurting me more than her. The universe has a twisted sense of humor that way. Take the above paragraph as a statement of how I want to think. Still working on it.
Perhaps what I have discovered has a spark of universality to it: in order to 'forgive' (move on), you have to get over your anger. Maybe the only way to do that is to extend to the offending party unearned and undeserved grace, kindness and generosity. Maybe that behavior toward others is observed, and called "forgiving others", even though it has nothing to do with them and is completely selfishly motivated.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Best Book... Ever
I just want to plug what is, I think, the best book I've ever read:
Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled"
It's rather well known, but I had never read it. My therapist recommended it to me. It's like reading an instruction manual on people. It has had a profound influence, in just the few days I've been reading it, on my view of myself, my choices, my parenting, my ex, my parents, love, marriage.
That's all.
Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled"
It's rather well known, but I had never read it. My therapist recommended it to me. It's like reading an instruction manual on people. It has had a profound influence, in just the few days I've been reading it, on my view of myself, my choices, my parenting, my ex, my parents, love, marriage.
That's all.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Reflections on Divorce
Ok, this may sound like I know what everyone's experience of divorce will be. I don't. These are *really* just my reflections on my experience of my divorce.
I have chosen to maintain in fairly close contact, geographically and otherwise, with my ex. This is not the choice most people make.
I was motivated by seeing guy friends of mine whose ex' cheated on them. They just picked up, told their ex' to have a nice life and left. Both of them are bitter and angry to this day, 10 years later. They were never able to let go of those feelings. It's as though their feelings are frozen as the way they were when they left, there was no resolution.
Wishing to avoid that, to allow the kids to have as normal a life as possible, and to salvage as much of the love and friendship which did in fact characterize much of my marriage, I made the choice I did.
I don't yet know if remaining close my ex was right or not, time will tell. I sometimes wish I had just taken the kids, gotten full custody, made her give me child support. I would have gotten a certain amount of satisfaction from that. On the other hand, I don't want to be the angry-ex, I don't want to hold onto my anger, allowing it to eat at me. I want to be forgiving and kind, because that is who I want to be, not because she deserves anything.
Here's the deal: divorce sucks. It is traumatic and painful; it will mark your life like almost no other event I can think of. These are my thoughts on how to minimize that trauma.
1- Talk to people, stay busy
One thing I am confident in saying is you should talk to a lot of people about what you are going/went through, preferably people who have been divorced. They can provide you with useful advice, insight and support. Lean on your friends, family, colleagues, professional counselors, anyone who has been through a divorce, knows you, or has reason to know what they are talking about. It doesn't matter if you find yourself saying the same thing over and over. If they are good friends, or paid professionals ;-), they will listen. Do it.
Stay busy. Resume your hobbies or pick up new ones, exercise, read/write, build stuff, work hard.
I found there are several things that really help me deal with divorce depression: exercise, not drinking too much (or even at all, I find it accentuates depression the next day) eating and sleeping right, writing and interacting with friends. Oh yeah, and my girlfriend, my "human Prozac". There is nothing like the feeling of being loved, really loved. Friends are good for that too.
2- Pre-negotiate the terms of your divorce
If possible, pre-negotiate the terms of your divorce. Agree with your spouse on the division of property, money, children, pets. My spouse and I knew exactly how we wanted our divorce to read. I hired a lawyer and told her to write up our decree with those terms. Any changes my lawyer suggested were discussed with my spouse. Keep everything clear and transparent. Decide up front to care about as little possible, only the stuff that really matters. Pick your battles very, very carefully You have two motivations to do this: money and emotional trauma.
Even my completely uncontested "just write it up" divorce cost $4000. A friend who went through a collaborative process paid about $20,000. I can't imagine a contested or ugly divorce. Every item requiring lawyers to negotiate will cost you hundreds or thousands of dollars. All that money you worked so hard to save will vanish. Unless you have no kids and little/no joint property, I would still recommend getting a lawyer involved, just because they know what kinds of things should go into a decree.
Your second motivation is emotional trauma. You thought arguing while you were married sucked? It's worse during a divorce. Everything fought over leaves scars, anger and bitterness. You'll have plenty of that, you don't need more. This is the time to be very adult and philosophical about things. How much do you *really* care about that ELO album? You can get another. Family pictures? get copies.
Negotiate living locations. We ended up living 4 blocks from each other, which is working out very well. My kids go back and forth weekly (we have alternating custody: one week on, one week off) and even during the week just to visit or get stuff. They didn't have to lose any friends, change schools. Do what works for you.
Ask some of your divorced friends what terms they have in their decree. Think carefully about the terms. Maybe hire a counselor to help you come up with terms that make sense and will work, based on their experience. Pick a counselor with a lot of divorce experience, preferably someone who has been divorced with kids themselves. Anything is better than working things out between lawyers.
3- Expect differences in behavior, post-divorce.
This is largely a reflection on the different ways in which men and women seem to react to divorce. I've spoken with a lot of people about divorce and there is this strange but very consistent difference between how men and women react.
Women are, perhaps counter-stereotypically, rational, calm, and matter-of-fact about it. By the time the divorce is over, they are done and ready to move on. They may be sad, but seem to accept the reality and finality of what has happened. They certainly have regrets, but they put them behind and carry on with their lives. They seem to have little/no desire to talk to their ex, no desire to resolve anything, it's just over.
Men tend to have a much harder time. I certainly did. We seem to be left seeking answers, resolution. I want to know *why* what happened happened. I want to examine the minute details of me and my ex's personalities, why and how our marriage fell apart. I desperately want resolution with her, I want to fill the void left by the death of my marriage, the loss of my family. I want her to remain a friend so I don't feel like this was all for absolutely nothing. These feelings may not be rational, but they are very strong. Men tend to get much more depressed than women, even nearly suicidal. This is normal. It sucks, but it will pass, it is normal. Get help, talk to people. Take anti-depressants if it helps. Don't freaking drink.
My ex looks at me and says "what do you want? we're done, what is there to talk about?". I look at her and say "how can you just walk away from a 25-year relationship?".
Try to understand and accomodate the other person, even though we both understand they are, truly, the spawn of Satan. It will pay off for you.
4- Expect yourself and/or your ex to be angry, jealous, crazy.
Ok. I went through a pretty intense crazy period. Immediately after separating, my ex started dating. I nearly lost my mind. I was jealous and angry. It isn't that I didn't want her to date, or thought she would come back, but it was hard to see her just move on without a care in the world, to see her life turning out just dandy, particularly given that her outrageous behavior was the proximate cause of our divorce. Every conversation we had turned into me blaming her. My anger was in full bloom and had largely taken over my life. Even if my accusations were true, those were not useful conversations. The past is past, it can't be changed.
I am not a bad person, I don't think, but I was very difficult to be around for those first few months. Impossible really.
5- Don't expect to understand your ex nor be understood by them.
As mentioned above, my ex' actions during our marriage were fairly egregious. More than fairly. To this day she doesn't really get how bad what she did was. Here's the deal: she never will understand how I feel. My ex will never understand, really understand how badly she hurt me, what it is like for me to feel my entire marriage was a sham (which is not true by the way, just what I feel), the profound, soul-crushing nature of her betrayal and violation of my trust.
And you know what? She can't understand. She will never 'get it', partly because of her own limitations, and partly just because that depth of emotion is not something that can be understood unless experienced.
Similarly, I will never really understand the ways in which I hurt or disappointed her, I don't 'get' my own failures.
I don't understand how my ex could do the incredibly selfish, destructive things she did unless she hated me, and wanted the marriage to end. I never will understand her. Yet, she probably loved me in her own way, at least at some time, and didn't want the marriage to end, despite her actions.
I am sure she sees my failures (which I really don't see, although they are there) in the same way.
It doesn't matter who is at fault, who did what. No one will *really* understand the other. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it's true. There ain't no justice, even in the blame game.
Of everything, this is one of the hardest things for me. I so desperately want my ex to 'get it', to feel my pain, understand me. It isn't going to happen. I had to let go of that hope. We never really understand anyone or their motivations, probably not even our own.
6- Maintain separation, but seek reconciliation.
Certainly at first, try to keep a clean separation between the two of you to reduce conflict. Don't ask for favors, don't expect anything from each other, you are divorced. Don't stop by their house to get stuff. Don't stop by their house unannounced. If you are late getting home and need your dog to be let out, ask a friend or neighbor. Assiduously discharge any obligations you have under your divorce decree. Avoid the appearance of skirting the letter or spirit of your decree.
Having established a clean boundary between you two, eventually try to establish, re-establish or maintain a friendship by maintaining simple, unloaded communication. Avoid heavy discussions. Ask your ex about their job, family. Talk about kids. If you are comfortable, eventually ask them over for supper with kids, if you have them, or a drink on the back patio while you watch kids play. If you feel like it, but only if you really do, do nice stuff for them, just because you want to. Don't do it thinking you'll get them back, make them regret anything, get something in return. If you're still at the get-them-back stage, keep your distance. You may never want to have them as a friend, or they, you, that's ok too.
Identify and avoid the problems of your marriage. In mine, some were: who did the most work (so doing favors was a really bad idea, post-divorce), money (so we never discuss finances), sex (we don't have any real discussions about our new relationships), telling the other person what to do, being unappreciated (so I try to thank her when she does stuff for the kids).
Try to become Zen about the new relationships your ex may now have. I decided I needed to get to know the guy she's dating, as he would be around my kids, so I invited them over for drinks last Sunday. My girlfriend was there too. It was a bit awkward, but it was ok, no one died. We eventually started talking about cars, jobs. My ex and I told funny family stories. It was a bit weird, but ok. You know what? my ex's boyfriend isn't a bad guy. He will probably never become a close friend, but he's ok. We both like beer and have in common that we care about my ex and my kids, not a bad starting point.
7- Try to avoid the common post-divorce dating mistakes
Here are some:
- Retreat into embittered celibacy. If men/women are such assholes/bitches (since your ex is), you never want to see another one. People need people. You need to have fun, do something other than stew over your divorce. If dating is too much, just go out with friends. Don't let the pain of your divorce cut you off from other people.
Nonetheless, there is something to be said for a time of quiet solitude. Being alone is simple and can be very peaceful. It gives you time for stuff you've always wanted to do: run, read, write, brew beer, build a deck, learn Spanish.
- Repeat your past dysfunctional behaviors or expect your new love to repeat those of your ex. I find myself trying to 'protect' my girlfriend from things that would (unreasonably) have made my ex angry. That is crazy. My girlfriend is not my ex. Her issues are different, and if they weren't I probably shouldn't be with her. I am also trying to learn from the pain of my failed marriage: what did I do that really was bad? How can I be a better, happier person, parent, partner. It's hard because at least some of that is deeply ingrained. It is also hard to admit that my ex, the spawn of Satan, may have anything useful or true to say about me. I am nonetheless hopeful, it's a chance to change myself.
- Get into a serious relationship with the first person you date. I did that. It isn't that it is so bad, in many ways she is wonderful and the best thing that could have happened to me. Nonetheless, I find myself having second thoughts about whether I want to be committed, obligated so quickly. A serious relationship takes time away from your other friends, hobbies, exercise, quiet alone time. I am not really free to spontaneously go out with friends, especially if one or more friends are women. That's just the way things are. Also, the likelyhood of this relationship surviving your crazy period is low, so spare that other nice person the drama you will drag them through.
Notwithstanding the above, for many of us (me), a serious committed relationship is in fact exactly what we need at the time. The sense of loss, void and despair we feel can only be met by a serious, emotionally intimate relationship. If so, do it, enjoy it, but be honest and truthful with the person you date, let them decide if they want to stay with the nut-case you will inevitably be during your break-in phase.
- Date like a crazy person. That isn't bad unless taken to extremes or you have kids living with you: a different person ever other night, sleeping with everything that moves and has the requisiste body parts. A friend of mine dated 80 women (that he remembers) in one year. Do the math. Interestingly, he reported it as very unsatisfying. Think of your kids, your duty to care for them and show them responsible behavior, what you want them to do when they are 20. if you find yourself blowing off your kids for the person you are dating or want to date, you have a problem. Stop it. There are also issues of STDs, pregnancy, and the emotional distress you may be putting the other person through if they think it is more than just a short fling.
If you don't have kids, you are careful and honest, and it fills a need of yours, go ahead. Relive that youth you may miss or have never had. Dating people is how you'll figure out what you really want (or not) in life and a potential partner.
8-Give time time
Here's the bottom line: you're going to be 'crazy' for a while, probably a year or more. Longer the longer you were married, the more difficult your divorce was, and if you are a guy.
My really crazy period (depression, anger, insomnia) seems to be over, but I've resigned myself to being at least slightly unbalanced for a good couple years. I still have a year to go, ok 18 months. It's ok, I'll get better eventually. Think of it as a really, really long cold.
Your kids will probably get over it much faster than you will. As long as you both make an effort to be good to them and to each other, their lives will not suck and they will adapt.
Your world as you knew it ended, but there is a whole new world out there. Be patient.
I hate being patient.
I have chosen to maintain in fairly close contact, geographically and otherwise, with my ex. This is not the choice most people make.
I was motivated by seeing guy friends of mine whose ex' cheated on them. They just picked up, told their ex' to have a nice life and left. Both of them are bitter and angry to this day, 10 years later. They were never able to let go of those feelings. It's as though their feelings are frozen as the way they were when they left, there was no resolution.
Wishing to avoid that, to allow the kids to have as normal a life as possible, and to salvage as much of the love and friendship which did in fact characterize much of my marriage, I made the choice I did.
I don't yet know if remaining close my ex was right or not, time will tell. I sometimes wish I had just taken the kids, gotten full custody, made her give me child support. I would have gotten a certain amount of satisfaction from that. On the other hand, I don't want to be the angry-ex, I don't want to hold onto my anger, allowing it to eat at me. I want to be forgiving and kind, because that is who I want to be, not because she deserves anything.
Here's the deal: divorce sucks. It is traumatic and painful; it will mark your life like almost no other event I can think of. These are my thoughts on how to minimize that trauma.
1- Talk to people, stay busy
One thing I am confident in saying is you should talk to a lot of people about what you are going/went through, preferably people who have been divorced. They can provide you with useful advice, insight and support. Lean on your friends, family, colleagues, professional counselors, anyone who has been through a divorce, knows you, or has reason to know what they are talking about. It doesn't matter if you find yourself saying the same thing over and over. If they are good friends, or paid professionals ;-), they will listen. Do it.
Stay busy. Resume your hobbies or pick up new ones, exercise, read/write, build stuff, work hard.
