Hard Things

I've always been good at not quitting hard things. Really hard things, and really never quitting. I think part of it is because of the way I was raised: one never gives up, quits, or shies away from a difficult task. Part of it is because of fear and insecurity too: I fear the unknown. The familiar, no matter how difficult, is the devil I know. I am a very prudent person, sometimes overly so.

This is often a useful habit, but not always. There are hard things that aren't worth it.

I spent 8 years in a graduate program, from age 22 to age 30. The best years of my life, in many ways. While other people where having kids, traveling, building careers, living, I was learning things that have little usefulness in my current life. Moreover, my adviser was one of the two true narcissistic sociopaths I have met and made my life a living hell, but I stuck with him because that's what I do.

I spent at least 6 years in absolute marital misery, not divorcing primarily because I didn't want to give up. During that time my spouse and I inflicted much emotional pain on each other and our one child at the time, possibly scarring her for life. Wouldn't want to quit, now would we? Wouldn't be prudent.

As our last house needed a lot of work, for many years I spent most holidays and many weekends working on it doing major construction, something I knew nothing about. This was time I didn't spend with my family.

I stayed in my first job for at least 3 years after it started really sucking really bad, contributing to my low-grade depression and marital problems.

I stayed in an exercise group for three years after I stopped liking it because the instructor completely changed the format and content of the class.



While I tend to overdo the whole sticking-with-it thing, it does have upsides too:

My stint in grad school allowed me to discover a lot about the world: I look at the world and understand (in part) how it works. I love that. I met dozens of wonderful people and formed some beautiful relationships. It eventually led me to a good career which allows me to get things that really do make me happy. I know that things aren't supposed to, but that's not completely true. My horrible adviser gave me the ability to tolerate almost any behavior with equanimity. I can constructively work with the most difficult and unpleasant people. I don't like it, but I can do it. That has proven invaluable on many occasions.

Because I remained married, I now have two wonderful children who fill my life with joy. My spouse is a great parent, who has helped form who my children are and gave them experiences I could not have. I have a hard time imagining someone who could be a better parent, friend, colleague, roommate than my spouse. I also learned a lot about relationships and how to live with someone, or at least how not to.

I have learned how to work on houses, which allowed us to have a much nicer house than we could have otherwise. My spouse and I mixed and poured concrete two Christmases in a row, in the snow. We converted a basement into a very nice apartment, built 1500 sq ft of decking which we enjoyed immensely. Our best times as a couple were working on the house together.

I went on several long-distance bicycle/camping as well as long canoe/camping trips. I have done some with my spouse, with my oldest child, a very good friend. They were hard, but I still think about them 3 years after my last one. They were great bonding experiences.

When my last job ended, I happened to be looking for work at exactly the right time and found a better job in a much nicer location. I have made some good friends. I have been given this wonderful chance to reexamine my life and rediscover a sense of passion and excitement.


Much of my blog has revolved around the question of whether I should give up on my marriage or work harder at it; give up on getting my emotional and romantic needs met entirely/primarily through it or try harder. Unfortunately, I can't trust myself to give up, even if that is the best thing, and even if it would be obvious to others in a similar situation. Apparently, one can have too much of a good thing. And yet, there are times when toughing it out is the best thing to do.

It is a fine art to know what/when to quit and when to hunker down and tough it out. The thing is that you never know ahead of time what the best solution is, so you just do the best you can and what seems like a good idea at the time.

I wish I was better at that.