[Disclaimer: What follows focuses only on the wrong done to me by my wife and the burden this places on me. I do not claim absolution from guilt or responsibility for our marriage problems, there's enough blame to go around, and I also had an affair. Because of the specifics of our situation and the details of what happened, it seems that that most of the choice for what happens next lies with me. What follows is my thinking about what stands in the way of me giving my marriage everything I have. My wife would also have a list of things I did that she needs to get past for us to continue on together]
Accept them? How can I accept them? Can I deny my faith and everything I believe in? On the other hand, can I deny my own daughter? On the other hand, how can I turn my back on my faith, my people? On the other hand...No, there is no other hand
-Tevye in "Fiddler On The Roof"
One of the things that has become clear is that if our marriage is to continue, I need to be able to "forgive and forget" as well as trust again. I don't know if I can, but those are sine qua non conditions for the continuation of our marriage.
I think forgiveness is indeed a form of "forgetting". Not literally forgetting of course, that is obviously impossible. I think "forgetting" in the context of forgiveness means to stop incessantly thinking about the offense, viewing everything through the filter of the wrong that was committed. The unfortunate reality is that when I see or think of my wife, I see the woman who cheated on me extensively, with several men, over 18 years, including very recently; someone who deceived me and took ruthless advantage of me and my blind, naive trust for those 18 years. I think of the years of memories which are now invalidated, the reality of what actually took place having exposed my memories as mere illusions.
I see all of our previous life together as one big lie. I know that is an overstatement of reality, but that is how it feels to me, and I don't know how to change that.
I need to be able to see the wrong done to me in the context of the larger picture of our relationship. I need to be able to accept what happened and move on without hanging on to past hurt, to put it aside and carry on with my life and relationship. I think that definition of "forgetting" is what forgiveness really is. Forgiveness is setting the past aside and moving forward.
I just don't know that I can do that.
There are two problems. The first is that I don't know that I want to do that. I don't know that I want to effectively say "it's ok", and give a free pass to this behavior, because it wasn't ok, it really wasn't. It was grossly wrong, egregiously selfish and extraordinarily hurtful. The hurt was inflicted not only on me but also directly on my oldest girl: we just found out she has known for 6 months about my wife's infidelity and kept the secret at great personal cost. She found out in the hardest way imaginable. That adds a whole new level of seriousness to the problem. My happiness and best interest are negotiable, hers aren't.
Doesn't there have to be a point, determined by a basic sense of self-respect and the fundamental "game rules" of social interaction, at which one says "no, that was just too much, goodbye"? Aren't there violations of trust and respect deep enough that they cross some sort of threshold, some point of no return, a point where some absolute rules kick in? It feels at times like that point has been reached in my situation. Isn't a basic sense of self-respect something I want to exemplify to my kids?
I feel very much like Tevye: after making every allowance for everything and considering all the reasons for my wife's faithlessness, I feel like I am out of "hands", out of reasons why this might be explainable. I feel like the elastic boundaries of excusable behavior were breached and hard absolutes encountered.
The second problem is that even if I decide "it's o.k." in some sense and choose to move on, how do I "forget" as required? I am currently unable to spend so much as 3 minutes without thinking about what happened, how am I supposed to just shut off the infinite-loop that plays in my mind? I am not choosing those thoughts, really, they are just there. Everything reminds me of what happened: my wife, my kids, my house, pictures, songs, furniture. I would love to be able to stop thinking about how everything I thought I knew about my wife and my life is false, because it really isn't, I just don't know how to.
Similar issues exist in the area of trust. For me to continue being married, I need to trust that my wife will not leave me in 10 years when the kids are older, circumstances more convenient, when her most recent lover changes his mind and begs her to join him, or she meets the next "best guy ever". I have no reason to trust her, she has come very close to leaving me at least twice before. My wife has refused to give up private communication with her last lover, who she claims she is romantically done with and he with her. Her reassurances notwithstanding, choosing to trust her would be irrational, a blind leap of faith ignoring prima facie evidence of how risky that is. So again: do I want to trust her, knowingly exposing myself to the risk of again being taken advantage of? And if I do, how do I get rid of the fear, the constant nagging suspicion that she is planning just that, all the while telling me exactly what I want to hear?
I would like things to be the way they should be: I want to be wholly dedicated to one woman, to love her with hopeless, foolish, reckless abandon, to fully commit every breath I have to her happiness and our life together, without any reservation or hesitation. I want to blindly, gullibly, naively believe everything she says, to never question her commitment to me or mine to her. I want to never wonder if she really wants to be with me or is scheming to leave me. I want to trust her that she will abide by the rules of our relationship, that she won't keep secrets from me or violate my absolute trust in her. I want, no, I need the same from her. I can do that, I've done it before, I just don't know if I can still do it with my wife. It feels like too much has happened, too much hurt, too little trust.