I found there are several things that really help me deal with divorce depression: exercise, not drinking too much (or even at all, I find it accentuates depression the next day) eating and sleeping right, writing and interacting with friends. Oh yeah, and my girlfriend, my "human Prozac". There is nothing like the feeling of being loved, really loved. Friends are good for that too.
2- Pre-negotiate the terms of your divorce
If possible, pre-negotiate the terms of your divorce. Agree with your spouse on the division of property, money, children, pets. My spouse and I knew exactly how we wanted our divorce to read. I hired a lawyer and told her to write up our decree with those terms. Any changes my lawyer suggested were discussed with my spouse. Keep everything clear and transparent. Decide up front to care about as little possible, only the stuff that really matters. Pick your battles very, very carefully You have two motivations to do this: money and emotional trauma.
Even my completely uncontested "just write it up" divorce cost $4000. A friend who went through a collaborative process paid about $20,000. I can't imagine a contested or ugly divorce. Every item requiring lawyers to negotiate will cost you hundreds or thousands of dollars. All that money you worked so hard to save will vanish. Unless you have no kids and little/no joint property, I would still recommend getting a lawyer involved, just because they know what kinds of things should go into a decree.
Your second motivation is emotional trauma. You thought arguing while you were married sucked? It's worse during a divorce. Everything fought over leaves scars, anger and bitterness. You'll have plenty of that, you don't need more. This is the time to be very adult and philosophical about things. How much do you *really* care about that ELO album? You can get another. Family pictures? get copies.
Negotiate living locations. We ended up living 4 blocks from each other, which is working out very well. My kids go back and forth weekly (we have alternating custody: one week on, one week off) and even during the week just to visit or get stuff. They didn't have to lose any friends, change schools. Do what works for you.
Ask some of your divorced friends what terms they have in their decree. Think carefully about the terms. Maybe hire a counselor to help you come up with terms that make sense and will work, based on their experience. Pick a counselor with a lot of divorce experience, preferably someone who has been divorced with kids themselves. Anything is better than working things out between lawyers.
3- Expect differences in behavior, post-divorce.
This is largely a reflection on the different ways in which men and women seem to react to divorce. I've spoken with a lot of people about divorce and there is this strange but very consistent difference between how men and women react.
Women are, perhaps counter-stereotypically, rational, calm, and matter-of-fact about it. By the time the divorce is over, they are done and ready to move on. They may be sad, but seem to accept the reality and finality of what has happened. They certainly have regrets, but they put them behind and carry on with their lives. They seem to have little/no desire to talk to their ex, no desire to resolve anything, it's just over.
Men tend to have a much harder time. I certainly did. We seem to be left seeking answers, resolution. I want to know *why* what happened happened. I want to examine the minute details of me and my ex's personalities, why and how our marriage fell apart. I desperately want resolution with her, I want to fill the void left by the death of my marriage, the loss of my family. I want her to remain a friend so I don't feel like this was all for absolutely nothing. These feelings may not be rational, but they are very strong. Men tend to get much more depressed than women, even nearly suicidal. This is normal. It sucks, but it will pass, it is normal. Get help, talk to people. Take anti-depressants if it helps. Don't freaking drink.
My ex looks at me and says "what do you want? we're done, what is there to talk about?". I look at her and say "how can you just walk away from a 25-year relationship?".
Try to understand and accomodate the other person, even though we both understand they are, truly, the spawn of Satan. It will pay off for you.
4- Expect yourself and/or your ex to be angry, jealous, crazy.
Ok. I went through a pretty intense crazy period. Immediately after separating, my ex started dating. I nearly lost my mind. I was jealous and angry. It isn't that I didn't want her to date, or thought she would come back, but it was hard to see her just move on without a care in the world, to see her life turning out just dandy, particularly given that her outrageous behavior was the proximate cause of our divorce. Every conversation we had turned into me blaming her. My anger was in full bloom and had largely taken over my life. Even if my accusations were true, those were not useful conversations. The past is past, it can't be changed.
I am not a bad person, I don't think, but I was very difficult to be around for those first few months. Impossible really.
5- Don't expect to understand your ex nor be understood by them.
As mentioned above, my ex' actions during our marriage were fairly egregious. More than fairly. To this day she doesn't really get how bad what she did was. Here's the deal: she never will understand how I feel. My ex will never understand, really understand how badly she hurt me, what it is like for me to feel my entire marriage was a sham (which is not true by the way, just what I feel), the profound, soul-crushing nature of her betrayal and violation of my trust.
And you know what? She can't understand. She will never 'get it', partly because of her own limitations, and partly just because that depth of emotion is not something that can be understood unless experienced.
Similarly, I will never really understand the ways in which I hurt or disappointed her, I don't 'get' my own failures.
I don't understand how my ex could do the incredibly selfish, destructive things she did unless she hated me, and wanted the marriage to end. I never will understand her. Yet, she probably loved me in her own way, at least at some time, and didn't want the marriage to end, despite her actions.
I am sure she sees my failures (which I really don't see, although they are there) in the same way.
It doesn't matter who is at fault, who did what. No one will *really* understand the other. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it's true. There ain't no justice, even in the blame game.
Of everything, this is one of the hardest things for me. I so desperately want my ex to 'get it', to feel my pain, understand me. It isn't going to happen. I had to let go of that hope. We never really understand anyone or their motivations, probably not even our own.
6- Maintain separation, but seek reconciliation.
Certainly at first, try to keep a clean separation between the two of you to reduce conflict. Don't ask for favors, don't expect anything from each other, you are divorced. Don't stop by their house to get stuff. Don't stop by their house unannounced. If you are late getting home and need your dog to be let out, ask a friend or neighbor. Assiduously discharge any obligations you have under your divorce decree. Avoid the appearance of skirting the letter or spirit of your decree.
Having established a clean boundary between you two, eventually try to establish, re-establish or maintain a friendship by maintaining simple, unloaded communication. Avoid heavy discussions. Ask your ex about their job, family. Talk about kids. If you are comfortable, eventually ask them over for supper with kids, if you have them, or a drink on the back patio while you watch kids play. If you feel like it, but only if you really do, do nice stuff for them, just because you want to. Don't do it thinking you'll get them back, make them regret anything, get something in return. If you're still at the get-them-back stage, keep your distance. You may never want to have them as a friend, or they, you, that's ok too.
Identify and avoid the problems of your marriage. In mine, some were: who did the most work (so doing favors was a really bad idea, post-divorce), money (so we never discuss finances), sex (we don't have any real discussions about our new relationships), telling the other person what to do, being unappreciated (so I try to thank her when she does stuff for the kids).
Try to become Zen about the new relationships your ex may now have. I decided I needed to get to know the guy she's dating, as he would be around my kids, so I invited them over for drinks last Sunday. My girlfriend was there too. It was a bit awkward, but it was ok, no one died. We eventually started talking about cars, jobs. My ex and I told funny family stories. It was a bit weird, but ok. You know what? my ex's boyfriend isn't a bad guy. He will probably never become a close friend, but he's ok. We both like beer and have in common that we care about my ex and my kids, not a bad starting point.
7- Try to avoid the common post-divorce dating mistakes
Here are some:
- Retreat into embittered celibacy. If men/women are such assholes/bitches (since your ex is), you never want to see another one. People need people. You need to have fun, do something other than stew over your divorce. If dating is too much, just go out with friends. Don't let the pain of your divorce cut you off from other people.
Nonetheless, there is something to be said for a time of quiet solitude. Being alone is simple and can be very peaceful. It gives you time for stuff you've always wanted to do: run, read, write, brew beer, build a deck, learn Spanish.
- Repeat your past dysfunctional behaviors or expect your new love to repeat those of your ex. I find myself trying to 'protect' my girlfriend from things that would (unreasonably) have made my ex angry. That is crazy. My girlfriend is not my ex. Her issues are different, and if they weren't I probably shouldn't be with her. I am also trying to learn from the pain of my failed marriage: what did I do that really was bad? How can I be a better, happier person, parent, partner. It's hard because at least some of that is deeply ingrained. It is also hard to admit that my ex, the spawn of Satan, may have anything useful or true to say about me. I am nonetheless hopeful, it's a chance to change myself.
- Get into a serious relationship with the first person you date. I did that. It isn't that it is so bad, in many ways she is wonderful and the best thing that could have happened to me. Nonetheless, I find myself having second thoughts about whether I want to be committed, obligated so quickly. A serious relationship takes time away from your other friends, hobbies, exercise, quiet alone time. I am not really free to spontaneously go out with friends, especially if one or more friends are women. That's just the way things are. Also, the likelyhood of this relationship surviving your crazy period is low, so spare that other nice person the drama you will drag them through.
Notwithstanding the above, for many of us (me), a serious committed relationship is in fact exactly what we need at the time. The sense of loss, void and despair we feel can only be met by a serious, emotionally intimate relationship. If so, do it, enjoy it, but be honest and truthful with the person you date, let them decide if they want to stay with the nut-case you will inevitably be during your break-in phase.
- Date like a crazy person. That isn't bad unless taken to extremes or you have kids living with you: a different person ever other night, sleeping with everything that moves and has the requisiste body parts. A friend of mine dated 80 women (that he remembers) in one year. Do the math. Interestingly, he reported it as very unsatisfying. Think of your kids, your duty to care for them and show them responsible behavior, what you want them to do when they are 20. if you find yourself blowing off your kids for the person you are dating or want to date, you have a problem. Stop it. There are also issues of STDs, pregnancy, and the emotional distress you may be putting the other person through if they think it is more than just a short fling.
If you don't have kids, you are careful and honest, and it fills a need of yours, go ahead. Relive that youth you may miss or have never had. Dating people is how you'll figure out what you really want (or not) in life and a potential partner.
8-Give time time
Here's the bottom line: you're going to be 'crazy' for a while, probably a year or more. Longer the longer you were married, the more difficult your divorce was, and if you are a guy.
My really crazy period (depression, anger, insomnia) seems to be over, but I've resigned myself to being at least slightly unbalanced for a good couple years. I still have a year to go, ok 18 months. It's ok, I'll get better eventually. Think of it as a really, really long cold.
Your kids will probably get over it much faster than you will. As long as you both make an effort to be good to them and to each other, their lives will not suck and they will adapt.
Your world as you knew it ended, but there is a whole new world out there. Be patient.
I hate being patient.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Our first bondage kit
I am writing of this only because it is too funny to go unmentioned, poor taste notwithstanding.
My girlfriend and I were shopping for a "surprise" present for my upcoming birthday at a Spencer's store in the mall. Spencer's is a store with a lot of weird gifts. Some are creepy, some are funny, some are sciency, it's hard to explain. We were looking around the store, soaking it all in when mis-heard something, clearly not what my girlfriend had actually said. What I *heard* was "our first bondage kit". I laughed, turned and looked to where she was pointing: a box with "Our First Bondage Kit" printed on the side in big, bold letters. I swear I'm not making this up, I can't, it wouldn't be funny, too over-the-top, you wouldn't believe me. It had handcuffs, a leather strap, a feather, possibly other stuff.
I guess it's kind of like "My First Pony", the pink plastic pony with big blue eyes and a blond mane they used to advertise on TV to 7 year-old girls. But different. Very different.
Much like 'My First Pony' boxes, 'Our First Bondage Kit' Boxes have helpful illustrations of what one my want to do with the contents. Thoughtful of them, really.
I'm now imagining a movie clip , or, hey! perhaps an ad for 'Our First Bondage Kits': an old couple, in their eighties, walking on the beach, holding hands, maybe one is terminally ill, just a few months left to live. They are wistfully looking back on their life together, their kids, their youth. One turns to the other and says: "Dearest, do you remember Our First Bondage Kit (tm)?". Their eyes well with happy tears at the sweet, gentle memories of leather restraints, gags and handcuffs, whips and chains, screams of anguish and delight. The sun sets to swelling melancolic music as their intertwined fingers tighten and a tear rolls down a cheek.
We got a huge stuffed Homer Simpson doll.
My girlfriend and I were shopping for a "surprise" present for my upcoming birthday at a Spencer's store in the mall. Spencer's is a store with a lot of weird gifts. Some are creepy, some are funny, some are sciency, it's hard to explain. We were looking around the store, soaking it all in when mis-heard something, clearly not what my girlfriend had actually said. What I *heard* was "our first bondage kit". I laughed, turned and looked to where she was pointing: a box with "Our First Bondage Kit" printed on the side in big, bold letters. I swear I'm not making this up, I can't, it wouldn't be funny, too over-the-top, you wouldn't believe me. It had handcuffs, a leather strap, a feather, possibly other stuff.
I guess it's kind of like "My First Pony", the pink plastic pony with big blue eyes and a blond mane they used to advertise on TV to 7 year-old girls. But different. Very different.
Much like 'My First Pony' boxes, 'Our First Bondage Kit' Boxes have helpful illustrations of what one my want to do with the contents. Thoughtful of them, really.
I'm now imagining a movie clip , or, hey! perhaps an ad for 'Our First Bondage Kits': an old couple, in their eighties, walking on the beach, holding hands, maybe one is terminally ill, just a few months left to live. They are wistfully looking back on their life together, their kids, their youth. One turns to the other and says: "Dearest, do you remember Our First Bondage Kit (tm)?". Their eyes well with happy tears at the sweet, gentle memories of leather restraints, gags and handcuffs, whips and chains, screams of anguish and delight. The sun sets to swelling melancolic music as their intertwined fingers tighten and a tear rolls down a cheek.
We got a huge stuffed Homer Simpson doll.
Holiday Traditions
My family has a rather unique tradition at major holidays.
Whereas some American families eat turkey, watch football, gather to sing songs or watch fireworks, we undertake home remodeling projects. We seem to bond over hammers, nails, sawdust and insulation, long workdays toiling in the mud and dust, attics and outdoor brush. Or perhaps just because it's fun.
I should clarify that when I say "fun" it isn't Disneyland fun, body-surfing fun, going out to hear great music or eat good food or drinking "fun". I do know the difference. This fun is hard, tiring, at times frustrating and painful. No, this is the fun that comes from connecting deeply with another human being, getting to really know that person by working with them, achieving something together, laughing at the mistakes we make and the very paradox and weirdness of finding pleasure in hard work. It is the fun of giving of yourself unconditionally, without reserve or expecting anything back, or receiving that gift from others. It is the fun of knowing someone cares enough about you to give up turkey, football, drinking and fireworks, or the fun of being able to express that kind of caring from someone else.
Here are some examples:
- My brother Pete, my dad and I spending a 15-hour day crawling in my sister's house's crawl-space insulating her floor, then another day in her attic (partially insulated with blown cellulose, to make breathing impossible without dust masks) further insulating it. This was Thanksgiving.
