I just want to plug what is, I think, the best book I've ever read:
Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled"
It's rather well known, but I had never read it. My therapist recommended it to me. It's like reading an instruction manual on people. It has had a profound influence, in just the few days I've been reading it, on my view of myself, my choices, my parenting, my ex, my parents, love, marriage.
That's all.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Reflections on Divorce
Ok, this may sound like I know what everyone's experience of divorce will be. I don't. These are *really* just my reflections on my experience of my divorce.
I have chosen to maintain in fairly close contact, geographically and otherwise, with my ex. This is not the choice most people make.
I was motivated by seeing guy friends of mine whose ex' cheated on them. They just picked up, told their ex' to have a nice life and left. Both of them are bitter and angry to this day, 10 years later. They were never able to let go of those feelings. It's as though their feelings are frozen as the way they were when they left, there was no resolution.
Wishing to avoid that, to allow the kids to have as normal a life as possible, and to salvage as much of the love and friendship which did in fact characterize much of my marriage, I made the choice I did.
I don't yet know if remaining close my ex was right or not, time will tell. I sometimes wish I had just taken the kids, gotten full custody, made her give me child support. I would have gotten a certain amount of satisfaction from that. On the other hand, I don't want to be the angry-ex, I don't want to hold onto my anger, allowing it to eat at me. I want to be forgiving and kind, because that is who I want to be, not because she deserves anything.
Here's the deal: divorce sucks. It is traumatic and painful; it will mark your life like almost no other event I can think of. These are my thoughts on how to minimize that trauma.
1- Talk to people, stay busy
One thing I am confident in saying is you should talk to a lot of people about what you are going/went through, preferably people who have been divorced. They can provide you with useful advice, insight and support. Lean on your friends, family, colleagues, professional counselors, anyone who has been through a divorce, knows you, or has reason to know what they are talking about. It doesn't matter if you find yourself saying the same thing over and over. If they are good friends, or paid professionals ;-), they will listen. Do it.
Stay busy. Resume your hobbies or pick up new ones, exercise, read/write, build stuff, work hard.
I found there are several things that really help me deal with divorce depression: exercise, not drinking too much (or even at all, I find it accentuates depression the next day) eating and sleeping right, writing and interacting with friends. Oh yeah, and my girlfriend, my "human Prozac". There is nothing like the feeling of being loved, really loved. Friends are good for that too.
2- Pre-negotiate the terms of your divorce
If possible, pre-negotiate the terms of your divorce. Agree with your spouse on the division of property, money, children, pets. My spouse and I knew exactly how we wanted our divorce to read. I hired a lawyer and told her to write up our decree with those terms. Any changes my lawyer suggested were discussed with my spouse. Keep everything clear and transparent. Decide up front to care about as little possible, only the stuff that really matters. Pick your battles very, very carefully You have two motivations to do this: money and emotional trauma.
Even my completely uncontested "just write it up" divorce cost $4000. A friend who went through a collaborative process paid about $20,000. I can't imagine a contested or ugly divorce. Every item requiring lawyers to negotiate will cost you hundreds or thousands of dollars. All that money you worked so hard to save will vanish. Unless you have no kids and little/no joint property, I would still recommend getting a lawyer involved, just because they know what kinds of things should go into a decree.
Your second motivation is emotional trauma. You thought arguing while you were married sucked? It's worse during a divorce. Everything fought over leaves scars, anger and bitterness. You'll have plenty of that, you don't need more. This is the time to be very adult and philosophical about things. How much do you *really* care about that ELO album? You can get another. Family pictures? get copies.
Negotiate living locations. We ended up living 4 blocks from each other, which is working out very well. My kids go back and forth weekly (we have alternating custody: one week on, one week off) and even during the week just to visit or get stuff. They didn't have to lose any friends, change schools. Do what works for you.
Ask some of your divorced friends what terms they have in their decree. Think carefully about the terms. Maybe hire a counselor to help you come up with terms that make sense and will work, based on their experience. Pick a counselor with a lot of divorce experience, preferably someone who has been divorced with kids themselves. Anything is better than working things out between lawyers.
