When it rains, it pours. After not writing for over a month, this is my second post of the day. I was originally going to shoe-horn this into the last post, but then thought it would do better on it's own.
I have been given two wonderful life philosophies in the last year.
Life Philosophy #1:
Live your life by two rules:
1- Be happy
2- Don't hurt others
On the very rare occasion where there is a real conflict between the two, pick rule 1.
Life Philosophy #2:
This is a direct quote from the movie "Second Hand Lions", in which the character played by Robert Duvall says:
"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most: that people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in"
At first blush, the first life philosophy seems like an argument for Hedonism. It isn't. I am finding it more and more true that the more "selfish" we are, watching out for our own basic happiness, the better it is for everyone. Perhaps the converse is clearer: if we compromise our own basic happiness to protect others' feelings or a relationship, we hurt everyone. I find this hard because my first instinct is to 'protect' other people's feelings by suppressing my own basic needs and wants. The more open we are, especially on issues where there is hurt, conflict or disagreement, the closer, more real, intimate, true and meaningful our relationships are.
Even if true honesty exposes irreconcilable differences and terminates a relationship, it does so earlier, with less pain and loss than would occur after perpetuating an unsustainable and hurtful relationship. I should know, I did that for 15 years, even though, in hindsight, I knew better.
The second life philosophy is an eloquent argument for faith. It is the statement that life is only worth living if lived without compromising one's basic principles. It says that a life without ideals isn't worth living, it is tepid, insipid, meaningless. That quote says that life should be, must be, about more than eating, sleeping, working, copulating, reproducing, having fun. A life should mean something. One should be able to look back on their life and not regret having compromised who they are for the taudry business of survival.
It resonated with me as I have let the pain and disappointment of my failed marriage sour me on the idea of finding True Love. I need to believe in it, whether or not it is true, kind of like training for a race one has no chance of winning. I think my lack of belief in True Love has tainted my attitude in looking for it. I am too analytical, half-hearted, perfectly exemplified by my post of an hour ago. I need to believe in the (perhaps fallacious idea) that there exists at least one person out there who will take my breath away, lay my soul bare with their gaze and with whom I will be in love with 'forever' and they, me. I need to believe that even if my previous post's taxonomy of relationships is correct, it will become irrelevant when faced with the overwhelming power of the right relationship.
While the hopeless romanticism of that last paragraph, caveats notwithstanding, has me reaching for the 'delete' key, I think the faith it expresses is necessary to find someone with whom that is even a possibility.
I would love to hear other perspectives, please give me yours, anonymously if need be.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Hold or Fold
I've been dating a woman for over 2 months now, she's the one who inspired my last blog entry entitled 'Domestic Impulse'. Let me call her 'Debbie' from here on.
My musings over the nature and future of our relationship has led me to the following thought about relationships: all relationships (not just romantic ones, also friends, kids, family) may be comprised of the following components, as appropriate to the relationship.
The following are different aspects of one central idea: you and the other person 'want' each other, you hunger, thirst, wish for, and desire contact with each other.
The type of relationship determines the type of interaction desired: physical proximity, emotional, intellectual, sexual, long-term planning.
Forgetting everything else, the most basic barometer of the health of a relationship is how much you 'want' the other person.
These categories, along with their definitions/required components are:
I- Fun (Friendship)
- Wanting to have fun.
- Desire to share the other person's real-world life, activities.
- Enjoy (any) activities involving the other person (shopping, building decks, bathing kids, riding bike, watching movie, watching football game, volunteering, going to park, cleaning house, fishing, working on cars, going to church).
II- Intimacy/emotional connection (Love)
- 'Static' (historic) knowledge of personal things.
- Communication (free, open, frequent, effective)
- Desire to know/understand the other person fully, to fully share all aspects of their life, particularly the emotional/intellectual ones.
- Empathy (being able and *wanting* to see the world through their eyes)
- Having and wanting a deep, 'dynamic' knowledge and understanding of the other person, what makes them tick?
III- Compatibility
- Sense of humor (how much and which kind: are farts funny?)
- Stress response (how upset are you over a broken dish, window, spilled milk, unintentional hurt, job stress).
- Philosophical/political/religious outlook (eg: basic attitude toward gays, minorities, immigrants, prayer in school, Rush Limbaugh).
- Lifestyle (smoking, drinking, exercise, diet)
IV- Sex (Lover)
- Wanting to pleasure and be pleasured by the other other person.
- Being attracted to the other person.
- Listening to the other person, talking to the other person about what they/you want.
- Being enthusiastic about it, desiring the other person.