- My brother Ben and his friend spending a couple weeks around Thanksgiving building a modest 12'x24', 2-story 'shed' (think 'garage').
- My brother Pete and my Dad coming over July 4th to clear an acre of thorn bushes (3 days), replace a couple doors, insulate and provide a floor to an attic space (30 hours over 2 days), and paint.
- My brothers Pete and Ben coming over another July 4th to help me finish my 1500 sq foot deck project (2 weeks).
- Me and my ex-wife hand-mixing and pouring concrete two Christmases in a row, one in a light snow with a 1-year old in many layers of blankets in the shelter of the eaves.
- Easter Sunday painting the basement my ex and I had just spent the last 6 months finishing (I guess you could count all the holidays in that 6-month period).
- Christmas driving up to Pete's house to meet him and my sister Debbie, who flew in from Charlotte, to help him remove wallpaper, paint, varnish floors, install stove and washer.
- Christmas driving 1500 miles to move the rest of the stuff from my old house, fix up a few sundry things and get it ready for sale. This was with my renter, Brian, who rapidly became a good friend.
This may sound strange to some, but those are some of my happiest, most meaningful memories. Perhaps it's striving toward a shared goal, facing a challenge together. I don't know, but I genuinely grew closer to those people during those difficult but fun times.
In what is perhaps sub-consciously a test of sorts, I spent a couple days just before and after this past Christmas with my girlfriend building a shelf which covers the entire back wall of my garage: 16'x8'x2'. We planned it together, discussed building techniques, measurements, pros and cons of different approaches. We then bought and hauled the lumber together, built it together, laughed together at our mistakes and accidents (it's no fun unless some blood is shed), hooted at the idea of spending all of Christmas Eve day "partying" by doing this.
We loaded up the shelves and I drove my car into the previously-cluttered garage today.
This is the stuff of life, the stuff that builds and cements a relationship. Regardless of what the future holds for my girlfriend and me, she has become part of my ritual of hard physical labor on holidays, brought me more happiness than she probably knows and given me the best present I know of.
Whereas some American families eat turkey, watch football, gather to sing songs or watch fireworks, we undertake home remodeling projects. We seem to bond over hammers, nails, sawdust and insulation, long workdays toiling in the mud and dust, attics and outdoor brush. Or perhaps just because it's fun.
I should clarify that when I say "fun" it isn't Disneyland fun, body-surfing fun, going out to hear great music or eat good food or drinking "fun". I do know the difference. This fun is hard, tiring, at times frustrating and painful. No, this is the fun that comes from connecting deeply with another human being, getting to really know that person by working with them, achieving something together, laughing at the mistakes we make and the very paradox and weirdness of finding pleasure in hard work. It is the fun of giving of yourself unconditionally, without reserve or expecting anything back, or receiving that gift from others. It is the fun of knowing someone cares enough about you to give up turkey, football, drinking and fireworks, or the fun of being able to express that kind of caring from someone else.
Here are some examples:
- My brother Pete, my dad and I spending a 15-hour day crawling in my sister's house's crawl-space insulating her floor, then another day in her attic (partially insulated with blown cellulose, to make breathing impossible without dust masks) further insulating it. This was Thanksgiving.
- My brother Ben and his friend spending a couple weeks around Thanksgiving building a modest 12'x24', 2-story 'shed' (think 'garage').
- My brother Pete and my Dad coming over July 4th to clear an acre of thorn bushes (3 days), replace a couple doors, insulate and provide a floor to an attic space (30 hours over 2 days), and paint.
- My brothers Pete and Ben coming over another July 4th to help me finish my 1500 sq foot deck project (2 weeks).
- Me and my ex-wife hand-mixing and pouring concrete two Christmases in a row, one in a light snow with a 1-year old in many layers of blankets in the shelter of the eaves.
- Easter Sunday painting the basement my ex and I had just spent the last 6 months finishing (I guess you could count all the holidays in that 6-month period).
- Christmas driving up to Pete's house to meet him and my sister Debbie, who flew in from Charlotte, to help him remove wallpaper, paint, varnish floors, install stove and washer.
- Christmas driving 1500 miles to move the rest of the stuff from my old house, fix up a few sundry things and get it ready for sale. This was with my renter, Brian, who rapidly became a good friend.
This may sound strange to some, but those are some of my happiest, most meaningful memories. Perhaps it's striving toward a shared goal, facing a challenge together. I don't know, but I genuinely grew closer to those people during those difficult but fun times.
In what is perhaps sub-consciously a test of sorts, I spent a couple days just before and after this past Christmas with my girlfriend building a shelf which covers the entire back wall of my garage: 16'x8'x2'. We planned it together, discussed building techniques, measurements, pros and cons of different approaches. We then bought and hauled the lumber together, built it together, laughed together at our mistakes and accidents (it's no fun unless some blood is shed), hooted at the idea of spending all of Christmas Eve day "partying" by doing this.
We loaded up the shelves and I drove my car into the previously-cluttered garage today.
This is the stuff of life, the stuff that builds and cements a relationship. Regardless of what the future holds for my girlfriend and me, she has become part of my ritual of hard physical labor on holidays, brought me more happiness than she probably knows and given me the best present I know of.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Knights and Princesses
Men are born to be knights, it's in our genes.
Most men have a strong desire to be heroic, brave, self-sacrificing providers. It defines men as men.
An illustration of that is how men live to a large degree for their families, and particularly for their ladies. Wanting to please, impress their women is why men work, fix houses, stay in shape, pursue careers. It isn't that men don't have ambitions or interests of their own, but for most, a desire to be seen by their women as strong, useful, resourceful, is a huge part of their motivation.
The old stereotype of women leading men to accomplish things is largely true. Moreover, I think it is good, the way things truly are and should be, political correctness notwithstanding.
I have come to see this first-hand as I am now single.
Whereas I used to occupy much of my time with home improvement projects, yard work, cleaning the house and various other tasks, I now have a very hard time motivating myself to do any of those. Even my hobbies have fallen by the wayside. I am no more lazy than I used to be, I just find myself asking "why"? What is the point of keeping my yard looking good? The fact is that I want someone to impress, someone to tell me how proud they are of me for keeping a clean kitchen, building a deck or shelves in the garage, how good my homemade bread, beer and yogurt is. There are some who undoubtedly see this as a weakness, why can't I just want to do those things on my own? I don't know, but that is who I am, and who I think a lot of men are, probably most.
I want to be someone's domestic knight, hunting down money, slaying bugs and spiders, driving away snakes, rescuing my yard from ugliness, my lady from screaming kids, and gallantly sacrificing my weekends to build sheds and paint siding. I want my woman to look up to me for my bravery and valour, industriousness and tenacity, honour and courage.
Fairy tales are not stories so much as reference manuals on how to be a real man.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a load of dirty laundry to conquer.
Most men have a strong desire to be heroic, brave, self-sacrificing providers. It defines men as men.
An illustration of that is how men live to a large degree for their families, and particularly for their ladies. Wanting to please, impress their women is why men work, fix houses, stay in shape, pursue careers. It isn't that men don't have ambitions or interests of their own, but for most, a desire to be seen by their women as strong, useful, resourceful, is a huge part of their motivation.
The old stereotype of women leading men to accomplish things is largely true. Moreover, I think it is good, the way things truly are and should be, political correctness notwithstanding.
I have come to see this first-hand as I am now single.
Whereas I used to occupy much of my time with home improvement projects, yard work, cleaning the house and various other tasks, I now have a very hard time motivating myself to do any of those. Even my hobbies have fallen by the wayside. I am no more lazy than I used to be, I just find myself asking "why"? What is the point of keeping my yard looking good? The fact is that I want someone to impress, someone to tell me how proud they are of me for keeping a clean kitchen, building a deck or shelves in the garage, how good my homemade bread, beer and yogurt is. There are some who undoubtedly see this as a weakness, why can't I just want to do those things on my own? I don't know, but that is who I am, and who I think a lot of men are, probably most.
I want to be someone's domestic knight, hunting down money, slaying bugs and spiders, driving away snakes, rescuing my yard from ugliness, my lady from screaming kids, and gallantly sacrificing my weekends to build sheds and paint siding. I want my woman to look up to me for my bravery and valour, industriousness and tenacity, honour and courage.
Fairy tales are not stories so much as reference manuals on how to be a real man.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a load of dirty laundry to conquer.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Stairs and Laundry Baskets
And now, for your education and amusement, my two girls have graciously agreed to demonstrate for you the proper use of laundry baskets and carpeted stairs. No children have been harmed in the production of these photos... mostly.
Terminal velocity remained sub-sonic... just barely.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
What Happens If My Sister Dies?
One of the things I am discovering of late is the importance of acknowledging and speaking the truth, particularly when it is uncomfortable.
When faced with a hard reality, adults so often hide the truth, soft-pedal it, pretend it isn't there, hope it will improve with time. Kids don't do that.
I have a wonderfully outspoken, inquisitive 6 year-old girl, a veritable fount of uncomfortable statements. Here are a few:
- "If my sister died, would we get another kid? I want someone to play with."
- "Is 'Debbie' (the woman I have been dating for 3 months) going to be my stepmother?"
- (laughing) "I forgot you and Mom were divorced, I thought she was still here in the house " (resumes playing)
- "Oh, man, I'm going to miss you when I go to Mom's, I wish you could come with me"
I adore the completely uninhibited openness and honesty of those phrases. There wasn't any hesitation, squeamishness, nothing. Just a question or statement. Take it or leave it, reality is what it is.
I was initially uncomfortable with those statements. She wasn't. She just put them out there and resumed whatever she was doing. Those statements may have made me uncomfortable, but they did not, in fact, kill me, because they were true, and I knew it.
When do we forget how to do that? When do we start couching everything in such carefully crafted sentences, worrying so much about how the truth will be received?
I am more guilty of that than most, I want to please people, make them happy. Like me... please? There is a place for being kind, sensitive, caring. Where that crosses over into an outright distortion of the truth, I don't know, but I cross that line more than I want to.
So here's to being more like my little girl, to seeing and saying things as they are, to not worrying (so much) what the impact of the truth is, to letting reality be what it is, because in the end, it always is anyway.
When faced with a hard reality, adults so often hide the truth, soft-pedal it, pretend it isn't there, hope it will improve with time. Kids don't do that.
I have a wonderfully outspoken, inquisitive 6 year-old girl, a veritable fount of uncomfortable statements. Here are a few:
- "If my sister died, would we get another kid? I want someone to play with."
- "Is 'Debbie' (the woman I have been dating for 3 months) going to be my stepmother?"
- (laughing) "I forgot you and Mom were divorced, I thought she was still here in the house " (resumes playing)
- "Oh, man, I'm going to miss you when I go to Mom's, I wish you could come with me"
I adore the completely uninhibited openness and honesty of those phrases. There wasn't any hesitation, squeamishness, nothing. Just a question or statement. Take it or leave it, reality is what it is.
I was initially uncomfortable with those statements. She wasn't. She just put them out there and resumed whatever she was doing. Those statements may have made me uncomfortable, but they did not, in fact, kill me, because they were true, and I knew it.
When do we forget how to do that? When do we start couching everything in such carefully crafted sentences, worrying so much about how the truth will be received?
I am more guilty of that than most, I want to please people, make them happy. Like me... please? There is a place for being kind, sensitive, caring. Where that crosses over into an outright distortion of the truth, I don't know, but I cross that line more than I want to.
So here's to being more like my little girl, to seeing and saying things as they are, to not worrying (so much) what the impact of the truth is, to letting reality be what it is, because in the end, it always is anyway.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Words
I love words.
It may be obvious to those who know me, or perhaps merely by virtue of the fact that I write this blog, but I love words.
I love the way words sound, their texture, the way they feel coming off the tip of my tongue or fingertips. I relish the vibrancy of the image well-chosen words paint, how tangibly, almost palpably they can outline the speaker's soul.
Words are the pallet with which I paint my universe and the medium through which I experience it.
I love finding just the right word, the right expression to explain how I feel, what I see. I love feeling I understand exactly what someone is trying to say, getting them.
This realization about myself is a minor epiphany: I am a talker. Talking, listening, reading and writing is how I experience not only the world, but people; how I make contact and establish intimacy with them.
Not everyone is like that. I recently had a conversation with my ex, in which we noted how different we were. She mentioned how she and her current boyfriend can spend 30 or 45 minutes driving somewhere, or walking, or sitting, and never say a word, not one. They consider this good. I think my ex views words as assaults on her tranquility, things to deal with. Given a choice, she would much rather sit in silence, simply peacefully cohabitate, in parallel, never really interacting, just 'being there' for each other. That, to me, is death, but worse. I know, I lived that way for the last 7 years I was married. It killed me.
I do not understand how non-talkers establish intimacy if not with words. Perhaps they don't, or not as much. Perhaps they don't want, need, yearn for it as much as I. I don't know. Despite having been married to a non-talker for 22 years, I don't get them, and I can't because they won't talk about themselves.
Perhaps the 'strong silent' persona is an outward expression of inner strength, security, tranquility. Perhaps my wordiness is the demonstration of the opposite. It may be, but that's still me, I can't change it.
What is funny, almost hilarious, is how incredibly different my ex and I are, yet how we never noticed this most basic, fundamental difference.
It may be obvious to those who know me, or perhaps merely by virtue of the fact that I write this blog, but I love words.
I love the way words sound, their texture, the way they feel coming off the tip of my tongue or fingertips. I relish the vibrancy of the image well-chosen words paint, how tangibly, almost palpably they can outline the speaker's soul.
Words are the pallet with which I paint my universe and the medium through which I experience it.
I love finding just the right word, the right expression to explain how I feel, what I see. I love feeling I understand exactly what someone is trying to say, getting them.
This realization about myself is a minor epiphany: I am a talker. Talking, listening, reading and writing is how I experience not only the world, but people; how I make contact and establish intimacy with them.
Not everyone is like that. I recently had a conversation with my ex, in which we noted how different we were. She mentioned how she and her current boyfriend can spend 30 or 45 minutes driving somewhere, or walking, or sitting, and never say a word, not one. They consider this good. I think my ex views words as assaults on her tranquility, things to deal with. Given a choice, she would much rather sit in silence, simply peacefully cohabitate, in parallel, never really interacting, just 'being there' for each other. That, to me, is death, but worse. I know, I lived that way for the last 7 years I was married. It killed me.
I do not understand how non-talkers establish intimacy if not with words. Perhaps they don't, or not as much. Perhaps they don't want, need, yearn for it as much as I. I don't know. Despite having been married to a non-talker for 22 years, I don't get them, and I can't because they won't talk about themselves.