3- Expect differences in behavior, post-divorce.
This is largely a reflection on the different ways in which men and women seem to react to divorce. I've spoken with a lot of people about divorce and there is this strange but very consistent difference between how men and women react.
Women are, perhaps counter-stereotypically, rational, calm, and matter-of-fact about it. By the time the divorce is over, they are done and ready to move on. They may be sad, but seem to accept the reality and finality of what has happened. They certainly have regrets, but they put them behind and carry on with their lives. They seem to have little/no desire to talk to their ex, no desire to resolve anything, it's just over.
Men tend to have a much harder time. I certainly did. We seem to be left seeking answers, resolution. I want to know *why* what happened happened. I want to examine the minute details of me and my ex's personalities, why and how our marriage fell apart. I desperately want resolution with her, I want to fill the void left by the death of my marriage, the loss of my family. I want her to remain a friend so I don't feel like this was all for absolutely nothing. These feelings may not be rational, but they are very strong. Men tend to get much more depressed than women, even nearly suicidal. This is normal. It sucks, but it will pass, it is normal. Get help, talk to people. Take anti-depressants if it helps. Don't freaking drink.
My ex looks at me and says "what do you want? we're done, what is there to talk about?". I look at her and say "how can you just walk away from a 25-year relationship?".
Try to understand and accomodate the other person, even though we both understand they are, truly, the spawn of Satan. It will pay off for you.
4- Expect yourself and/or your ex to be angry, jealous, crazy.
Ok. I went through a pretty intense crazy period. Immediately after separating, my ex started dating. I nearly lost my mind. I was jealous and angry. It isn't that I didn't want her to date, or thought she would come back, but it was hard to see her just move on without a care in the world, to see her life turning out just dandy, particularly given that her outrageous behavior was the proximate cause of our divorce. Every conversation we had turned into me blaming her. My anger was in full bloom and had largely taken over my life. Even if my accusations were true, those were not useful conversations. The past is past, it can't be changed.
I am not a bad person, I don't think, but I was very difficult to be around for those first few months. Impossible really.
5- Don't expect to understand your ex nor be understood by them.
As mentioned above, my ex' actions during our marriage were fairly egregious. More than fairly. To this day she doesn't really get how bad what she did was. Here's the deal: she never will understand how I feel. My ex will never understand, really understand how badly she hurt me, what it is like for me to feel my entire marriage was a sham (which is not true by the way, just what I feel), the profound, soul-crushing nature of her betrayal and violation of my trust.
And you know what? She can't understand. She will never 'get it', partly because of her own limitations, and partly just because that depth of emotion is not something that can be understood unless experienced.
Similarly, I will never really understand the ways in which I hurt or disappointed her, I don't 'get' my own failures.
I don't understand how my ex could do the incredibly selfish, destructive things she did unless she hated me, and wanted the marriage to end. I never will understand her. Yet, she probably loved me in her own way, at least at some time, and didn't want the marriage to end, despite her actions.
I am sure she sees my failures (which I really don't see, although they are there) in the same way.
It doesn't matter who is at fault, who did what. No one will *really* understand the other. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it's true. There ain't no justice, even in the blame game.
Of everything, this is one of the hardest things for me. I so desperately want my ex to 'get it', to feel my pain, understand me. It isn't going to happen. I had to let go of that hope. We never really understand anyone or their motivations, probably not even our own.
6- Maintain separation, but seek reconciliation.
Certainly at first, try to keep a clean separation between the two of you to reduce conflict. Don't ask for favors, don't expect anything from each other, you are divorced. Don't stop by their house to get stuff. Don't stop by their house unannounced. If you are late getting home and need your dog to be let out, ask a friend or neighbor. Assiduously discharge any obligations you have under your divorce decree. Avoid the appearance of skirting the letter or spirit of your decree.