V- Partnership (Life Partner)
- Wanting to make a life together
- Wanting to plan for the long-term
Debbie and I have a few things right. Most important is that we do 'fun' really well, an important component of which is that of the domestic variety. I very much enjoy sharing my life with her: going shopping, playing with my youngest at the park, cooking supper. She helps me clean my house on Saturday, not because mopping floors is that much fun, but because we are together and working toward a (small) common goal. She will be moving into her new apartment soon (she was living with a relative), and I am downright giddy at the idea of helping her set up her place. I think I would describe it as a bond of close friendship. I care deeply for her and she for me. We wish to share each other's lives, provide each other companionship, comfort and friendship. It feels right, good, comfortable, warm. When I am with her, I am serene, calm, happy. It is said that men express and receive love through action. When I am with her, I feel loved and I love the bond knit of doing stuff together. To reiterate, I love sharing my life with her.
I nevertheless have doubts about the long-term viability of our relationship, as we seem to have some challenges the area of intimacy. I don't know how to distinguish that from what I described above except that I don't always feel like she 'gets' me, understands me to my core, and I don't feel I really get her.
Part of that may be cultural. Debbie comes from a very different background than I do. I do not consider this difference bad, but as a matter of practical reality, it makes deep communication more difficult. We lack some cultural and linguistic references upon which relies so much of communication and a deep understanding of others. The world Debbie comes from has different rules than mine: hers are more absolute, black/white, direct, whereas my world is one of tortured nuance, and seemingly interminable dithering over questions of propriety or right and wrong.
Part of our issue with intimacy certainly comes from personal differences: as this blog shows, I want to fully explore all issues surrounding a topic, decision or problem. She doesn't. Whereas I find that fleshing-out differences, uncertainties or even conflicts brings me closer to the other person, she finds it sad, depressing, confrontational or even threatening. She has been hurt and subsequently angry when I explain how I miss certain aspects of my old life, like knowing my place in the world, or that I regret my marriage didn't turn out to be what I hoped it could have been. I see delving into areas of disagreement or hearing things I don't want to hear as seeing into someone's soul, finding out who they really are, not just who they want me to see. I find those conversations more intimate and soul-barring than sex ever could be. I have subsequently found myself guarding what I say, for fear of hurting Debbie or starting a spat, a response I consider my own failure, though one I find hard to overcome. This concerns me more than anything else, as this was a characteristic of the relationship with my ex I have no desire to repeat. This could be me not giving Debbie enough credit for being able to deal with stuff, I don't know.
So the bottom line is that I while love many aspects of my relationship with Debbie, it is missing something as it stands today. As I see it, I have three options:
- Accept this as 'good enough' for now, because it genuinely is good, and build on it for the long-term, hoping that it can become enough of what I need it to be to make us both happy. Hope the intimacy and openness of communication can grow as our understanding and trust of each other grows. This option is premised on the notion that relationships are more about the mechanics of communication, compromise and co-habitation than raw emotions which are fleeting and temporary.
- Take it as a temporary relationship, in which we are both getting the love and support we need for now, understanding that at some point in the not too distant future it will end, lovingly.
- Hold out for someone with whom intimacy and openness comes more easily, and hope that intimacy and openness can be nurtured to last and grow for a long time, call it 'forever'. This is the romantic option, the option of faith and hope in True Love (tm). More on that in the next blog. This idea is not the opposite of the first, above, but places more importance on 'chemistry' than the first.
I don't know what to do, I really don't. At the moment I am taking it a day at a time. I will admit I have something of a deadline in mind by which to make up my mind. Debbie is good for me now, I really am happy and content. She is a wonderful, precious person, giving, kind and generous. One interesting thing: since I met her, I have little/no desire to drink in excess, I'm not trying to fill a void anymore. Funny that.
I'll let you know how it goes.
'night y'all.
My musings over the nature and future of our relationship has led me to the following thought about relationships: all relationships (not just romantic ones, also friends, kids, family) may be comprised of the following components, as appropriate to the relationship.
The following are different aspects of one central idea: you and the other person 'want' each other, you hunger, thirst, wish for, and desire contact with each other.
The type of relationship determines the type of interaction desired: physical proximity, emotional, intellectual, sexual, long-term planning.
Forgetting everything else, the most basic barometer of the health of a relationship is how much you 'want' the other person.
These categories, along with their definitions/required components are:
I- Fun (Friendship)
- Wanting to have fun.
- Desire to share the other person's real-world life, activities.
- Enjoy (any) activities involving the other person (shopping, building decks, bathing kids, riding bike, watching movie, watching football game, volunteering, going to park, cleaning house, fishing, working on cars, going to church).
II- Intimacy/emotional connection (Love)
- 'Static' (historic) knowledge of personal things.