Perhaps the 'strong silent' persona is an outward expression of inner strength, security, tranquility. Perhaps my wordiness is the demonstration of the opposite. It may be, but that's still me, I can't change it.
What is funny, almost hilarious, is how incredibly different my ex and I are, yet how we never noticed this most basic, fundamental difference.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Life Philosophies
When it rains, it pours. After not writing for over a month, this is my second post of the day. I was originally going to shoe-horn this into the last post, but then thought it would do better on it's own.
I have been given two wonderful life philosophies in the last year.
Life Philosophy #1:
Live your life by two rules:
1- Be happy
2- Don't hurt others
On the very rare occasion where there is a real conflict between the two, pick rule 1.
Life Philosophy #2:
This is a direct quote from the movie "Second Hand Lions", in which the character played by Robert Duvall says:
"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most: that people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in"
At first blush, the first life philosophy seems like an argument for Hedonism. It isn't. I am finding it more and more true that the more "selfish" we are, watching out for our own basic happiness, the better it is for everyone. Perhaps the converse is clearer: if we compromise our own basic happiness to protect others' feelings or a relationship, we hurt everyone. I find this hard because my first instinct is to 'protect' other people's feelings by suppressing my own basic needs and wants. The more open we are, especially on issues where there is hurt, conflict or disagreement, the closer, more real, intimate, true and meaningful our relationships are.
Even if true honesty exposes irreconcilable differences and terminates a relationship, it does so earlier, with less pain and loss than would occur after perpetuating an unsustainable and hurtful relationship. I should know, I did that for 15 years, even though, in hindsight, I knew better.
The second life philosophy is an eloquent argument for faith. It is the statement that life is only worth living if lived without compromising one's basic principles. It says that a life without ideals isn't worth living, it is tepid, insipid, meaningless. That quote says that life should be, must be, about more than eating, sleeping, working, copulating, reproducing, having fun. A life should mean something. One should be able to look back on their life and not regret having compromised who they are for the taudry business of survival.
It resonated with me as I have let the pain and disappointment of my failed marriage sour me on the idea of finding True Love. I need to believe in it, whether or not it is true, kind of like training for a race one has no chance of winning. I think my lack of belief in True Love has tainted my attitude in looking for it. I am too analytical, half-hearted, perfectly exemplified by my post of an hour ago. I need to believe in the (perhaps fallacious idea) that there exists at least one person out there who will take my breath away, lay my soul bare with their gaze and with whom I will be in love with 'forever' and they, me. I need to believe that even if my previous post's taxonomy of relationships is correct, it will become irrelevant when faced with the overwhelming power of the right relationship.
While the hopeless romanticism of that last paragraph, caveats notwithstanding, has me reaching for the 'delete' key, I think the faith it expresses is necessary to find someone with whom that is even a possibility.
I would love to hear other perspectives, please give me yours, anonymously if need be.
I have been given two wonderful life philosophies in the last year.
Life Philosophy #1:
Live your life by two rules:
1- Be happy
2- Don't hurt others
On the very rare occasion where there is a real conflict between the two, pick rule 1.
Life Philosophy #2:
This is a direct quote from the movie "Second Hand Lions", in which the character played by Robert Duvall says:
"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most: that people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in"
At first blush, the first life philosophy seems like an argument for Hedonism. It isn't. I am finding it more and more true that the more "selfish" we are, watching out for our own basic happiness, the better it is for everyone. Perhaps the converse is clearer: if we compromise our own basic happiness to protect others' feelings or a relationship, we hurt everyone. I find this hard because my first instinct is to 'protect' other people's feelings by suppressing my own basic needs and wants. The more open we are, especially on issues where there is hurt, conflict or disagreement, the closer, more real, intimate, true and meaningful our relationships are.
Even if true honesty exposes irreconcilable differences and terminates a relationship, it does so earlier, with less pain and loss than would occur after perpetuating an unsustainable and hurtful relationship. I should know, I did that for 15 years, even though, in hindsight, I knew better.
The second life philosophy is an eloquent argument for faith. It is the statement that life is only worth living if lived without compromising one's basic principles. It says that a life without ideals isn't worth living, it is tepid, insipid, meaningless. That quote says that life should be, must be, about more than eating, sleeping, working, copulating, reproducing, having fun. A life should mean something. One should be able to look back on their life and not regret having compromised who they are for the taudry business of survival.
It resonated with me as I have let the pain and disappointment of my failed marriage sour me on the idea of finding True Love. I need to believe in it, whether or not it is true, kind of like training for a race one has no chance of winning. I think my lack of belief in True Love has tainted my attitude in looking for it. I am too analytical, half-hearted, perfectly exemplified by my post of an hour ago. I need to believe in the (perhaps fallacious idea) that there exists at least one person out there who will take my breath away, lay my soul bare with their gaze and with whom I will be in love with 'forever' and they, me. I need to believe that even if my previous post's taxonomy of relationships is correct, it will become irrelevant when faced with the overwhelming power of the right relationship.
While the hopeless romanticism of that last paragraph, caveats notwithstanding, has me reaching for the 'delete' key, I think the faith it expresses is necessary to find someone with whom that is even a possibility.
I would love to hear other perspectives, please give me yours, anonymously if need be.
Hold or Fold
I've been dating a woman for over 2 months now, she's the one who inspired my last blog entry entitled 'Domestic Impulse'. Let me call her 'Debbie' from here on.
My musings over the nature and future of our relationship has led me to the following thought about relationships: all relationships (not just romantic ones, also friends, kids, family) may be comprised of the following components, as appropriate to the relationship.
The following are different aspects of one central idea: you and the other person 'want' each other, you hunger, thirst, wish for, and desire contact with each other.
The type of relationship determines the type of interaction desired: physical proximity, emotional, intellectual, sexual, long-term planning.
Forgetting everything else, the most basic barometer of the health of a relationship is how much you 'want' the other person.
These categories, along with their definitions/required components are:
I- Fun (Friendship)
- Wanting to have fun.
- Desire to share the other person's real-world life, activities.
- Enjoy (any) activities involving the other person (shopping, building decks, bathing kids, riding bike, watching movie, watching football game, volunteering, going to park, cleaning house, fishing, working on cars, going to church).
II- Intimacy/emotional connection (Love)
- 'Static' (historic) knowledge of personal things.
- Communication (free, open, frequent, effective)
- Desire to know/understand the other person fully, to fully share all aspects of their life, particularly the emotional/intellectual ones.
- Empathy (being able and *wanting* to see the world through their eyes)
- Having and wanting a deep, 'dynamic' knowledge and understanding of the other person, what makes them tick?
III- Compatibility
- Sense of humor (how much and which kind: are farts funny?)
- Stress response (how upset are you over a broken dish, window, spilled milk, unintentional hurt, job stress).
- Philosophical/political/religious outlook (eg: basic attitude toward gays, minorities, immigrants, prayer in school, Rush Limbaugh).
- Lifestyle (smoking, drinking, exercise, diet)
IV- Sex (Lover)
- Wanting to pleasure and be pleasured by the other other person.
- Being attracted to the other person.
- Listening to the other person, talking to the other person about what they/you want.
- Being enthusiastic about it, desiring the other person.
V- Partnership (Life Partner)
- Wanting to make a life together
- Wanting to plan for the long-term
Debbie and I have a few things right. Most important is that we do 'fun' really well, an important component of which is that of the domestic variety. I very much enjoy sharing my life with her: going shopping, playing with my youngest at the park, cooking supper. She helps me clean my house on Saturday, not because mopping floors is that much fun, but because we are together and working toward a (small) common goal. She will be moving into her new apartment soon (she was living with a relative), and I am downright giddy at the idea of helping her set up her place. I think I would describe it as a bond of close friendship. I care deeply for her and she for me. We wish to share each other's lives, provide each other companionship, comfort and friendship. It feels right, good, comfortable, warm. When I am with her, I am serene, calm, happy. It is said that men express and receive love through action. When I am with her, I feel loved and I love the bond knit of doing stuff together. To reiterate, I love sharing my life with her.
I nevertheless have doubts about the long-term viability of our relationship, as we seem to have some challenges the area of intimacy. I don't know how to distinguish that from what I described above except that I don't always feel like she 'gets' me, understands me to my core, and I don't feel I really get her.
Part of that may be cultural. Debbie comes from a very different background than I do. I do not consider this difference bad, but as a matter of practical reality, it makes deep communication more difficult. We lack some cultural and linguistic references upon which relies so much of communication and a deep understanding of others. The world Debbie comes from has different rules than mine: hers are more absolute, black/white, direct, whereas my world is one of tortured nuance, and seemingly interminable dithering over questions of propriety or right and wrong.
Part of our issue with intimacy certainly comes from personal differences: as this blog shows, I want to fully explore all issues surrounding a topic, decision or problem. She doesn't. Whereas I find that fleshing-out differences, uncertainties or even conflicts brings me closer to the other person, she finds it sad, depressing, confrontational or even threatening. She has been hurt and subsequently angry when I explain how I miss certain aspects of my old life, like knowing my place in the world, or that I regret my marriage didn't turn out to be what I hoped it could have been. I see delving into areas of disagreement or hearing things I don't want to hear as seeing into someone's soul, finding out who they really are, not just who they want me to see. I find those conversations more intimate and soul-barring than sex ever could be. I have subsequently found myself guarding what I say, for fear of hurting Debbie or starting a spat, a response I consider my own failure, though one I find hard to overcome. This concerns me more than anything else, as this was a characteristic of the relationship with my ex I have no desire to repeat. This could be me not giving Debbie enough credit for being able to deal with stuff, I don't know.
So the bottom line is that I while love many aspects of my relationship with Debbie, it is missing something as it stands today. As I see it, I have three options:
- Accept this as 'good enough' for now, because it genuinely is good, and build on it for the long-term, hoping that it can become enough of what I need it to be to make us both happy. Hope the intimacy and openness of communication can grow as our understanding and trust of each other grows. This option is premised on the notion that relationships are more about the mechanics of communication, compromise and co-habitation than raw emotions which are fleeting and temporary.
- Take it as a temporary relationship, in which we are both getting the love and support we need for now, understanding that at some point in the not too distant future it will end, lovingly.
- Hold out for someone with whom intimacy and openness comes more easily, and hope that intimacy and openness can be nurtured to last and grow for a long time, call it 'forever'. This is the romantic option, the option of faith and hope in True Love (tm). More on that in the next blog. This idea is not the opposite of the first, above, but places more importance on 'chemistry' than the first.
I don't know what to do, I really don't. At the moment I am taking it a day at a time. I will admit I have something of a deadline in mind by which to make up my mind. Debbie is good for me now, I really am happy and content. She is a wonderful, precious person, giving, kind and generous. One interesting thing: since I met her, I have little/no desire to drink in excess, I'm not trying to fill a void anymore. Funny that.
I'll let you know how it goes.
'night y'all.
My musings over the nature and future of our relationship has led me to the following thought about relationships: all relationships (not just romantic ones, also friends, kids, family) may be comprised of the following components, as appropriate to the relationship.
The following are different aspects of one central idea: you and the other person 'want' each other, you hunger, thirst, wish for, and desire contact with each other.
The type of relationship determines the type of interaction desired: physical proximity, emotional, intellectual, sexual, long-term planning.
Forgetting everything else, the most basic barometer of the health of a relationship is how much you 'want' the other person.
These categories, along with their definitions/required components are:
I- Fun (Friendship)
- Wanting to have fun.
- Desire to share the other person's real-world life, activities.
- Enjoy (any) activities involving the other person (shopping, building decks, bathing kids, riding bike, watching movie, watching football game, volunteering, going to park, cleaning house, fishing, working on cars, going to church).
II- Intimacy/emotional connection (Love)
- 'Static' (historic) knowledge of personal things.
- Communication (free, open, frequent, effective)
- Desire to know/understand the other person fully, to fully share all aspects of their life, particularly the emotional/intellectual ones.
- Empathy (being able and *wanting* to see the world through their eyes)
- Having and wanting a deep, 'dynamic' knowledge and understanding of the other person, what makes them tick?
III- Compatibility
- Sense of humor (how much and which kind: are farts funny?)
- Stress response (how upset are you over a broken dish, window, spilled milk, unintentional hurt, job stress).
- Philosophical/political/religious outlook (eg: basic attitude toward gays, minorities, immigrants, prayer in school, Rush Limbaugh).
- Lifestyle (smoking, drinking, exercise, diet)
IV- Sex (Lover)
- Wanting to pleasure and be pleasured by the other other person.
- Being attracted to the other person.
- Listening to the other person, talking to the other person about what they/you want.
- Being enthusiastic about it, desiring the other person.
V- Partnership (Life Partner)
- Wanting to make a life together
- Wanting to plan for the long-term
Debbie and I have a few things right. Most important is that we do 'fun' really well, an important component of which is that of the domestic variety. I very much enjoy sharing my life with her: going shopping, playing with my youngest at the park, cooking supper. She helps me clean my house on Saturday, not because mopping floors is that much fun, but because we are together and working toward a (small) common goal. She will be moving into her new apartment soon (she was living with a relative), and I am downright giddy at the idea of helping her set up her place. I think I would describe it as a bond of close friendship. I care deeply for her and she for me. We wish to share each other's lives, provide each other companionship, comfort and friendship. It feels right, good, comfortable, warm. When I am with her, I am serene, calm, happy. It is said that men express and receive love through action. When I am with her, I feel loved and I love the bond knit of doing stuff together. To reiterate, I love sharing my life with her.
I nevertheless have doubts about the long-term viability of our relationship, as we seem to have some challenges the area of intimacy. I don't know how to distinguish that from what I described above except that I don't always feel like she 'gets' me, understands me to my core, and I don't feel I really get her.
Part of that may be cultural. Debbie comes from a very different background than I do. I do not consider this difference bad, but as a matter of practical reality, it makes deep communication more difficult. We lack some cultural and linguistic references upon which relies so much of communication and a deep understanding of others. The world Debbie comes from has different rules than mine: hers are more absolute, black/white, direct, whereas my world is one of tortured nuance, and seemingly interminable dithering over questions of propriety or right and wrong.
Part of our issue with intimacy certainly comes from personal differences: as this blog shows, I want to fully explore all issues surrounding a topic, decision or problem. She doesn't. Whereas I find that fleshing-out differences, uncertainties or even conflicts brings me closer to the other person, she finds it sad, depressing, confrontational or even threatening. She has been hurt and subsequently angry when I explain how I miss certain aspects of my old life, like knowing my place in the world, or that I regret my marriage didn't turn out to be what I hoped it could have been. I see delving into areas of disagreement or hearing things I don't want to hear as seeing into someone's soul, finding out who they really are, not just who they want me to see. I find those conversations more intimate and soul-barring than sex ever could be. I have subsequently found myself guarding what I say, for fear of hurting Debbie or starting a spat, a response I consider my own failure, though one I find hard to overcome. This concerns me more than anything else, as this was a characteristic of the relationship with my ex I have no desire to repeat. This could be me not giving Debbie enough credit for being able to deal with stuff, I don't know.