Having established a clean boundary between you two, eventually try to establish, re-establish or maintain a friendship by maintaining simple, unloaded communication. Avoid heavy discussions. Ask your ex about their job, family. Talk about kids. If you are comfortable, eventually ask them over for supper with kids, if you have them, or a drink on the back patio while you watch kids play. If you feel like it, but only if you really do, do nice stuff for them, just because you want to. Don't do it thinking you'll get them back, make them regret anything, get something in return. If you're still at the get-them-back stage, keep your distance. You may never want to have them as a friend, or they, you, that's ok too.
Identify and avoid the problems of your marriage. In mine, some were: who did the most work (so doing favors was a really bad idea, post-divorce), money (so we never discuss finances), sex (we don't have any real discussions about our new relationships), telling the other person what to do, being unappreciated (so I try to thank her when she does stuff for the kids).
Try to become Zen about the new relationships your ex may now have. I decided I needed to get to know the guy she's dating, as he would be around my kids, so I invited them over for drinks last Sunday. My girlfriend was there too. It was a bit awkward, but it was ok, no one died. We eventually started talking about cars, jobs. My ex and I told funny family stories. It was a bit weird, but ok. You know what? my ex's boyfriend isn't a bad guy. He will probably never become a close friend, but he's ok. We both like beer and have in common that we care about my ex and my kids, not a bad starting point.
7- Try to avoid the common post-divorce dating mistakes
Here are some:
- Retreat into embittered celibacy. If men/women are such assholes/bitches (since your ex is), you never want to see another one. People need people. You need to have fun, do something other than stew over your divorce. If dating is too much, just go out with friends. Don't let the pain of your divorce cut you off from other people.
Nonetheless, there is something to be said for a time of quiet solitude. Being alone is simple and can be very peaceful. It gives you time for stuff you've always wanted to do: run, read, write, brew beer, build a deck, learn Spanish.
- Repeat your past dysfunctional behaviors or expect your new love to repeat those of your ex. I find myself trying to 'protect' my girlfriend from things that would (unreasonably) have made my ex angry. That is crazy. My girlfriend is not my ex. Her issues are different, and if they weren't I probably shouldn't be with her. I am also trying to learn from the pain of my failed marriage: what did I do that really was bad? How can I be a better, happier person, parent, partner. It's hard because at least some of that is deeply ingrained. It is also hard to admit that my ex, the spawn of Satan, may have anything useful or true to say about me. I am nonetheless hopeful, it's a chance to change myself.
- Get into a serious relationship with the first person you date. I did that. It isn't that it is so bad, in many ways she is wonderful and the best thing that could have happened to me. Nonetheless, I find myself having second thoughts about whether I want to be committed, obligated so quickly. A serious relationship takes time away from your other friends, hobbies, exercise, quiet alone time. I am not really free to spontaneously go out with friends, especially if one or more friends are women. That's just the way things are. Also, the likelyhood of this relationship surviving your crazy period is low, so spare that other nice person the drama you will drag them through.
Notwithstanding the above, for many of us (me), a serious committed relationship is in fact exactly what we need at the time. The sense of loss, void and despair we feel can only be met by a serious, emotionally intimate relationship. If so, do it, enjoy it, but be honest and truthful with the person you date, let them decide if they want to stay with the nut-case you will inevitably be during your break-in phase.
- Date like a crazy person. That isn't bad unless taken to extremes or you have kids living with you: a different person ever other night, sleeping with everything that moves and has the requisiste body parts. A friend of mine dated 80 women (that he remembers) in one year. Do the math. Interestingly, he reported it as very unsatisfying. Think of your kids, your duty to care for them and show them responsible behavior, what you want them to do when they are 20. if you find yourself blowing off your kids for the person you are dating or want to date, you have a problem. Stop it. There are also issues of STDs, pregnancy, and the emotional distress you may be putting the other person through if they think it is more than just a short fling.
If you don't have kids, you are careful and honest, and it fills a need of yours, go ahead. Relive that youth you may miss or have never had. Dating people is how you'll figure out what you really want (or not) in life and a potential partner.
