Questions

There are questions I need to answer:

1- Can I get past the hurt and resentment?
2- Do we have enough in the marriage to be worth saving?
3- Would it be different with anyone else, or would all the same problems reappear?
4- Will open marriage work for us?
5- Do we have enough commonality in what we want out of each other and marriage to make it work?
6- Is the price of divorce worth paying?


1- Can I get past the hurt and resentment?

I don't know. I hope so. I seem to be gaining perspective on it by the day, understanding why it happened, how it happened. I am almost not angry anymore. On the other hand, there are some core feelings of violation of trust, unfairness and loss (theft) that I am not seeming to really get past. Perhaps because those are things that are objectively true, determined by facts and not how I feel about them: my trust was violated, it was unfair and stuff was taken from my marriage.


2- Do we have enough of a relationship to be worth saving?

That's a bit easier. I think yes. All the gentle reader knows of my wife is that she cheated on me on and off for most of my adult life. That is the ugly side of her. The truth is that is only a tiny little slice of who she is (but an important one, as it lies at the core of what connects us). The vast majority of my wife is a really nice, caring person. If you met her, you would like her. Really. She has many great qualities, I just haven't really mentioned them. She made some very poor choices, hurting me and herself. That is not "who" she it. She is a good person. That is worth saving. We also have this incredible history together. We know each other better than anyone else ever could. Shared history, growing up together, kids, pets, houses. We are comfortable with each other. We understand and have mostly made peace with each other's peculiarities. We have developed the same beliefs and preferences. We have kids together which we are doing a pretty good job of raising.

So there is a lot to lose if we split up.


3- Would it be better with anyone else?

That is a hard question. I don't know. Would the deficiencies of our marriage (lack of passion, intimacy, and now trust) be different with anyone else, or would it be the same play with a casting change? Would I have enough of the good stuff I have now with my wife and get something else to boot? I guess they would not have cheated on me, and I would never *not* have an at least somewhat open relationship in the future. On the other hand, the pain of this experience would not go away and I might still have trouble trusting the new person, although I wouldn't be reminded of it daily. There might well be aspects of the new person and my relationship with her that would be better: more compatibility, less bad history and built-up resentment.


4- Will open marriage work for us?

That is a complete unknown. I feel like we have no choice. My wife has demonstrated as well as stated that she doesn't attach any moral question to secret affairs. She said she stopped even asking the question of whether they were good/bad. They were just something she was going to do to make herself happy, and didn't think of it beyond that initial decision. That being the case, I feel it is impossible for me to even consider a normal marriage with her: the next time things turned to crap between us, she would seek the same escape. She would lie again if she had promised not to. I would never know if she was telling the truth or not.

As harsh an assessment as that is, an open marriage may work: the only rule is that there are (almost) no rules. Use a condom, let the other person know it happened.

The problem I see for myself is that I am not looking for sex per se. What I want is romance, love. That is hard to achieve in casual sexual encounters, very hard. Impossible. I have a hard time seeing myself satisfied with one-night-stands. So where does one find real romance out there, and wouldn't it severely detract from our marriage? Lastly, if I did find real romance and "connection" with someone out there, wouldn't I just want the whole enchilada with them? Because the truth is that that is was I want: everything. I want to come home and have someone really happy to see me, want to talk to me, not be able to wait to be alone to do something with me: read, watch a movie, make love, have sex, make out. Did I mention sex? Not want to go to sleep because it is so much more fun to be up with me. That is what I want. I don't know, other than sex, what affairs could provide.

There are people who claim this works great. The disadvantage we have is that we are coming from a situation of complete lack of trust and more than a little hurt. I don't think I would engage in "angry screwing", but these aren't the best conditions under which to start something so rife with challenges.


5- Sufficient commonality

I'm not sure. In the recent past, I think the answer was "no". My wife sees/saw marriage merely as a vehicle for raising children, making a life together, being close friends, good roommates. I want, I need so much more. I need a hint of being in love. I need to really feel wanted in every way. I see marriage as this deep emotional bonding between two people. This is not completely unlike what one might have with a close friend, but it is more. I don't know if the "extra" part is just sexual or if it is a warm tenderness in your heart for each other. Whatever it is, I now need a lot more than just being friends and roommates.

The nature of our relationship appears to have changed, although the precipitating events are so new, it is hard to know what will stick, and if the freedom of honesty and her current external romantic experience will have changed her view of what she wants out of marriage, if indeed she returns wanting to remain married.


6- Is the price of divorce worth paying?

That is a tough question. I am adding this question after the initial post of this article, because we both recently came to the conclusion that we probably would be better off getting a divorce. We started discussing realistic options, negotiating terms. The conclusion of this first pass is that it would cost us a lot, in every way. Some of the more significant are how to split up the kids, the loss of a relationship that still has many great things about it, and the additional financial burden of maintaining two households. The kid-issue is the hardest: not being able to see your kids every day, not being there when they wake up in the middle of the night with a nightmare. That idea breaks my heart. The loss of the relationship with my wife would also be hard. In spite of everything, my wife an I have an extraordinarily close and (mostly) honest, open relationship. That would be a great loss. The financial reality would also be difficult: if we stay together, we will soon be in the enviable position of having a house that is paid for. This would free us up to pursue careers that do not generate 6-figure incomes.


I guess we'll see. We have a few months to decide, see what happens. Just think of all the great blog material.



Sorry for the brain-dump. I feel so much better now.

Goodnight.