So the bottom line is that I while love many aspects of my relationship with Debbie, it is missing something as it stands today. As I see it, I have three options:
- Accept this as 'good enough' for now, because it genuinely is good, and build on it for the long-term, hoping that it can become enough of what I need it to be to make us both happy. Hope the intimacy and openness of communication can grow as our understanding and trust of each other grows. This option is premised on the notion that relationships are more about the mechanics of communication, compromise and co-habitation than raw emotions which are fleeting and temporary.
- Take it as a temporary relationship, in which we are both getting the love and support we need for now, understanding that at some point in the not too distant future it will end, lovingly.
- Hold out for someone with whom intimacy and openness comes more easily, and hope that intimacy and openness can be nurtured to last and grow for a long time, call it 'forever'. This is the romantic option, the option of faith and hope in True Love (tm). More on that in the next blog. This idea is not the opposite of the first, above, but places more importance on 'chemistry' than the first.
I don't know what to do, I really don't. At the moment I am taking it a day at a time. I will admit I have something of a deadline in mind by which to make up my mind. Debbie is good for me now, I really am happy and content. She is a wonderful, precious person, giving, kind and generous. One interesting thing: since I met her, I have little/no desire to drink in excess, I'm not trying to fill a void anymore. Funny that.
I'll let you know how it goes.
'night y'all.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Domestic Impulse
I am discovering something interesting about myself: I desperately want to be married.
I don't mean that literally, I still have serious doubts about the institution of marriage as usually understood, and certainly about seeing myself married again. What I mean is I feel this incredibly strong impulse to commit to someone, attach to them, to come home to them, go shopping with them, make evening plans with them, play house if you will.
A friend and colleague of mine, also recently divorced after 20+ years of marriage, put it this way: those of us who grew up married are used to it, it is what feels natural, normal, comfortable. While commitment and obligation are confining in some sense (one must accept limits on one's behavior) this is our 'natural' state, it's what we really want.
I recently began dating someone. I meant to keep it casual, but my desire for intimacy, love and acceptance, both received and given, changed that plan. I was irresistibly drawn and 'fell' into a relationship with her. I would be embarrassed, except it feels so 'right', so good, so genuine and like what I need. I love not looking around for anything else, I love making plans to shop for groceries, sit out on the patio with a cold drink or a cup of coffee. I have no desire to drink or smoke, I have no ache I am trying to dull. I love pouring my affection onto her, making her feel loved and cared for and getting the same from her. I love the physical intimacy we share and the pleasure we bring each other, whether from 30-minute kisses or anything else. I love feeling desired and wanted as well as desiring and wanting her. I love being 'married' to her. In my more sober moments I fear for both of us: do I love her, or do I love being 'married'? What am I more attracted to: who she is or the emotional solace and quietude she provides me, the role she fills and allows me to fill?
I feel I am breathing for the first time in months, and the taste of that air is every bit as sweet as I imagined.
I also recognize that even if she is the 'perfect' match for me, and we are destined to be together long-term, I eventually need to date other women. I need to make sure I really love her and not her role. It would be a mistake to 'marry' in any sense of that word, the first woman who comes along. So what do I do? Stop dating her because I really like her? Only date women I don't really care about? This may sound stupid, but I am in a quandry. I don't want to hurt her, nor myself, and we are presently meeting each other's needs, our relationship is healthy and nurturing. Do I cut it off because it is that?
I think I have decided to stop worrying about it. Too much examination and introspection may kill the beauty of this relationship. At some point I need to drop the 30-year outlook and enjoy things for what they are, now, today. Life is full of pain, trying to avoid it is futile and counter-productive. If this relationship ends, it will hurt. So what? Should I never love because the end of love hurts?
I know what I can do: be honest and truthful, be true and faithful. That is easy, I do that pretty well, I think. I can also resolve to care for her regardless of the nature of our relationship. As long as we remain honest and true and decent and kind to each other, I think we'll be ok. Beyond that all I can do is hope, and do my best.
Hope is free.
I don't mean that literally, I still have serious doubts about the institution of marriage as usually understood, and certainly about seeing myself married again. What I mean is I feel this incredibly strong impulse to commit to someone, attach to them, to come home to them, go shopping with them, make evening plans with them, play house if you will.
A friend and colleague of mine, also recently divorced after 20+ years of marriage, put it this way: those of us who grew up married are used to it, it is what feels natural, normal, comfortable. While commitment and obligation are confining in some sense (one must accept limits on one's behavior) this is our 'natural' state, it's what we really want.
I recently began dating someone. I meant to keep it casual, but my desire for intimacy, love and acceptance, both received and given, changed that plan. I was irresistibly drawn and 'fell' into a relationship with her. I would be embarrassed, except it feels so 'right', so good, so genuine and like what I need. I love not looking around for anything else, I love making plans to shop for groceries, sit out on the patio with a cold drink or a cup of coffee. I have no desire to drink or smoke, I have no ache I am trying to dull. I love pouring my affection onto her, making her feel loved and cared for and getting the same from her. I love the physical intimacy we share and the pleasure we bring each other, whether from 30-minute kisses or anything else. I love feeling desired and wanted as well as desiring and wanting her. I love being 'married' to her. In my more sober moments I fear for both of us: do I love her, or do I love being 'married'? What am I more attracted to: who she is or the emotional solace and quietude she provides me, the role she fills and allows me to fill?
I feel I am breathing for the first time in months, and the taste of that air is every bit as sweet as I imagined.
I also recognize that even if she is the 'perfect' match for me, and we are destined to be together long-term, I eventually need to date other women. I need to make sure I really love her and not her role. It would be a mistake to 'marry' in any sense of that word, the first woman who comes along. So what do I do? Stop dating her because I really like her? Only date women I don't really care about? This may sound stupid, but I am in a quandry. I don't want to hurt her, nor myself, and we are presently meeting each other's needs, our relationship is healthy and nurturing. Do I cut it off because it is that?
I think I have decided to stop worrying about it. Too much examination and introspection may kill the beauty of this relationship. At some point I need to drop the 30-year outlook and enjoy things for what they are, now, today. Life is full of pain, trying to avoid it is futile and counter-productive. If this relationship ends, it will hurt. So what? Should I never love because the end of love hurts?
I know what I can do: be honest and truthful, be true and faithful. That is easy, I do that pretty well, I think. I can also resolve to care for her regardless of the nature of our relationship. As long as we remain honest and true and decent and kind to each other, I think we'll be ok. Beyond that all I can do is hope, and do my best.
Hope is free.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
On the cusp
This is just kind of a journal entry, given that I haven't written in so long.
I am on the cusp of beginning of the second volume of my adult life.
Baring unforseen and improbable complications, tomorrow, September 24th, 2008 at around 14:00 CDT, I will not be married, for the first time in over 22 years. I don't know how I'll feel. I don't know if I'll be happy, sad, angry (well I can guarantee I'll be angry at my lawyer, but I meant more generally). I have no idea. I think I'll feel some of everything.
The last several days have been better, for at least a few reasons.
First, the end is near, and there is just less stress about how this divorce is going to finish.
Secondly my ex (gotta get used to that term) and I are getting along very well. I've recovered a sense of family and friendship with her, which I sorely missed. Despite everything, we were always friends the last 25 years. Not always close friends, though usually, not always happy friends, though sometimes, but friends. The loss of the friendship was worse than anything I think. It felt like losing an arm. It is strange, I don't even always like who my ex is, how she acts, but I still want her to be my friend. I still feel the need to look out for her interests, and she is still looking out for mine. I think 'family' is the best analogy. You don't always like your family, sometimes quite the opposite, you sometimes argue with them, dislike them, but when they need you, you are there, you can't just write them off. That is what it feels like at this time.
Finally, I began dating someone, someone nice, someone who meets my needs for intimacy, as defined below (definition provided by my counselor). I desperately want friendship and intimacy. I yearn and thirst for it. Here's what my counselor suggested intimacy is:
- Attention
- Acceptance
- Appreciation
- Support
- Encouragement
- Affection
- Respect
- Security
- Comfort
- Approval
- Compassion
- Devotion
- Kindness
- Understanding
I look at that list and think to myself, I could live without anything else (romance, sex) if I just had those things, not even all of them. My pet theory is that this is what everyone is looking for in all our relationships. This is the connection that humans crave.
This is not the first time I have had those needs met. I have friends who give me that, some even more completely really than this new person can, as they know me better, are closer to me, have a more complete view of who I am. Isabelle gave me that to a large degree, despite the impediment of distance. My children sometimes give me that, though only partially as their understanding of me is limited by their child's perspective.
Intimacy, the feeling of being loved, cared for, listened to, is the most powerful anti-depressant ever. Whatever the source, it makes me feel normal, focused.
I don't need romance, I don't need sex, I don't need fun. I need intimacy like I need oxygen.
I hope my current mood is more than just a fleeting moment, a temporary euphoria induced by a surge of hormones and neurotransmitters. I hope it is at least in part due to an adjustment to the new reality of my life. We'll see.
Before I go, let me just add that despite my current very 'zen' outlook, I will tell you that divorce sucks. Absolutely. There is huge loss involved in any divorce. You, your spouse, your kids lose immeasurably. You will all be scarred for life. It may be the only solution, as I think was the case for me, but if there is any chance of making what you have work, give it everything you have. Don't settle for a pissy, mediocre marriage, insist that your needs be met, that you and your spouse be happy, but work at it as if your life depends on it. If after that, it still doesn't work, get a divorce quickly, nicely, and try to continue caring for each other. Life is too short to be unhappy.
Be happy, don't hurt others.
Night y'all.
============================
This is an update....
So I was divorced yesterday. The courtroom appearance was altogether perfunctory: we were called up first and it took all of 1 minute, 2 tops. The only trauma was when my lawyer told me I owed her another $1000, bringing it to a total of $4000, for a *completely* uncontested divorce in which all the terms were already agreed upon and written down when I hired her. She had said it should cost less than $1500. All she had to do was translate our wishes into a legal document a judge would sign. I obviously picked the wrong career.
I didn't have most of the feelings I had anticipated: not happy, not sad, maybe relieved, definitely mad at my lawyer. The rest of the day I was very pensive and introspective. I had the feeling I was strangely detached from my own life, sort of looking at it as though it were someone else's, watching a movie perhaps. I guess I had a hard time believing it had actually happened. I was rather nostalgic, thinking back on my life, what it had been. Mostly just detached though. I don't know how my life got here, it isn't the way I planned it. It isn't bad, it just isn't what I expected.
I recall feeling this way at funerals: someone you are close to dies and it gives you pause, a chance to consider your life and where it is going, where it's been, what it is. The fact is that I have a good life: I have people who love me: a good friend, family, kids, even my ex cares for me in many ways. I have a girlfriend who makes me feel loved, appreciated, wanted. I have an ok job, a nice house, enough money.
I think the thing I miss the most of my old life is knowing who I am, what my function is, where I fit in. I'm used to being a married father, my wife's husband, my in-laws' something-in-law. I'm none of those anymore. I'm used to having to tell someone what I'm doing, where I'm going. Making plans with them, laying out the roadmap of our joint future together. Negotiating money issues, house chores, hanging out together. I lost all my old habits, but do not yet have new ones.
This weekend, ironically enough, I am going to one of my brother's (1st) wedding. It is the first family function at which I won't be accompanied by my now-ex wife. I can't dance in the couple's dance anymore. It's strange, it just feels weird. It's not that I have forgotten how unhappy I was being married, nor do I think the divorce was avoidable. Given who we were, what had happened, it was the least bad alternative. It's like graduating without a job: you walk out and everything is possible, but you have no idea where you are going or what to do.
I'll be ok, but I will tell you that I feel completely lost.
Here's to the great unknown of life.
I am on the cusp of beginning of the second volume of my adult life.
Baring unforseen and improbable complications, tomorrow, September 24th, 2008 at around 14:00 CDT, I will not be married, for the first time in over 22 years. I don't know how I'll feel. I don't know if I'll be happy, sad, angry (well I can guarantee I'll be angry at my lawyer, but I meant more generally). I have no idea. I think I'll feel some of everything.
The last several days have been better, for at least a few reasons.
First, the end is near, and there is just less stress about how this divorce is going to finish.
Secondly my ex (gotta get used to that term) and I are getting along very well. I've recovered a sense of family and friendship with her, which I sorely missed. Despite everything, we were always friends the last 25 years. Not always close friends, though usually, not always happy friends, though sometimes, but friends. The loss of the friendship was worse than anything I think. It felt like losing an arm. It is strange, I don't even always like who my ex is, how she acts, but I still want her to be my friend. I still feel the need to look out for her interests, and she is still looking out for mine. I think 'family' is the best analogy. You don't always like your family, sometimes quite the opposite, you sometimes argue with them, dislike them, but when they need you, you are there, you can't just write them off. That is what it feels like at this time.
Finally, I began dating someone, someone nice, someone who meets my needs for intimacy, as defined below (definition provided by my counselor). I desperately want friendship and intimacy. I yearn and thirst for it. Here's what my counselor suggested intimacy is:
- Attention
- Acceptance
- Appreciation
- Support
- Encouragement
- Affection
- Respect
- Security
- Comfort
- Approval
- Compassion
- Devotion
- Kindness
- Understanding
I look at that list and think to myself, I could live without anything else (romance, sex) if I just had those things, not even all of them. My pet theory is that this is what everyone is looking for in all our relationships. This is the connection that humans crave.
This is not the first time I have had those needs met. I have friends who give me that, some even more completely really than this new person can, as they know me better, are closer to me, have a more complete view of who I am. Isabelle gave me that to a large degree, despite the impediment of distance. My children sometimes give me that, though only partially as their understanding of me is limited by their child's perspective.
Intimacy, the feeling of being loved, cared for, listened to, is the most powerful anti-depressant ever. Whatever the source, it makes me feel normal, focused.
I don't need romance, I don't need sex, I don't need fun. I need intimacy like I need oxygen.
I hope my current mood is more than just a fleeting moment, a temporary euphoria induced by a surge of hormones and neurotransmitters. I hope it is at least in part due to an adjustment to the new reality of my life. We'll see.
