Advice for the recently divorced

This will be an ongoing entry I think. I'll just add things as they come to me. This is also just my own experience, you may well disagree, feel free to do so. I'm still working on following my own advice, I'll let you know when I succeed.

Please do leave comments, anonymously if you wish. I'm open to suggestions, corrections.

Emotions:
- Expect anger, sadness, loneliness and a sense of deep loss. They will come, and hopefully in time they will go. Anger and bitterness are persistent houses guests. Try to find the beauty and happiness that is still in the world.
- Expect to nearly lose your mind at times, to feel obsessed, angry, sad, distracted.
- Avoid thinking about how you have been wronged. It may be true, but dwelling on it serves little purpose. I have a hard time with this.
- Avoid over-generalizing the wrong done to you. I have a really hard time with this. ALL my memories are tainted, they are all "gone" in a way.
- Acknowledge the reality of what happened: the wrongs both you and your spouses committed. Own you own failures absolutely, don't make excuses for them. No, it was not ok to screw the babysitter, no matter how lonely you were and how hot she was. I didn't do that, but I did have an affair.
- Be patient. I'm really tired of being a head-case, I want it to be done. This makes me feel "stuck", like it will never change, that makes me feel hopeless, depressed. I need to relax and give myself time. I'm told a year is a good minimum to expect. God, 9 more months to go!


Actions:
- Make new friends, and or start hanging out with old ones. Try not to talk too much about your problems, you'll burn them out. That's tough. My friends are understanding and ask to hear... mostly.
- I would say fall in love, but it wouldn't be fair to the poor person you fall in love with. You are probably a bad bet for a long-term anything. You are probably emotionally unstable. I am having an online flirtatious friendship with a wonderful woman who makes me feel loved and appreciated, handsome and desirable. She also gives me the opportunity to pour my affection onto another person, even if it is "virtual".
- Write about your problems, even if just to yourself. Anonymous blogs are great.
- Stay busy: take classes, work on your house, do your hobbies, work a lot. An idle mind is dangerous.
- Get enough sleep, but not too much.
- Eat right.
- Exercise.
- Don't drink excessively. I find that when I do, I am always sad and angry the next day. These last 4 items are important (sleep, food, exercise and not drinking too much).
- Get out, even if it is by yourself, and do stuff. I am so used to just going home after work that it doesn't naturally occur to me.
- Get counseling. I haven't done that, but will soon. That gives you an outlet to talk to people.
- Join a divorce support group. I haven't done that either.
- Get in touch with some kind of "spirituality": start going to church, meditate, pray. Shave your head and sell flowers at the airport (joke).


Your Ex:
- Try to not hate them. Despite their failures, they are human, like you. At one point they loved you, and you them. They allowed you to get to this point in your life, perhaps gave you children, helped you through school, whatever.

- If you can, talk to your ex about stuff, but only as much as they want and as long as it is useful.

I had a small epiphany about this yesterday: My ex deals with stuff by pretending nothing happened and minimizing the importance of what did, in our case justifying her choices. That is her coping mechanism, and whether right or wrong it works for her, it seems to allow her to "move on". I want to talk about it, examine what happened in close detail and wish her to fully own up to the deep moral failure that her actions were, even as I admit mine. That is my way of coping. The two are not compatible. I can't really talk to my ex about stuff: there is no way she will ever really be able to accept the full wrongness of what she did did, it would be too destructive to her self-image. She needs to "bury" her past. I need to unearth it and roll in the putrescence. I need to stop getting her to do that, she just won't go there.


Update:

So it is now about 3 months after the initial post above. I was officially divorced last week. The divorce itself helped me gain some closure. I also started seeing a counselor, that is helping a bit. Time heals things too, as things receded into the past, the pain is less intense, the anger less immediate.

The thing that helped the most though is beginning to date someone. I hope I am not just 'using' her as human prozac, but the feeling of being loved, cared for, hugged, kissed is therapeutic beyond words. Everyone t me I should avoid getting emotionally 'involved' with anyone, just date, they all said. The problem is that I appear to be incapable of not falling for someone I date. Honestly, I need some emotional involvement at this point.

I don't have any really close friends I can spend a lot of time with, and I need emotional intimacy and connection like I need oxygen.

So my advice, for what it's worth, is to get that intimacy however you can: friends, family, dating. Find people who make you feel loved and appreciated, who remind you that you are a wonderful, beautiful, precious human being, who can't wait to talk to you and make you want to get out of bed in the morning.

I am aware enough to realize this may just be a 'rebound' relationship, that she may primarily be a person filling a role I need filled now. I hope not, but even if she is, I think I am meeting her needs too, making her feel precious, beautiful and wanted. Humans are meant to love, life is too short to live without love.