Forgiveness

I get it!!!

I finally think I understand what 'forgiveness' is: the definition of the word, or at least a definition, my definition.

When in the throes of the pain and rage resulting from my divorce and the events leading up to it, I remember wondering what in the world 'forgiveness' was. My world was so full of pain/anger, it blinded me. It was all I saw, no matter where I looked. My life was pain and anger. I couldn't imagine a world where it didn't consume me, where I could go 20 seconds without thinking about what happened, the injustice of it all.

As of fairly recently, that is no longer really the case... mostly. I feel I've turned a corner of sorts, something in my my mind clicked. The usual disclaimer applies: these are merely my reflections on my own experience and state of mind. I believe these to be true about me. I have no idea how universally they may or not apply to anyone else. This is true despite my use of didactic language, such as the use of the pronoun "you". I don't intend to sound pompous, it just comes naturally ;-)



What forgiveness is NOT:

'Forgiveness' has almost nothing to do with the person who wronged you. In that sense you aren't really forgiving them, it has little to do with them. "Forgiving someone" is misleading. It actually has nothing to do with anyone but you and your own state of mind.

I have not forgotten what happened, not one bit. If I think, I can recall the surreal moment in which I found out my entire marriage had been an elaborate hoax (a view I held, then distanced myself from, but am now coming back to to some degree). The reality of what happened is still clear in my mind, the incomprehensible, bewildering pain of my wife's extensive infidelity is no less real.

I also now see, in a way I didn't a few weeks ago, my ex' infidelity for the profoundly immoral, selfish, reckless, even evil action it was. Her use of so many close relationships of hers and mine to enable and cover up her shallow pursuit of happiness is despicable and wrong beyond words. I use such strong language to make a point: what was done to me and people I love is NOT ok, not even close. But forgiveness does not require that.

So what happened?

Through what mechanism have I achieved some measure of 'forgiveness'?

Also what does forgiveness mean if not that I have either partially forgotten the pain, seen its reality diminished, or downgraded the wrong done, 'gained perspective' on it to see that it wasn't that bad?


What forgiveness IS (my definition):

In a word, forgiveness is healing. Forgiveness is stopping caring (so much) about what happened. That's all.

To clarify and reiterate, I don't mean that forgiveness leads to healing, but that healing from the pain, the very fact that you can move past the pain IS forgiveness, a synonym for it. Being able to go a day without really thinking about the wrong done you... THAT is forgiveness.

Here's an SAT-inspired analogy: Forgiveness is to healing as losing weight is to becoming thin. They are the same thing. To say "you need to forgive to move on" is saying "you need to lose weight to become thin".

Three basic things have allowed me to begin to forgive, i.e. to partially get past the pain:
- Time.
- Revisiting/reexamining the wrong.
- Being free to be who I wish to be.



Time:

I said I hadn't forgotten. That's true, but time has given me some distance from the event, some perspective. By "perspective" I mean the pain is still there, but it is not this world-shattering, blinding bolt of pain/rage it once was. I can now see the world around me, I understand that this horrible thing is just part of my life. A very painful part. I will live on, I have an existence outside of the pain.



Revisiting the past:

I don't know if this will work for you, but I talked, thought and wrote incessantly about my life, divorce, thoughts, anger and pain. I constantly revisited what happened and why, for months. I still do, as you can see. I did it until I was exhausted, too tired to feel much of anything when I thought/talked/wrote about what happened. I used up a lot of the anger and pain of the event in words. Sometimes it seemed like I was just getting myself wound up over stuff that couldn't change because it lives in the past. Perhaps I was, but eventually even that stopped working at getting me very wound up. Yes what my wife did was bad, yes I was betrayed, what am I going to fix the kids for supper?


Being me:

As previously stated, 'forgiveness' means only that I am able to move past having been wronged, resume my life, and be who I want to be. That last bit is important. I now feel free to be me. Part of 'me' is new, part of me is who I was all along, but had been suppressed by a bad marriage and the pain of its end.

A part of me I have intentionally encouraged to flourish is a spirit of reconciliation, generosity and kindness, tempered by a clear definition of boundaries. I am choosing to extend to my ex kindness and generosity she has done nothing to deserve. She deserves only contempt, anger and spite, which I am free to show her, if that is what I want.

Yet I have very deliberately tried to re-establish a friendship with my ex-wife. I try to do nice things for her: bring her leftovers if she wants them, ask about her mental and physical health, her job, talk about the kids, offer to split certain expenses. I make time to speak to her when she needs to talk, I am polite and friendly. I have accepted her boyfriend and their relationship, even though it was not the easiest thing to do.

I am doing these things with the clear understanding that I expect nothing in return. I am not trying to change her, make her regret anything, help her see the light of how she should live. I frankly doubt she is capable of deep change, but would love to be proved wrong. I am not even doing these things as favors for her. I am doing these things for me, because that is who I want to be. If the above seems like I am painting too good a picture of myself, it is partially true. That wonderful, kind person is who I want to be, not necessarily who I always naturally am.

The point is that I feel free to be that person or his angry twin. I can do anything I want, be anyone I want. Lest you think me some altruistic angel, please believe me that I am this nice person for completely selfish motives.

First, it makes me like myself. I love thinking of myself as that nice guy. That's easier when I actually am nice. I love liking who I see in the mirror, even if he is just a bit of a poser.

Secondly, and much more importantly I find it almost impossible to really be angry with my ex when I am nice and friendly, gentle and giving of myself. Even just talking to my ex reminds me of the 25-year friendship we had, and the unbreakable bond of family we still have.

The anger that was eating at me like a rat was blocking me, preventing me from moving on, from healing. Being nice, "forgiving" in the commonly-used sense of the word, has defanged the rat. The rat will gum me at times, but then I just pick up the phone, call my ex and ask her if she wants some leftover Frito-pie, and I'm happy. The rat goes back in his hole.

I am conscious that in being nice to someone who hurt me so badly, I am worsening the fundamental injustice of the universe. She deserves the worst, but instead of doing my share to even the balance of pain, I am making the unbalance worse. I don't care. It isn't my job to make the universe fair, I need to look out for myself, I need to do this.

I'm being somewhat sarcastic, dramatic, perhaps funny in what I said about fairness. It is in fact often difficult, sometimes very difficult for me to see my ex suffer few obvious consequences for her choices. The truth is I often desperately want her to feel every shred of pain she inflicted on me and mine. Unfortunately, any act of revenge would be a Pyrrhic victory, hurting me more than her. The universe has a twisted sense of humor that way. Take the above paragraph as a statement of how I want to think. Still working on it.

Perhaps what I have discovered has a spark of universality to it: in order to 'forgive' (move on), you have to get over your anger. Maybe the only way to do that is to extend to the offending party unearned and undeserved grace, kindness and generosity. Maybe that behavior toward others is observed, and called "forgiving others", even though it has nothing to do with them and is completely selfishly motivated.