Before I go, let me just add that despite my current very 'zen' outlook, I will tell you that divorce sucks. Absolutely. There is huge loss involved in any divorce. You, your spouse, your kids lose immeasurably. You will all be scarred for life. It may be the only solution, as I think was the case for me, but if there is any chance of making what you have work, give it everything you have. Don't settle for a pissy, mediocre marriage, insist that your needs be met, that you and your spouse be happy, but work at it as if your life depends on it. If after that, it still doesn't work, get a divorce quickly, nicely, and try to continue caring for each other. Life is too short to be unhappy.
Be happy, don't hurt others.
Night y'all.
============================
This is an update....
So I was divorced yesterday. The courtroom appearance was altogether perfunctory: we were called up first and it took all of 1 minute, 2 tops. The only trauma was when my lawyer told me I owed her another $1000, bringing it to a total of $4000, for a *completely* uncontested divorce in which all the terms were already agreed upon and written down when I hired her. She had said it should cost less than $1500. All she had to do was translate our wishes into a legal document a judge would sign. I obviously picked the wrong career.
I didn't have most of the feelings I had anticipated: not happy, not sad, maybe relieved, definitely mad at my lawyer. The rest of the day I was very pensive and introspective. I had the feeling I was strangely detached from my own life, sort of looking at it as though it were someone else's, watching a movie perhaps. I guess I had a hard time believing it had actually happened. I was rather nostalgic, thinking back on my life, what it had been. Mostly just detached though. I don't know how my life got here, it isn't the way I planned it. It isn't bad, it just isn't what I expected.
I recall feeling this way at funerals: someone you are close to dies and it gives you pause, a chance to consider your life and where it is going, where it's been, what it is. The fact is that I have a good life: I have people who love me: a good friend, family, kids, even my ex cares for me in many ways. I have a girlfriend who makes me feel loved, appreciated, wanted. I have an ok job, a nice house, enough money.
I think the thing I miss the most of my old life is knowing who I am, what my function is, where I fit in. I'm used to being a married father, my wife's husband, my in-laws' something-in-law. I'm none of those anymore. I'm used to having to tell someone what I'm doing, where I'm going. Making plans with them, laying out the roadmap of our joint future together. Negotiating money issues, house chores, hanging out together. I lost all my old habits, but do not yet have new ones.
This weekend, ironically enough, I am going to one of my brother's (1st) wedding. It is the first family function at which I won't be accompanied by my now-ex wife. I can't dance in the couple's dance anymore. It's strange, it just feels weird. It's not that I have forgotten how unhappy I was being married, nor do I think the divorce was avoidable. Given who we were, what had happened, it was the least bad alternative. It's like graduating without a job: you walk out and everything is possible, but you have no idea where you are going or what to do.
I'll be ok, but I will tell you that I feel completely lost.
Here's to the great unknown of life.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Divorce club
Yesterday was one of the most interesting days I have had in a long time. I am still reeling from it.
I went to pick up my race packet for Nike's 'Human Race', a world-wide synchronized 10K race I am running today. On the way back I stopped by my favorite dive-bar and had a couple gin and tonics, the drink of the gods.
As I was about to leave a couple guys sat down at the other end of the bar. A couple minutes later another guy came and sat on the only seat left, next to me. The four of us began talking, and lo and behold, we had all been divorced, 3 of us recently or soon-to-be, one a couple years ago. All of us had our wives cheat on us. We talked for a while and then went elsewhere, where we met up with a 5th guy. Turns out he is also recently divorced, his wife having cheated on him too.
When I spoke to them, I didn't say much, I told them I was a couple weeks away from being divorced, that my wife had cheated on me and that it had been hard. Nothing more. I didn't need to. They knew me. They knew what I had felt, what I was feeling then, what I was thinking. The phase of emotions I was going through, what I needed, what I was looking for. They instantly knew everything I have been trying to express in this blog and to my friends for the last 6 months. They got me in ways no one had to date.
It turns out the insanity, depression and pain I felt over these last few months is completely normal. One guy didn't work for a year, and lived in his walk-in closet for 3 months. He spent an hour staring at a loaded gun, trying to figure out what to do with it. He drove his motorcycle at top speed, over 100 mph, for a long time, as I did, not caring what happened. Another guy had to take Xanax to cope with the (misplaced) guilt, depression and anger. All of them hit the bottle and other stuff hard. All of them are still not "over" their ex, they are still reeling from the loss, despite having had many relationships since.
It turns out none of their ex-spouses had any problems "moving on". As soon as they separated, their ex's picked up new serious relationships and never looked back, just like mine did. One guy's ex remarried 30 days after they divorced, 60 days after they filed for divorce. None of their ex's have any remorse, any regrets, any difficulty moving on, even the three who were married 15 years.
It was like discovering a posse of clones. We got each other. It was weird and magical and more comforting and validating than I know how to express.
I am not over it and it's alright, I'm normal. I'll be ok.
I went to pick up my race packet for Nike's 'Human Race', a world-wide synchronized 10K race I am running today. On the way back I stopped by my favorite dive-bar and had a couple gin and tonics, the drink of the gods.
As I was about to leave a couple guys sat down at the other end of the bar. A couple minutes later another guy came and sat on the only seat left, next to me. The four of us began talking, and lo and behold, we had all been divorced, 3 of us recently or soon-to-be, one a couple years ago. All of us had our wives cheat on us. We talked for a while and then went elsewhere, where we met up with a 5th guy. Turns out he is also recently divorced, his wife having cheated on him too.
When I spoke to them, I didn't say much, I told them I was a couple weeks away from being divorced, that my wife had cheated on me and that it had been hard. Nothing more. I didn't need to. They knew me. They knew what I had felt, what I was feeling then, what I was thinking. The phase of emotions I was going through, what I needed, what I was looking for. They instantly knew everything I have been trying to express in this blog and to my friends for the last 6 months. They got me in ways no one had to date.
It turns out the insanity, depression and pain I felt over these last few months is completely normal. One guy didn't work for a year, and lived in his walk-in closet for 3 months. He spent an hour staring at a loaded gun, trying to figure out what to do with it. He drove his motorcycle at top speed, over 100 mph, for a long time, as I did, not caring what happened. Another guy had to take Xanax to cope with the (misplaced) guilt, depression and anger. All of them hit the bottle and other stuff hard. All of them are still not "over" their ex, they are still reeling from the loss, despite having had many relationships since.
It turns out none of their ex-spouses had any problems "moving on". As soon as they separated, their ex's picked up new serious relationships and never looked back, just like mine did. One guy's ex remarried 30 days after they divorced, 60 days after they filed for divorce. None of their ex's have any remorse, any regrets, any difficulty moving on, even the three who were married 15 years.
It was like discovering a posse of clones. We got each other. It was weird and magical and more comforting and validating than I know how to express.
I am not over it and it's alright, I'm normal. I'll be ok.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Breath
I feel I am swimming underwater.
I am occasionally stuck on the bottom, holding my breath and waiting for something to change, not knowing where to go, what to do.
Sometimes I am swimming along, enjoying the scenery, feeling no need for air, seeing the beauty and grace all around me, even in this confined, restrictive environment. In those moments, I am o.k., I can do this forever, my needs are met, I am content.
And occasionally I am frantically swimming for the surface, lungs screaming for air, barely able to hold my breath, waiting for the first sweet taste of life in all its glory. I know what it will feel like to burst through the surface, explosively exhale, then inhale... deeply. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm swimming for the top, I can see the surface, it is there, shimmering, glistening, tantalizing. It isn't far away, I can taste it already.
I am occasionally stuck on the bottom, holding my breath and waiting for something to change, not knowing where to go, what to do.
Sometimes I am swimming along, enjoying the scenery, feeling no need for air, seeing the beauty and grace all around me, even in this confined, restrictive environment. In those moments, I am o.k., I can do this forever, my needs are met, I am content.
And occasionally I am frantically swimming for the surface, lungs screaming for air, barely able to hold my breath, waiting for the first sweet taste of life in all its glory. I know what it will feel like to burst through the surface, explosively exhale, then inhale... deeply. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm swimming for the top, I can see the surface, it is there, shimmering, glistening, tantalizing. It isn't far away, I can taste it already.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Divorce sucks
Ok,
So now lawyers are officially involved. I have mine, she has hers. We are still trying to do it "collaboratively" where my wife and I negotiate the terms and I dictate them to my lawyer. My lawyer will write up a decree, have it reviewed by her lawyer, and hopefully, since we agreed to everything beforehand, just sign it.
That's the plan.
What could possibly go wrong? (LOL)
The problem is that we both have this sense of being wronged: she rather extensively lied to me and betrayed my trust, even tangentially involved my kids in her cheating, making my oldest see things no 10 year-old should ever have to see. I am screwing her out of about $65K, which she would be entitled to in a 50/50 split.
The things is that she would lose, badly, if it went to court, and with it the rather generous visitation arrangement I am offering her. She would also probably owe me child support. I think she knows this. Additionally, neither of us really want this to turn into the horror freak-show that it would be. The balance of terror keeps the situation tensely stable.
These feelings lie very near the surface and this process of legalizing everything brings them out.
The level of conflict is unsustainably painful. We have another month to go, it feels like a year. I will be so happy when we are done, assuming it doesn't turn into WWIII between now and then.
Here's the funny part: this is an easy divorce. I can't fathom a hard one.
So here's tidbit of wisdom for anyone contemplating or starting a divorce: it hurts, it sucks. It starts out easy and gets very ugly very quickly.
God help us all.
So now lawyers are officially involved. I have mine, she has hers. We are still trying to do it "collaboratively" where my wife and I negotiate the terms and I dictate them to my lawyer. My lawyer will write up a decree, have it reviewed by her lawyer, and hopefully, since we agreed to everything beforehand, just sign it.
That's the plan.
What could possibly go wrong? (LOL)
The problem is that we both have this sense of being wronged: she rather extensively lied to me and betrayed my trust, even tangentially involved my kids in her cheating, making my oldest see things no 10 year-old should ever have to see. I am screwing her out of about $65K, which she would be entitled to in a 50/50 split.
The things is that she would lose, badly, if it went to court, and with it the rather generous visitation arrangement I am offering her. She would also probably owe me child support. I think she knows this. Additionally, neither of us really want this to turn into the horror freak-show that it would be. The balance of terror keeps the situation tensely stable.
These feelings lie very near the surface and this process of legalizing everything brings them out.
The level of conflict is unsustainably painful. We have another month to go, it feels like a year. I will be so happy when we are done, assuming it doesn't turn into WWIII between now and then.
Here's the funny part: this is an easy divorce. I can't fathom a hard one.
So here's tidbit of wisdom for anyone contemplating or starting a divorce: it hurts, it sucks. It starts out easy and gets very ugly very quickly.
God help us all.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The myth of the easy divorce
Ok, so I'm an idiot.
My friends, who all have been divorced, would look at me and gently smile, all but pat me on the head and say "of course you'll have an easy divorce", when I suggested as much.
There is no such thing as an easy divorce. It started out easy enough and almost could have continued that way, both of us being kind and gentle and supportive of each other, going to great lengths to make everything fair and easy. But something happened. I think something always does.
We had planned to watch some family videos and do some fun reminiscing on our 22nd and last anniversary. The night before our anniversary I had volunteered to watch our youngest so my future-ex could ask a co-worker out for drinks after work. I called later that night to let her know I would be by in the morning with my youngest to drop her off so I could go run an errand. She says she heard the phone but didn't want to answer. I stopped by in the morning, my daughter in her pull-up in my arms, my wife's brand-new boyfriend's car was in the driveway, they were still in bed.
I sort of went nuts.
I don't really know the exact reason, it could have been the spite this gesture would seem to require, it could be envy that she was able to so quickly move on and find someone withing a few days of deciding she wanted to, it could be that she seems to always get exactly was she wants, the injustice of the Universe rewarding her for her deceit and selfishness, or it could have been simple jealousy, even now.
She said she had forgotten it was our anniversary, she didn't know I would be upset, she forgot to listen to her messages. She may be telling the truth, I have no way of knowing. I didn't care, I still don't. Whether she did that out of spite or stupidity, it hurt. A lot. I recognize her moral right to sleep with whomever she feels like, even though we are technically still married. I get that. What I don't recognize is her moral right to go around ignoring the consequences her actions have on people.
Her callous disregard for my feelings (whether rational or not) destroyed in one instant any remaining sense of obligation to her. I no longer cared for anything being fair or for how she felt. I renegotiated the terms of our divorce. Since I hold all the cards, the negotiation was short. I recognize the somewhat vindictive nature of my actions, but I really just don't care anymore. Why is it my job to protect her interests and feelings when she doesn't do that for me? Am I stupid? Yes, I was, but I'm done.
This was on July 19th. I am no longer angry, but I no longer love her or even really like her, which I still did on July 18th. I should thank her, for in one fell swoop, I got over her. Completely. I no longer really care what happens to her, she is just some woman I have kids with, and am trying to remain polite with.
And that is sad. We used to love each other, she was my best friend. The death of love and friendship should always be mourned.
My friends, who all have been divorced, would look at me and gently smile, all but pat me on the head and say "of course you'll have an easy divorce", when I suggested as much.
There is no such thing as an easy divorce. It started out easy enough and almost could have continued that way, both of us being kind and gentle and supportive of each other, going to great lengths to make everything fair and easy. But something happened. I think something always does.
We had planned to watch some family videos and do some fun reminiscing on our 22nd and last anniversary. The night before our anniversary I had volunteered to watch our youngest so my future-ex could ask a co-worker out for drinks after work. I called later that night to let her know I would be by in the morning with my youngest to drop her off so I could go run an errand. She says she heard the phone but didn't want to answer. I stopped by in the morning, my daughter in her pull-up in my arms, my wife's brand-new boyfriend's car was in the driveway, they were still in bed.
I sort of went nuts.
I don't really know the exact reason, it could have been the spite this gesture would seem to require, it could be envy that she was able to so quickly move on and find someone withing a few days of deciding she wanted to, it could be that she seems to always get exactly was she wants, the injustice of the Universe rewarding her for her deceit and selfishness, or it could have been simple jealousy, even now.
She said she had forgotten it was our anniversary, she didn't know I would be upset, she forgot to listen to her messages. She may be telling the truth, I have no way of knowing. I didn't care, I still don't. Whether she did that out of spite or stupidity, it hurt. A lot. I recognize her moral right to sleep with whomever she feels like, even though we are technically still married. I get that. What I don't recognize is her moral right to go around ignoring the consequences her actions have on people.
Her callous disregard for my feelings (whether rational or not) destroyed in one instant any remaining sense of obligation to her. I no longer cared for anything being fair or for how she felt. I renegotiated the terms of our divorce. Since I hold all the cards, the negotiation was short. I recognize the somewhat vindictive nature of my actions, but I really just don't care anymore. Why is it my job to protect her interests and feelings when she doesn't do that for me? Am I stupid? Yes, I was, but I'm done.
