New beginings

Well, events seem to have taken on a life of their own.

It seems like once we started making decisions, it all happened very quickly.

My wife and I are making definite plans to separate, and decided to do that rather than divorce straight away. We figure give it a year and figure things out. Perhaps we'll find we can't live apart, or that we like being semi-married but apart, or that we should get divorced in which case the separation will ease all of us into it.

We are looking at lots to build a house for my wife on, as well as looking at pre-existing homes for sale in our neighborhood. We want to remain very close (1/2 mile or less), so the kids can easily walk/ride bike between our houses. We are still discussing exact locations (0.5 miles versus 300 feet).

We really want to be done moving before school starts. One issue is that build times are currently 4-5 months in our neighborhood.

We are settled on a kid-sharing scheme (alternate weeks at each place, on Tuesdays and Thursdays one of the kids goes to the "off" parent's house, lots of dinners at each other's house, spending time together on weekends). Our goal is to minimize the loss we all experience and maintain a sense of family and closeness. We still love each other, we just won't be living together. At least until one of us enters a serious relationship, the close contact should pose no problem. I struggle to imagine either of us doing that anytime soon, but what do I know?

This seems both surreal and good. Although it is strange to be talking about not living together (it's all I remember), it still feels right, like a good decision. We are separating while we still like each other, can still wish the best for each other.

The best analogy I can think of for the current state of our relationship is that we are like boxers in a clinch: we are locked together, neither of us able to function effectively or be our best, afraid to let go because we'll get hurt, unable to extricate ourselves from a dysfunctional mode of interaction. This separation seems like exactly what we need to go out on our own, define ourselves, our lives, then either come back together healthily or go our separate ways, also healthily. This separation is the referee saying "break".

If we get back together after this, it will be on different terms, a different basis: one of true equality, respect and a genuine desire to be together.

I was asked today what my goals were for the next year. What a great question. I think my main goal will be to find out who I am: what do I like on my own, what am I capable of doing by myself, can I relate socially to others as an individual instead of as part of a couple? I want to start exercising more regularly, being a better dad, read more, go out, make new friends, join some clubs, maybe some classes. I want to find out who I am, me, by myself.

Being seperated will no doubt be at times lonely and depressing, sad and scary. Perhaps much of it will be that way. It could also be exciting and fun: an opportunity to rexamine my life and what I want out of it. I want to become more independent and sure of myself. I feel very much like my personal development, certainly my social development stopped when I was 20 and met my wife.

I feel like just one half of this married entity, I want to become an individual at least part of the time. I want to find out who "me" is when I'm not Dad or husband. Some people speak of re-discovering the person they were before they got married and had kids, I feel like I never existed before then. This will be an exercise in constructing a man from parts gathered over the last 20 years.

So much of my life has been lived in fear, seeking the easiest most comfortable, safest route. I don't want to start living recklessly, I don't think I would enjoy the consequences. I do want to stop living constrained by my fears and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and duty.

I want to live my life to its fullest, in the best sense of that expression, this could be my chance to do so.

I'll let you know how it works out.