Hold or Fold

I've been dating a woman for over 2 months now, she's the one who inspired my last blog entry entitled 'Domestic Impulse'. Let me call her 'Debbie' from here on.

My musings over the nature and future of our relationship has led me to the following thought about relationships: all relationships (not just romantic ones, also friends, kids, family) may be comprised of the following components, as appropriate to the relationship.

The following are different aspects of one central idea: you and the other person 'want' each other, you hunger, thirst, wish for, and desire contact with each other.

The type of relationship determines the type of interaction desired: physical proximity, emotional, intellectual, sexual, long-term planning.

Forgetting everything else, the most basic barometer of the health of a relationship is how much you 'want' the other person.

These categories, along with their definitions/required components are:

I- Fun (Friendship)
- Wanting to have fun.
- Desire to share the other person's real-world life, activities.
- Enjoy (any) activities involving the other person (shopping, building decks, bathing kids, riding bike, watching movie, watching football game, volunteering, going to park, cleaning house, fishing, working on cars, going to church).

II- Intimacy/emotional connection (Love)
- 'Static' (historic) knowledge of personal things.
- Communication (free, open, frequent, effective)
- Desire to know/understand the other person fully, to fully share all aspects of their life, particularly the emotional/intellectual ones.
- Empathy (being able and *wanting* to see the world through their eyes)
- Having and wanting a deep, 'dynamic' knowledge and understanding of the other person, what makes them tick?

III- Compatibility
- Sense of humor (how much and which kind: are farts funny?)
- Stress response (how upset are you over a broken dish, window, spilled milk, unintentional hurt, job stress).
- Philosophical/political/religious outlook (eg: basic attitude toward gays, minorities, immigrants, prayer in school, Rush Limbaugh).
- Lifestyle (smoking, drinking, exercise, diet)

IV- Sex (Lover)
- Wanting to pleasure and be pleasured by the other other person.
- Being attracted to the other person.
- Listening to the other person, talking to the other person about what they/you want.
- Being enthusiastic about it, desiring the other person.

V- Partnership (Life Partner)
- Wanting to make a life together
- Wanting to plan for the long-term

Debbie and I have a few things right. Most important is that we do 'fun' really well, an important component of which is that of the domestic variety. I very much enjoy sharing my life with her: going shopping, playing with my youngest at the park, cooking supper. She helps me clean my house on Saturday, not because mopping floors is that much fun, but because we are together and working toward a (small) common goal. She will be moving into her new apartment soon (she was living with a relative), and I am downright giddy at the idea of helping her set up her place. I think I would describe it as a bond of close friendship. I care deeply for her and she for me. We wish to share each other's lives, provide each other companionship, comfort and friendship. It feels right, good, comfortable, warm. When I am with her, I am serene, calm, happy. It is said that men express and receive love through action. When I am with her, I feel loved and I love the bond knit of doing stuff together. To reiterate, I love sharing my life with her.

I nevertheless have doubts about the long-term viability of our relationship, as we seem to have some challenges the area of intimacy. I don't know how to distinguish that from what I described above except that I don't always feel like she 'gets' me, understands me to my core, and I don't feel I really get her.

Part of that may be cultural. Debbie comes from a very different background than I do. I do not consider this difference bad, but as a matter of practical reality, it makes deep communication more difficult. We lack some cultural and linguistic references upon which relies so much of communication and a deep understanding of others. The world Debbie comes from has different rules than mine: hers are more absolute, black/white, direct, whereas my world is one of tortured nuance, and seemingly interminable dithering over questions of propriety or right and wrong.

Part of our issue with intimacy certainly comes from personal differences: as this blog shows, I want to fully explore all issues surrounding a topic, decision or problem. She doesn't. Whereas I find that fleshing-out differences, uncertainties or even conflicts brings me closer to the other person, she finds it sad, depressing, confrontational or even threatening. She has been hurt and subsequently angry when I explain how I miss certain aspects of my old life, like knowing my place in the world, or that I regret my marriage didn't turn out to be what I hoped it could have been. I see delving into areas of disagreement or hearing things I don't want to hear as seeing into someone's soul, finding out who they really are, not just who they want me to see. I find those conversations more intimate and soul-barring than sex ever could be. I have subsequently found myself guarding what I say, for fear of hurting Debbie or starting a spat, a response I consider my own failure, though one I find hard to overcome. This concerns me more than anything else, as this was a characteristic of the relationship with my ex I have no desire to repeat. This could be me not giving Debbie enough credit for being able to deal with stuff, I don't know.

So the bottom line is that I while love many aspects of my relationship with Debbie, it is missing something as it stands today. As I see it, I have three options:

- Accept this as 'good enough' for now, because it genuinely is good, and build on it for the long-term, hoping that it can become enough of what I need it to be to make us both happy. Hope the intimacy and openness of communication can grow as our understanding and trust of each other grows. This option is premised on the notion that relationships are more about the mechanics of communication, compromise and co-habitation than raw emotions which are fleeting and temporary.

- Take it as a temporary relationship, in which we are both getting the love and support we need for now, understanding that at some point in the not too distant future it will end, lovingly.

- Hold out for someone with whom intimacy and openness comes more easily, and hope that intimacy and openness can be nurtured to last and grow for a long time, call it 'forever'. This is the romantic option, the option of faith and hope in True Love (tm). More on that in the next blog. This idea is not the opposite of the first, above, but places more importance on 'chemistry' than the first.

I don't know what to do, I really don't. At the moment I am taking it a day at a time. I will admit I have something of a deadline in mind by which to make up my mind. Debbie is good for me now, I really am happy and content. She is a wonderful, precious person, giving, kind and generous. One interesting thing: since I met her, I have little/no desire to drink in excess, I'm not trying to fill a void anymore. Funny that.

I'll let you know how it goes.

'night y'all.