Attachment

I have had a couple occasions recently to ponder the issue of attachment: how we become so attached to things that we fear life without them.

I was very attached to my marriage.

I am attached to my work and the financial security it provides.

I am attached to my stuff: my house, my car, my material life.

I am attached to my friends, their kids and the love I feel when I am around them.

I am attached to my little rituals, the way I do things.

I am attached to my kids, my dog, and even my now-estranged wife.

I am attached to the idea of being romantically bonded to someone.

Most importantly, I am attached to a certain image of myself, a belief in my own basic value and goodness.


I recently went to a Buddhist meditation and discussion. They seemed to say that attachment is almost always something bad, as it causes one to behave reactively, protecting the thing we are attached to, not least of which is our "ego". I would definitely try to protect all the things I mentioned above, to preserve my "relationship" with them. Is that always bad? I don't know.

I can certainly see times when I was overly attached to things that were bad for me, things that I should have let go of a long time ago, but my kids, friends? Why not allow myself to be attached to those?

Perhaps the key is fear, and my reaction to it.

Being separated, I share the kids evenly with my wife: one week on, one week off. During my on-week my oldest occasionally wants to go "off-schedule" over to my wife's to hang out or sleep. Part of me, no small part, feels jealous, afraid that I am losing my relationship with her. I can feel the pressure of that fear pushing me to react negatively: insisting that the schedule be followed, giving her grief for being over there. I do not think that would be a good choice, but I feel the urge to do so, driven by fear, itself driven by attachment. If I allow myself to "let go" of my daughter's love, at least mentally, I can accept her choices, respect her wishes and paradoxically probably make her love me more than if I reacted negatively. I have no wish to lose my daughter's love, and don't think I really will, but I need to let things be as they will be, driven by the forces of reality. My daughter will either love me or not, driven by the reality of how I interact with her and meet her needs (or don't). I need to not try to externally, artificially impose my own will on situations.

I think that may be the key: being ready to "let go" of hopes, desires, and the fear of loss. What's the best bluff? to never bluff. I need to be ready to let go of things, even as I hope not to have to. There are many things I yearn for, some deeply, but some of them are not possible. For those, I need to truly, deeply, "let go", let reality takes its own course and genuinely accept and appreciate reality as it is. There are other things I long for that may happen eventually, but again, I need to learn to "let go" of the desire to have it now, understanding that things will happen (or not) in their own time.

The unwillingness to let go generates fear. Fear prevents me from enjoying, appreciating life as it is, right now.

I used to go canoe-camping on the Wisconsin River quite a bit. There are time when the channel restricts and the current becomes strong. The canoe was also pretty heavily laden and maneuvered like a pregnant Heifer. In those channels, you can see obstacles in the river: logs, rocks, that you need to avoid. You can also see things you want to get to: a clear channel, a place on the shore. The thing is you can't fight the current to get there: a heavy canoe cannot be moved by one person against the current. You can steer, you can direct, but you cannot force the canoe to go in a certain direction. The canoe will pretty much go where it is going to go, with some guidance from you. That guidance is important, critical even, but it is not the primary mover of the canoe. It is important to accept the reality of the current because it ultimately moves the boat, you just influence how. The key to canoeing is understanding, respecting the current and how you choose to interact with it.

To reach a distant objective on the river it also does little good to paddle harder, it may get you there a little faster, but it is exhausting and unsustainable. The best way is to work with the current and wait, simply wait, until it takes you there. You cannot jump ahead.

Reality is a current, the force of that current pushes us in certain directions. We can direct our path, we can aim for places, but reality, history, our circumstances are very strong currents. Fighting the current can lead to small victories, momentary changes in direction, but overall the broad, strong current of reality takes us where it wishes to. Much more effective is to study the current of our lives and work with it to try to achieve our goals, accepting that the current may not allow for it, and moving on to the next objective.

Am I saying that we have no choice, no moral responsibility for what we do? No. We still must choose our path, the direction in which we steer our life. We are responsible for the way in which we react to the current of our lives. Those choices matter and often determine which path we take. I guess my point is that I need to be able to recognize situations where reality is simply going to be a certain way no matter what, and learn to "let go" without bitterness, regret, and carry on with living.

I would like to approach my life that way: openly accepting what is, what will be, without fear, without desperation to attain a certain objective, to appreciate the true wonder of life, as it is, now.