Then again, what is life without the hope that we are all capable of change and renewal? It is spring, Easter Sunday in fact. This is the season where everything becomes new again, where the hope of rebirth and transformation overcomes the stark reality of death and personal failure.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Happy Easter everyone.
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7 comments:
General Douglas MacArthur once said "There is no security on this earth, only opportunities."
Life is unfair and sooner or later everybody gets a bitter taste of this. Sadly being just and doing no harm unto others, does not entitle us to an exemption from life's injustices. Secondly, the past is gone and it is impossible to change what has been done. The degree of suffering (or happiness) that we experience is often tied to how effective we are in making peace with reality. There are people in war zones who have achieved almost God like inner peace while at the same time, there are other people in wealthier surroundings who are in state of being under siege. I'd rather belong to the former group.
Thanks for your comment. I see and appreciate your point.
Here is a follow-up question though: where does forgiveness stop and being a doormat start?
By doormat, I mean not taking reasonable precautions to avoid more abuse, or pretending that the past wrongs never even occurred, not learning from them, not allowing them to modify my future actions.
I have no desire to be vindictive (most of the time), but a basic sense of self-respect and caution seems necessary for me to be ok with who I am.
I don't want to be someone who will be ok with anyone doing anything to them and then allowing them to do it again. It isn't ok. I don't have to hate anyone to clearly make that statement.
I tend to be passive, and am somewhat insecure. I don't want to roll over just because it's the easiest thing to do and I'm afraid of being lonely. Those seem like just as bad motivators as spite and revenge.
That balance between forgiveness/doormat is a tricky one. What do you think?
"where does forgiveness stop and being a doormat start?"
Forgiveness and reconciliation are two totally separate things. I chose to forgive my multiple affair ex-wife but in the end to divorce her. Like you I also told her in the beginning that the only way I could even consider remaining married to her would be if she agreed to an "open marriage". And just like your wife, my ex-wife was not very happy about it but agreed since it was either that or a divorce. To say that I had the time of my life would be an understatement. My marriage did not recover in large part because I could not forgive my then wife for her multiple betrayals. The emotional gulf between us grew wider and wider. Furthermore, I wanted a committed relationship with a woman and not just to have lover after lover. That was impossible while I was married so I I made the decision to divorce her. This choice tore me apart for it meant that I would not be there every day for my children so hence the decision to finalize the marriage 10 years later (by that time, my youngest would be 19).
The doormat issue was not applicable since I was not interested in reconciling with her.
From my POV, it is much easier to forgive (and thus lessen personal recovery time) when the decision is made to end the marriage.
Our situations are eerily similar. I guess by "forgiveness" I did really mean "reconciliation". I recognize your point that the two are not the same. Since I am now sort of settled on divorce, I must say my emotional involvement has diminished and I am much more sane, having in a way "let go". Forgiveness does seem like a more possible option, post-divorce than otherwise.
I am at the same point that you were at, except that I am willing to skip the "time of me life" phase, because I don't see how I can manage it while being married, and I wouldn't like myself while doing it. I just can't see myself doing it, even with all the moral justification in the world. Damn hangups!
A point of clarification, did you decide to divorce her and then still stay with her for 10 years to be near your kids? I didn't quite understand that.
Would you have any interest in continuing this conversation via private email? Did you get her through the TBD website, you could contact me from there if so. If not, that's fine. I just appreciate your perspective.
Thanks so much for your input.
A point of clarification, did you decide to divorce her and then still stay with her for 10 years to be near your kids? I didn't quite understand that.
Yes that is exactly what I did. I chose to remain legally married to her so that I could still be with my children until they turned 18 (19 years old was my youngest when my divorce became final). I realized that she could have divorced me at any time of her own choosing but I believe that she realized that by taking turns babysitting" our kids, we both could pursue our "separate interests" much better than if we were single. But I must say that I was completely unprepared with her reaction of grief and sadness when she received the divorce papers. I truly felt bad for her and gave her as much comfort and support as I possibly could under the circumstances. That moment was an epiphany for me and for the first time in years, I felt compassion towards her as a human being and that was a feeling so powerful that it moved me to the point of crying. Nevertheless, two people may be wrong for each other as spouses but they can still be kind and civil towards one another if they both choose to.
Would you have any interest in continuing this conversation via private email? Did you get her through the TBD website, you could contact me from there if so. If not, that's fine. I just appreciate your perspective.
I did find your story via the TBD website. I will try to register so that we can communicate via private messaging.
There is a great thread on the TBD web-site about forgiveness. My favorite entry is toward the beginging, by "Milt T". He makes some great points, as do others.
Milt's comment is toward the top of this thread:
www.tbd.com/group/23/discussion/12906/view
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