- Communication (free, open, frequent, effective)
- Desire to know/understand the other person fully, to fully share all aspects of their life, particularly the emotional/intellectual ones.
- Empathy (being able and *wanting* to see the world through their eyes)
- Having and wanting a deep, 'dynamic' knowledge and understanding of the other person, what makes them tick?
III- Compatibility
- Sense of humor (how much and which kind: are farts funny?)
- Stress response (how upset are you over a broken dish, window, spilled milk, unintentional hurt, job stress).
- Philosophical/political/religious outlook (eg: basic attitude toward gays, minorities, immigrants, prayer in school, Rush Limbaugh).
- Lifestyle (smoking, drinking, exercise, diet)
IV- Sex (Lover)
- Wanting to pleasure and be pleasured by the other other person.
- Being attracted to the other person.
- Listening to the other person, talking to the other person about what they/you want.
- Being enthusiastic about it, desiring the other person.
V- Partnership (Life Partner)
- Wanting to make a life together
- Wanting to plan for the long-term
Debbie and I have a few things right. Most important is that we do 'fun' really well, an important component of which is that of the domestic variety. I very much enjoy sharing my life with her: going shopping, playing with my youngest at the park, cooking supper. She helps me clean my house on Saturday, not because mopping floors is that much fun, but because we are together and working toward a (small) common goal. She will be moving into her new apartment soon (she was living with a relative), and I am downright giddy at the idea of helping her set up her place. I think I would describe it as a bond of close friendship. I care deeply for her and she for me. We wish to share each other's lives, provide each other companionship, comfort and friendship. It feels right, good, comfortable, warm. When I am with her, I am serene, calm, happy. It is said that men express and receive love through action. When I am with her, I feel loved and I love the bond knit of doing stuff together. To reiterate, I love sharing my life with her.
I nevertheless have doubts about the long-term viability of our relationship, as we seem to have some challenges the area of intimacy. I don't know how to distinguish that from what I described above except that I don't always feel like she 'gets' me, understands me to my core, and I don't feel I really get her.
Part of that may be cultural. Debbie comes from a very different background than I do. I do not consider this difference bad, but as a matter of practical reality, it makes deep communication more difficult. We lack some cultural and linguistic references upon which relies so much of communication and a deep understanding of others. The world Debbie comes from has different rules than mine: hers are more absolute, black/white, direct, whereas my world is one of tortured nuance, and seemingly interminable dithering over questions of propriety or right and wrong.
Part of our issue with intimacy certainly comes from personal differences: as this blog shows, I want to fully explore all issues surrounding a topic, decision or problem. She doesn't. Whereas I find that fleshing-out differences, uncertainties or even conflicts brings me closer to the other person, she finds it sad, depressing, confrontational or even threatening. She has been hurt and subsequently angry when I explain how I miss certain aspects of my old life, like knowing my place in the world, or that I regret my marriage didn't turn out to be what I hoped it could have been. I see delving into areas of disagreement or hearing things I don't want to hear as seeing into someone's soul, finding out who they really are, not just who they want me to see. I find those conversations more intimate and soul-barring than sex ever could be. I have subsequently found myself guarding what I say, for fear of hurting Debbie or starting a spat, a response I consider my own failure, though one I find hard to overcome. This concerns me more than anything else, as this was a characteristic of the relationship with my ex I have no desire to repeat. This could be me not giving Debbie enough credit for being able to deal with stuff, I don't know.
So the bottom line is that I while love many aspects of my relationship with Debbie, it is missing something as it stands today. As I see it, I have three options:
- Accept this as 'good enough' for now, because it genuinely is good, and build on it for the long-term, hoping that it can become enough of what I need it to be to make us both happy. Hope the intimacy and openness of communication can grow as our understanding and trust of each other grows. This option is premised on the notion that relationships are more about the mechanics of communication, compromise and co-habitation than raw emotions which are fleeting and temporary.
- Take it as a temporary relationship, in which we are both getting the love and support we need for now, understanding that at some point in the not too distant future it will end, lovingly.
- Hold out for someone with whom intimacy and openness comes more easily, and hope that intimacy and openness can be nurtured to last and grow for a long time, call it 'forever'. This is the romantic option, the option of faith and hope in True Love (tm). More on that in the next blog. This idea is not the opposite of the first, above, but places more importance on 'chemistry' than the first.
I don't know what to do, I really don't. At the moment I am taking it a day at a time. I will admit I have something of a deadline in mind by which to make up my mind. Debbie is good for me now, I really am happy and content. She is a wonderful, precious person, giving, kind and generous. One interesting thing: since I met her, I have little/no desire to drink in excess, I'm not trying to fill a void anymore. Funny that.
I'll let you know how it goes.
'night y'all.
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