This was on July 19th. I am no longer angry, but I no longer love her or even really like her, which I still did on July 18th. I should thank her, for in one fell swoop, I got over her. Completely. I no longer really care what happens to her, she is just some woman I have kids with, and am trying to remain polite with.
And that is sad. We used to love each other, she was my best friend. The death of love and friendship should always be mourned.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Welcome back to the world of the living
It's been a while since I last wrote.
There is a reason for that, her name is "Isabelle" (a pseudonym), and I love her. "O.k.", you might say, but here's the deal, I've never met her. I "met" her online. We've had very personal IM chats. A lot of them actually, but I've never seen her, held her, looked in her face, caressed her cheek. Lately, we've added webcam feeds to our chats, which adds a level of interactiveness to the experience. Nothing taudry, just to see each other's face and reactions to the chat. We also talk over the phone. I love the sound of her voice. How can a voice be sexy? I don't know, but I get aroused hearing her describe what she's making for supper (huh?)
I feel connected to her at the deepest level. I feel like I can't live another day without her, holding her, hugging her, kissing her.
I love her. I say that soberly, an accurate description and reflection of what I feel in the deepest recesses of my soul.
I love her strength, her resilience, her character, her determination. I love that she knows what she wants, particularly since it seems to include me at the moment. I selfishly love that she loves me, that she thinks I am wonderfully attractive, handsome and glorious. She seems to care about me and would like to be with me in every sense of that word. It doesn't hurt that she is beautiful.
I love being able to tell someone that I love them, that I yearn for them, that I went to bed thinking of them and woke up still doing so. I love being able to use the most romantic love-filled language I can imagine on someone and really mean it in more than a perfunctory way. I love being able to love someone. What a gift, a pleasure it is to be able to love, wholeheartedly, unabashedly, without reserve, without needing to pretend anything or guard my words.
I know it isn't practical.
She doesn't know my flaws, my weaknesses, the things she would hate about me (I could venture a few guesses, but it'll be more fun to let her discover them on her own). She has never had to balance a checkbook with me, pay a mortgage or deal with a moody pre-teen. I am not the perfect person she imagines me to be, any more than she is. I struggle to accept the reality of her imperfection. Screw it, I can't. I'll have to discover that the hard way, should I be so lucky.
Our relationship is also geographically challenged, she lives more than 1000 miles from me. Would either of us really be willing to leave their families, jobs, lives to be with the other? If we did a long-distance relationship, would we be happy to just see each other a couple times a month at most?
I don't know.
I don't care.
Right now I know two things: she loves me, I love her. As practically absurd and ridiculous as that statement is, it is a reflection of what is in my heart and what I think is in hers. It may not last, it may be doomed, but that is the current reality. I may look back on this and gently laugh at my romantic optimism; or we may make it work and this will become a seminal moment in my life.
This is real, I am feeling it, and would give *anything* to have five minutes with her in a crowded room. It is beautiful and wonderful, I wish to savor every moment of it.
Did I mention she makes me sane? When I talk to her, I live in the present and future, I don't care about the past. I am able to accept what happened as unfortunate reality. I can care for, even love my ex-wife. and yet look forward to a new future. Isabelle makes me the person I want to be, hope to be. I want to exercise, eat well, live to 100 and die making passionate love to her.
So Isabelle, whatever happens to us: everything, nothing, something in between, please remember what I am telling you now: I love you, I thank God every day for sending you into my life.
Goodnight, my sweet love.
There is a reason for that, her name is "Isabelle" (a pseudonym), and I love her. "O.k.", you might say, but here's the deal, I've never met her. I "met" her online. We've had very personal IM chats. A lot of them actually, but I've never seen her, held her, looked in her face, caressed her cheek. Lately, we've added webcam feeds to our chats, which adds a level of interactiveness to the experience. Nothing taudry, just to see each other's face and reactions to the chat. We also talk over the phone. I love the sound of her voice. How can a voice be sexy? I don't know, but I get aroused hearing her describe what she's making for supper (huh?)
I feel connected to her at the deepest level. I feel like I can't live another day without her, holding her, hugging her, kissing her.
I love her. I say that soberly, an accurate description and reflection of what I feel in the deepest recesses of my soul.
I love her strength, her resilience, her character, her determination. I love that she knows what she wants, particularly since it seems to include me at the moment. I selfishly love that she loves me, that she thinks I am wonderfully attractive, handsome and glorious. She seems to care about me and would like to be with me in every sense of that word. It doesn't hurt that she is beautiful.
I love being able to tell someone that I love them, that I yearn for them, that I went to bed thinking of them and woke up still doing so. I love being able to use the most romantic love-filled language I can imagine on someone and really mean it in more than a perfunctory way. I love being able to love someone. What a gift, a pleasure it is to be able to love, wholeheartedly, unabashedly, without reserve, without needing to pretend anything or guard my words.
I know it isn't practical.
She doesn't know my flaws, my weaknesses, the things she would hate about me (I could venture a few guesses, but it'll be more fun to let her discover them on her own). She has never had to balance a checkbook with me, pay a mortgage or deal with a moody pre-teen. I am not the perfect person she imagines me to be, any more than she is. I struggle to accept the reality of her imperfection. Screw it, I can't. I'll have to discover that the hard way, should I be so lucky.
Our relationship is also geographically challenged, she lives more than 1000 miles from me. Would either of us really be willing to leave their families, jobs, lives to be with the other? If we did a long-distance relationship, would we be happy to just see each other a couple times a month at most?
I don't know.
I don't care.
Right now I know two things: she loves me, I love her. As practically absurd and ridiculous as that statement is, it is a reflection of what is in my heart and what I think is in hers. It may not last, it may be doomed, but that is the current reality. I may look back on this and gently laugh at my romantic optimism; or we may make it work and this will become a seminal moment in my life.
This is real, I am feeling it, and would give *anything* to have five minutes with her in a crowded room. It is beautiful and wonderful, I wish to savor every moment of it.
Did I mention she makes me sane? When I talk to her, I live in the present and future, I don't care about the past. I am able to accept what happened as unfortunate reality. I can care for, even love my ex-wife. and yet look forward to a new future. Isabelle makes me the person I want to be, hope to be. I want to exercise, eat well, live to 100 and die making passionate love to her.
So Isabelle, whatever happens to us: everything, nothing, something in between, please remember what I am telling you now: I love you, I thank God every day for sending you into my life.
Goodnight, my sweet love.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Advice for the recently divorced
This will be an ongoing entry I think. I'll just add things as they come to me. This is also just my own experience, you may well disagree, feel free to do so. I'm still working on following my own advice, I'll let you know when I succeed.
Please do leave comments, anonymously if you wish. I'm open to suggestions, corrections.
Emotions:
- Expect anger, sadness, loneliness and a sense of deep loss. They will come, and hopefully in time they will go. Anger and bitterness are persistent houses guests. Try to find the beauty and happiness that is still in the world.
- Expect to nearly lose your mind at times, to feel obsessed, angry, sad, distracted.
- Avoid thinking about how you have been wronged. It may be true, but dwelling on it serves little purpose. I have a hard time with this.
- Avoid over-generalizing the wrong done to you. I have a really hard time with this. ALL my memories are tainted, they are all "gone" in a way.
- Acknowledge the reality of what happened: the wrongs both you and your spouses committed. Own you own failures absolutely, don't make excuses for them. No, it was not ok to screw the babysitter, no matter how lonely you were and how hot she was. I didn't do that, but I did have an affair.
- Be patient. I'm really tired of being a head-case, I want it to be done. This makes me feel "stuck", like it will never change, that makes me feel hopeless, depressed. I need to relax and give myself time. I'm told a year is a good minimum to expect. God, 9 more months to go!
Actions:
- Make new friends, and or start hanging out with old ones. Try not to talk too much about your problems, you'll burn them out. That's tough. My friends are understanding and ask to hear... mostly.
- I would say fall in love, but it wouldn't be fair to the poor person you fall in love with. You are probably a bad bet for a long-term anything. You are probably emotionally unstable. I am having an online flirtatious friendship with a wonderful woman who makes me feel loved and appreciated, handsome and desirable. She also gives me the opportunity to pour my affection onto another person, even if it is "virtual".
- Write about your problems, even if just to yourself. Anonymous blogs are great.
- Stay busy: take classes, work on your house, do your hobbies, work a lot. An idle mind is dangerous.
- Get enough sleep, but not too much.
- Eat right.
- Exercise.
- Don't drink excessively. I find that when I do, I am always sad and angry the next day. These last 4 items are important (sleep, food, exercise and not drinking too much).
- Get out, even if it is by yourself, and do stuff. I am so used to just going home after work that it doesn't naturally occur to me.
- Get counseling. I haven't done that, but will soon. That gives you an outlet to talk to people.
- Join a divorce support group. I haven't done that either.
- Get in touch with some kind of "spirituality": start going to church, meditate, pray. Shave your head and sell flowers at the airport (joke).
Your Ex:
- Try to not hate them. Despite their failures, they are human, like you. At one point they loved you, and you them. They allowed you to get to this point in your life, perhaps gave you children, helped you through school, whatever.
- If you can, talk to your ex about stuff, but only as much as they want and as long as it is useful.
I had a small epiphany about this yesterday: My ex deals with stuff by pretending nothing happened and minimizing the importance of what did, in our case justifying her choices. That is her coping mechanism, and whether right or wrong it works for her, it seems to allow her to "move on". I want to talk about it, examine what happened in close detail and wish her to fully own up to the deep moral failure that her actions were, even as I admit mine. That is my way of coping. The two are not compatible. I can't really talk to my ex about stuff: there is no way she will ever really be able to accept the full wrongness of what she did did, it would be too destructive to her self-image. She needs to "bury" her past. I need to unearth it and roll in the putrescence. I need to stop getting her to do that, she just won't go there.
Update:
So it is now about 3 months after the initial post above. I was officially divorced last week. The divorce itself helped me gain some closure. I also started seeing a counselor, that is helping a bit. Time heals things too, as things receded into the past, the pain is less intense, the anger less immediate.
The thing that helped the most though is beginning to date someone. I hope I am not just 'using' her as human prozac, but the feeling of being loved, cared for, hugged, kissed is therapeutic beyond words. Everyone t me I should avoid getting emotionally 'involved' with anyone, just date, they all said. The problem is that I appear to be incapable of not falling for someone I date. Honestly, I need some emotional involvement at this point.
I don't have any really close friends I can spend a lot of time with, and I need emotional intimacy and connection like I need oxygen.
So my advice, for what it's worth, is to get that intimacy however you can: friends, family, dating. Find people who make you feel loved and appreciated, who remind you that you are a wonderful, beautiful, precious human being, who can't wait to talk to you and make you want to get out of bed in the morning.
I am aware enough to realize this may just be a 'rebound' relationship, that she may primarily be a person filling a role I need filled now. I hope not, but even if she is, I think I am meeting her needs too, making her feel precious, beautiful and wanted. Humans are meant to love, life is too short to live without love.
Please do leave comments, anonymously if you wish. I'm open to suggestions, corrections.
Emotions:
- Expect anger, sadness, loneliness and a sense of deep loss. They will come, and hopefully in time they will go. Anger and bitterness are persistent houses guests. Try to find the beauty and happiness that is still in the world.
- Expect to nearly lose your mind at times, to feel obsessed, angry, sad, distracted.
- Avoid thinking about how you have been wronged. It may be true, but dwelling on it serves little purpose. I have a hard time with this.
- Avoid over-generalizing the wrong done to you. I have a really hard time with this. ALL my memories are tainted, they are all "gone" in a way.
- Acknowledge the reality of what happened: the wrongs both you and your spouses committed. Own you own failures absolutely, don't make excuses for them. No, it was not ok to screw the babysitter, no matter how lonely you were and how hot she was. I didn't do that, but I did have an affair.
- Be patient. I'm really tired of being a head-case, I want it to be done. This makes me feel "stuck", like it will never change, that makes me feel hopeless, depressed. I need to relax and give myself time. I'm told a year is a good minimum to expect. God, 9 more months to go!
Actions:
- Make new friends, and or start hanging out with old ones. Try not to talk too much about your problems, you'll burn them out. That's tough. My friends are understanding and ask to hear... mostly.
- I would say fall in love, but it wouldn't be fair to the poor person you fall in love with. You are probably a bad bet for a long-term anything. You are probably emotionally unstable. I am having an online flirtatious friendship with a wonderful woman who makes me feel loved and appreciated, handsome and desirable. She also gives me the opportunity to pour my affection onto another person, even if it is "virtual".
- Write about your problems, even if just to yourself. Anonymous blogs are great.
- Stay busy: take classes, work on your house, do your hobbies, work a lot. An idle mind is dangerous.
- Get enough sleep, but not too much.
- Eat right.
- Exercise.
- Don't drink excessively. I find that when I do, I am always sad and angry the next day. These last 4 items are important (sleep, food, exercise and not drinking too much).
- Get out, even if it is by yourself, and do stuff. I am so used to just going home after work that it doesn't naturally occur to me.
- Get counseling. I haven't done that, but will soon. That gives you an outlet to talk to people.
- Join a divorce support group. I haven't done that either.
- Get in touch with some kind of "spirituality": start going to church, meditate, pray. Shave your head and sell flowers at the airport (joke).
Your Ex:
- Try to not hate them. Despite their failures, they are human, like you. At one point they loved you, and you them. They allowed you to get to this point in your life, perhaps gave you children, helped you through school, whatever.
- If you can, talk to your ex about stuff, but only as much as they want and as long as it is useful.
I had a small epiphany about this yesterday: My ex deals with stuff by pretending nothing happened and minimizing the importance of what did, in our case justifying her choices. That is her coping mechanism, and whether right or wrong it works for her, it seems to allow her to "move on". I want to talk about it, examine what happened in close detail and wish her to fully own up to the deep moral failure that her actions were, even as I admit mine. That is my way of coping. The two are not compatible. I can't really talk to my ex about stuff: there is no way she will ever really be able to accept the full wrongness of what she did did, it would be too destructive to her self-image. She needs to "bury" her past. I need to unearth it and roll in the putrescence. I need to stop getting her to do that, she just won't go there.
Update:
So it is now about 3 months after the initial post above. I was officially divorced last week. The divorce itself helped me gain some closure. I also started seeing a counselor, that is helping a bit. Time heals things too, as things receded into the past, the pain is less intense, the anger less immediate.
