The cost of an affair

So I've always had this rather "economic" view of affairs, namely the if they don't cost me anything, why should I care? This was an abstract theoretical position. It was recently put to the test.

I am now able to compare several different types of affairs: long ones with a strong romantic content, short romantic one, short unromantic ones, and "open" ones (where the spouse knows about it). Most of these experiences were my wife having affairs, I had a one-timer and an "open" one recently. I will draw from both of our reactions. I claim no universality to my observations, this is just how it seems to feel for us.

My first observation is that the thing that hurts the most by far is the deception, lying and betrayal. The sex or even romance is almost inconsequential. They could have been playing tiddlywinks and the effect would not have been much different. Being lied to for years attacks trust, which is foundational to any close relationship. The lack of trust will probably be the biggest problem we face, if I had to guess. My wife is right now spending time getting reaquainted with an old lover while on vacation in Spain. I wish it were me, so I am envious (I would love a vacation in Spain), but I am not really that bothered by it because I knew about it, even before her "confession". I had an overnight stay at a woman's house with my wife's approval. She claims, and appears, to not be bothered by it.

The second observation is that the cost of an affair seems to be proportional to how long it lasted and how much time/energy it took from the marriage. Most of my wife's affairs where short (a few days to a few weeks), and didn't really take that much time away from us. There are only two that I really have a hard time getting my head around: one is a two-year affair she had 15 years ago. This involved many (50?) encounters and a lot of time spent together. During this time, my wife had no desire at all for sex with me and even was denying it to me. That affair cost our marriage and me a lot. The other is her overseas boyfriend she goes and sees every summer for several weeks. That is mostly just time away. Vacation and fun experiences that happen with someone else instead of me.

My third observation is that much of what I feel can only be described as envy and resentment. I wish I could have been allowed to pursue "fun" during that same time. When I proposed openness, it was flatly turned down as gross. I dropped it and played by the rules. In the true definition of cheating, my wife wanted different rules to apply to me than to her. That wasn't "fair", as my kids would say.

Lastly, I don't think all affairs are bad in a practical sense. This may well seem self-serving, but I really don't think that my affair was bad for our marriage: it made me desperately want to try to get the spark of passion back in our marriage, and really re-awoke (or gave birth to) the hidden romantic in me. I was frantically wooing my wife for a couple months after it happened. It really gave me a whole new outlook on life.

So the cost of affairs for us seems to be: breakdown of trust caused by deceit, the time/energy diverted from the marriage and the resentment caused by the unfairness of two sets of rules.

So here is some simple unsolicited, opinionated advice about a standard affair:

1- DON'T DO IT if you care about your marriage. If you don't, go nuts.
2- Try to fix your marriage.
3- If outside sex/romance is something you need, negotiate an "open" marriage which can at least still be based on trust. The violation of trust is the worst thing by far, perhaps the only bad thing. The time spent can then be negotiated too.
4- If you can't negotiate an open marriage, either suck it up or get a divorce.
5- As a last resort, if you do it, NEVER, EVER, EVER confess. Lie through your teeth until the day you die. Never tell anyone else. The cost of this is high though: it puts up a huge barrier to intimacy and closeness. I am convinced that was a lot of the problem in my marriage for the last 17 years. This may kill your marriage, just much more slowly and subtly. This is a real hidden cost, which is why it is the last resort.

So that's my free advice, and it's worth every penny.