The thing that helped the most though is beginning to date someone. I hope I am not just 'using' her as human prozac, but the feeling of being loved, cared for, hugged, kissed is therapeutic beyond words. Everyone t me I should avoid getting emotionally 'involved' with anyone, just date, they all said. The problem is that I appear to be incapable of not falling for someone I date. Honestly, I need some emotional involvement at this point.
I don't have any really close friends I can spend a lot of time with, and I need emotional intimacy and connection like I need oxygen.
So my advice, for what it's worth, is to get that intimacy however you can: friends, family, dating. Find people who make you feel loved and appreciated, who remind you that you are a wonderful, beautiful, precious human being, who can't wait to talk to you and make you want to get out of bed in the morning.
I am aware enough to realize this may just be a 'rebound' relationship, that she may primarily be a person filling a role I need filled now. I hope not, but even if she is, I think I am meeting her needs too, making her feel precious, beautiful and wanted. Humans are meant to love, life is too short to live without love.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Open Letter to My Wife's Lovers
(This is not a happy piece. I am in fact very depressed today, but it felt good to write this)
"Pat" is a pseudonym I am using for my wife.
Bruce, Gabriel, Son, Frank, Stephan and possibly others:
I am writing you as part of my attempt to heal from the pain of the end of Pat's and my marriage. The point of this letter is merely to inform you of the damage and pain your actions had and will continue to have on Pat, me and our children as long as we live.
You all have children, you are all married or have been. Please think about your own wives and children as you read this and imagine what it would feel like if this had happened to you, your little kids. Think about this as you kiss your wife or make love to her, think of this as you hug your children.
Try to imagine what it is like to have to reinterpret 18 years of memories, those of nearly my entire adulthood. In part because of you, my children will grow up without a normal family. My life, as I knew it, is not only over, but never existed. I was living in a lie you helped perpetuate, a fantasy existing only in my mind.
Pat's violation of the trust I deliberately extended to her is of course the main problem. I knew she had "crushes" on you, but took her lies at face value when she assured me there was nothing going on. I was happy to give her the freedom to "flirt" with you and feel beautiful and wanted. The main guilt is hers.
You are nonetheless complicit in her deception and also responsible for the end of our marriage. You enabled Pat's bad choices and encouraged her to do things which destroyed her life along with her children's.
You helped destroy any trust which might ever exist between us, Pat and you tainted the happy memories of my youth, exposed them for the screenplays they were. You knew when you were dating her that she was married, most of you had at least met me. Son, you knew my children well. Many of you shook my hand, smiled at me and said it was nice to meet me, and then proceeded to sleep with Pat. Despite knowing me you chose to sleep with my wife, in later years the mother of my children. You understood the risk you were putting her at, in case I found out, but you didn't care enough about her or me or my children to refrain from doing so. One of you gave her genital herpes, since you didn't even care enough about her to use a condom all the time.
Collectively, you took from me something that did not belong to you. You stole my wife's time, libido, affection, passion and energy. You introduced The Big Lie into our marriage which set up a barrier to emotional intimacy between us. You helped establish a pattern of behavior in Pat where she went looking outside our marriage every time there was a problem or she was unhappy. When Pat began sleeping with you, she largely stopped having sex with me, actively denying it to me for months at a time. You were more fun, more exciting. She never had to balance a checkbook, pay the mortgage or raise children with you. I could not compete. She never had any real sexual interest in me after that.
You went on vacations with her, had secret romantic getaways with her, went out to eat with her, had nice relaxing times, afternoon naps with her. All this as I watched the kids and dogs so she could date you without having to deal with the trouble of domestic life. I helped pay for airfare so she could see you.
You could say "well if it hadn't been us, it would have been others". You would be right right, but it was you.
Bruce: You cost our marriage the most. You were the first, you were with her the longest, at a very critical stage on our marriage, 4 years into it. All that time she spent with you she was not with me. You enabled her first to set up a life-time habit of lying, deceit and betrayal. You took the most passion, time, and energy from our marriage. Pat was desperately in love with you and spent two years vainly pursuing your affection. Her first "kinky" sex was with you. You probably gave her herpes. You are the reason I recently had to reinterpret one of my most cherished memories: A rare moment of physical passion while on spring break in Florida. It is no longer a brief reconnection between us, made possibly by a respite in the living hell my life was, it was because you weren't available and I guess she needed to have sex with someone. I miss my old memory, I hate you for playing a part in stealing that from me. You were young, but that does not excuse your selfishness. It cost Pat, me and my kids tremendously.
Gabriel: You are perhaps the most culpable. You were an adult when you slept with Pat in grad school and again recently. You are the reason I found out about Pat's cheating: she checked her email on my computer and left it up. At the top was an email from you with the subject line "I've got tickets!!!!". You have been divorced before, you knew exactly the pain you were putting Pat and our family at risk for. You knew better. You nevertheless chose to meet her in Spain, then when you were done satisfying your curiosity, told her you weren't interested in any kind of a relationship with her. Your use of Pat cost us our marriage and all of us our happiness. My favorite picture used to be from 1994(?) of Pat returning from a conference in Florida. I had met her at the airport with flowers. She was holding those flowers and petting our little dog, smiling, happy to be home. In actuality, she was happy because she was madly in love with you, and had just spent several days hanging out and having sex with you in a fun, relaxed environment. I miss that old memory too. That was supposed to be me having fun and relaxing with my wife, not you.
Son: I don't know exactly what to say to you. You knew my kids well, they trusted you. Yet, you began an affair with a woman in Vietnam to adopt a child. Have you no sense of decency? You pulled yourself out of Pat to answer the door when Tina knocked on your room door and stood there with your erect penis exposed as you spoke to my 11 year-old girl. You were perhaps too high and drunk to know what you were doing and this may have thus been unintentional, but you did it nonetheless. The first image Tina will ever have of a man's erect penis will be yours, not her boyfriend's or husband's. She had to listen to you and Pat fucking in the room next door for a long time, both before and after you exposed yourself to her. That is how she found out her mother was cheating on her dad. She held that secret for over 6 months, racked by misplaced guilt and shame at what she *thought* was going on, but didn't want to believe, much less say. She said she thought it was her fault, somehow. I hate you for damaging my child. Think about someone doing that to your child as you hold your baby. You now act as though nothing happened. What are you going to do when your wife finds out? Do you think she will understand what you did with Pat and to Christina? Do you know what it is like to have to try to defend your cheating wife from an 11 year-old girl's accusation of being "a whore"? Since last summer Tina never wants to return to Vietnam. How does one do what you did? What kind of person is even capable of thinking of doing something like that? I am at a loss for words to express the anger I feel for what you did to my girl.
All actions, even those borne of a desire for happiness are not equally moral. Taking something from someone (my wife's time, libido, passion) or exposing them to a risk (STDs, divorce) to make yourself happy is a profoundly immoral act. I don't know what religious or morals beliefs you claim to have, but there is no moral code I can imagine which makes it ok to steal, cheat, lie, and hurt. You have dishonored yourselves and hurt at least one person you perhaps claimed to care for at some time, or maybe you didn't. Perhaps you are all just users of people. I don't know you well enough to assess that.
You will now need to live with the consequences of your actions, as do we all. Perhaps you don't care. You will never meet me (again), never see my kids (again), perhaps not even Pat. You can live the rest of your lives and forget what impact your choices had on our lives. I hope you are unable to do so.
I understand your culpability because I too had an affair with a married woman: a sexual encounter with someone I was very much in love with. I understand how it happens. I also understand how guilty we "other men" are. I knew precisely what I was doing and the risk I was exposing my lover to. I knew I was taking something not mine, that I was acting selfishly to fulfill some perceived need I spent quite a while justifying (she really wasn't happy, her husband was not meeting her needs). I had a right to be happy, and if it meant ruining someone's marriage to be happy, hey that's life. I deserved happiness. I was lucky, as was my lover, because we weren't found out. You were not.
I'm guilty as hell.
So are you.
"Pat" is a pseudonym I am using for my wife.
Bruce, Gabriel, Son, Frank, Stephan and possibly others:
I am writing you as part of my attempt to heal from the pain of the end of Pat's and my marriage. The point of this letter is merely to inform you of the damage and pain your actions had and will continue to have on Pat, me and our children as long as we live.
You all have children, you are all married or have been. Please think about your own wives and children as you read this and imagine what it would feel like if this had happened to you, your little kids. Think about this as you kiss your wife or make love to her, think of this as you hug your children.
Try to imagine what it is like to have to reinterpret 18 years of memories, those of nearly my entire adulthood. In part because of you, my children will grow up without a normal family. My life, as I knew it, is not only over, but never existed. I was living in a lie you helped perpetuate, a fantasy existing only in my mind.
Pat's violation of the trust I deliberately extended to her is of course the main problem. I knew she had "crushes" on you, but took her lies at face value when she assured me there was nothing going on. I was happy to give her the freedom to "flirt" with you and feel beautiful and wanted. The main guilt is hers.
You are nonetheless complicit in her deception and also responsible for the end of our marriage. You enabled Pat's bad choices and encouraged her to do things which destroyed her life along with her children's.
You helped destroy any trust which might ever exist between us, Pat and you tainted the happy memories of my youth, exposed them for the screenplays they were. You knew when you were dating her that she was married, most of you had at least met me. Son, you knew my children well. Many of you shook my hand, smiled at me and said it was nice to meet me, and then proceeded to sleep with Pat. Despite knowing me you chose to sleep with my wife, in later years the mother of my children. You understood the risk you were putting her at, in case I found out, but you didn't care enough about her or me or my children to refrain from doing so. One of you gave her genital herpes, since you didn't even care enough about her to use a condom all the time.
Collectively, you took from me something that did not belong to you. You stole my wife's time, libido, affection, passion and energy. You introduced The Big Lie into our marriage which set up a barrier to emotional intimacy between us. You helped establish a pattern of behavior in Pat where she went looking outside our marriage every time there was a problem or she was unhappy. When Pat began sleeping with you, she largely stopped having sex with me, actively denying it to me for months at a time. You were more fun, more exciting. She never had to balance a checkbook, pay the mortgage or raise children with you. I could not compete. She never had any real sexual interest in me after that.
You went on vacations with her, had secret romantic getaways with her, went out to eat with her, had nice relaxing times, afternoon naps with her. All this as I watched the kids and dogs so she could date you without having to deal with the trouble of domestic life. I helped pay for airfare so she could see you.
You could say "well if it hadn't been us, it would have been others". You would be right right, but it was you.
Bruce: You cost our marriage the most. You were the first, you were with her the longest, at a very critical stage on our marriage, 4 years into it. All that time she spent with you she was not with me. You enabled her first to set up a life-time habit of lying, deceit and betrayal. You took the most passion, time, and energy from our marriage. Pat was desperately in love with you and spent two years vainly pursuing your affection. Her first "kinky" sex was with you. You probably gave her herpes. You are the reason I recently had to reinterpret one of my most cherished memories: A rare moment of physical passion while on spring break in Florida. It is no longer a brief reconnection between us, made possibly by a respite in the living hell my life was, it was because you weren't available and I guess she needed to have sex with someone. I miss my old memory, I hate you for playing a part in stealing that from me. You were young, but that does not excuse your selfishness. It cost Pat, me and my kids tremendously.
Gabriel: You are perhaps the most culpable. You were an adult when you slept with Pat in grad school and again recently. You are the reason I found out about Pat's cheating: she checked her email on my computer and left it up. At the top was an email from you with the subject line "I've got tickets!!!!". You have been divorced before, you knew exactly the pain you were putting Pat and our family at risk for. You knew better. You nevertheless chose to meet her in Spain, then when you were done satisfying your curiosity, told her you weren't interested in any kind of a relationship with her. Your use of Pat cost us our marriage and all of us our happiness. My favorite picture used to be from 1994(?) of Pat returning from a conference in Florida. I had met her at the airport with flowers. She was holding those flowers and petting our little dog, smiling, happy to be home. In actuality, she was happy because she was madly in love with you, and had just spent several days hanging out and having sex with you in a fun, relaxed environment. I miss that old memory too. That was supposed to be me having fun and relaxing with my wife, not you.
Son: I don't know exactly what to say to you. You knew my kids well, they trusted you. Yet, you began an affair with a woman in Vietnam to adopt a child. Have you no sense of decency? You pulled yourself out of Pat to answer the door when Tina knocked on your room door and stood there with your erect penis exposed as you spoke to my 11 year-old girl. You were perhaps too high and drunk to know what you were doing and this may have thus been unintentional, but you did it nonetheless. The first image Tina will ever have of a man's erect penis will be yours, not her boyfriend's or husband's. She had to listen to you and Pat fucking in the room next door for a long time, both before and after you exposed yourself to her. That is how she found out her mother was cheating on her dad. She held that secret for over 6 months, racked by misplaced guilt and shame at what she *thought* was going on, but didn't want to believe, much less say. She said she thought it was her fault, somehow. I hate you for damaging my child. Think about someone doing that to your child as you hold your baby. You now act as though nothing happened. What are you going to do when your wife finds out? Do you think she will understand what you did with Pat and to Christina? Do you know what it is like to have to try to defend your cheating wife from an 11 year-old girl's accusation of being "a whore"? Since last summer Tina never wants to return to Vietnam. How does one do what you did? What kind of person is even capable of thinking of doing something like that? I am at a loss for words to express the anger I feel for what you did to my girl.
All actions, even those borne of a desire for happiness are not equally moral. Taking something from someone (my wife's time, libido, passion) or exposing them to a risk (STDs, divorce) to make yourself happy is a profoundly immoral act. I don't know what religious or morals beliefs you claim to have, but there is no moral code I can imagine which makes it ok to steal, cheat, lie, and hurt. You have dishonored yourselves and hurt at least one person you perhaps claimed to care for at some time, or maybe you didn't. Perhaps you are all just users of people. I don't know you well enough to assess that.
You will now need to live with the consequences of your actions, as do we all. Perhaps you don't care. You will never meet me (again), never see my kids (again), perhaps not even Pat. You can live the rest of your lives and forget what impact your choices had on our lives. I hope you are unable to do so.
I understand your culpability because I too had an affair with a married woman: a sexual encounter with someone I was very much in love with. I understand how it happens. I also understand how guilty we "other men" are. I knew precisely what I was doing and the risk I was exposing my lover to. I knew I was taking something not mine, that I was acting selfishly to fulfill some perceived need I spent quite a while justifying (she really wasn't happy, her husband was not meeting her needs). I had a right to be happy, and if it meant ruining someone's marriage to be happy, hey that's life. I deserved happiness. I was lucky, as was my lover, because we weren't found out. You were not.
I'm guilty as hell.
So are you.
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