8-Give time time
Here's the bottom line: you're going to be 'crazy' for a while, probably a year or more. Longer the longer you were married, the more difficult your divorce was, and if you are a guy.
My really crazy period (depression, anger, insomnia) seems to be over, but I've resigned myself to being at least slightly unbalanced for a good couple years. I still have a year to go, ok 18 months. It's ok, I'll get better eventually. Think of it as a really, really long cold.
Your kids will probably get over it much faster than you will. As long as you both make an effort to be good to them and to each other, their lives will not suck and they will adapt.
Your world as you knew it ended, but there is a whole new world out there. Be patient.
I hate being patient.
I have chosen to maintain in fairly close contact, geographically and otherwise, with my ex. This is not the choice most people make.
I was motivated by seeing guy friends of mine whose ex' cheated on them. They just picked up, told their ex' to have a nice life and left. Both of them are bitter and angry to this day, 10 years later. They were never able to let go of those feelings. It's as though their feelings are frozen as the way they were when they left, there was no resolution.
Wishing to avoid that, to allow the kids to have as normal a life as possible, and to salvage as much of the love and friendship which did in fact characterize much of my marriage, I made the choice I did.
I don't yet know if remaining close my ex was right or not, time will tell. I sometimes wish I had just taken the kids, gotten full custody, made her give me child support. I would have gotten a certain amount of satisfaction from that. On the other hand, I don't want to be the angry-ex, I don't want to hold onto my anger, allowing it to eat at me. I want to be forgiving and kind, because that is who I want to be, not because she deserves anything.
Here's the deal: divorce sucks. It is traumatic and painful; it will mark your life like almost no other event I can think of. These are my thoughts on how to minimize that trauma.
1- Talk to people, stay busy
One thing I am confident in saying is you should talk to a lot of people about what you are going/went through, preferably people who have been divorced. They can provide you with useful advice, insight and support. Lean on your friends, family, colleagues, professional counselors, anyone who has been through a divorce, knows you, or has reason to know what they are talking about. It doesn't matter if you find yourself saying the same thing over and over. If they are good friends, or paid professionals ;-), they will listen. Do it.
Stay busy. Resume your hobbies or pick up new ones, exercise, read/write, build stuff, work hard.
I found there are several things that really help me deal with divorce depression: exercise, not drinking too much (or even at all, I find it accentuates depression the next day) eating and sleeping right, writing and interacting with friends. Oh yeah, and my girlfriend, my "human Prozac". There is nothing like the feeling of being loved, really loved. Friends are good for that too.
2- Pre-negotiate the terms of your divorce
If possible, pre-negotiate the terms of your divorce. Agree with your spouse on the division of property, money, children, pets. My spouse and I knew exactly how we wanted our divorce to read. I hired a lawyer and told her to write up our decree with those terms. Any changes my lawyer suggested were discussed with my spouse. Keep everything clear and transparent. Decide up front to care about as little possible, only the stuff that really matters. Pick your battles very, very carefully You have two motivations to do this: money and emotional trauma.
Even my completely uncontested "just write it up" divorce cost $4000. A friend who went through a collaborative process paid about $20,000. I can't imagine a contested or ugly divorce. Every item requiring lawyers to negotiate will cost you hundreds or thousands of dollars. All that money you worked so hard to save will vanish. Unless you have no kids and little/no joint property, I would still recommend getting a lawyer involved, just because they know what kinds of things should go into a decree.
Your second motivation is emotional trauma. You thought arguing while you were married sucked? It's worse during a divorce. Everything fought over leaves scars, anger and bitterness. You'll have plenty of that, you don't need more. This is the time to be very adult and philosophical about things. How much do you *really* care about that ELO album? You can get another. Family pictures? get copies.
Negotiate living locations. We ended up living 4 blocks from each other, which is working out very well. My kids go back and forth weekly (we have alternating custody: one week on, one week off) and even during the week just to visit or get stuff. They didn't have to lose any friends, change schools. Do what works for you.
Ask some of your divorced friends what terms they have in their decree. Think carefully about the terms. Maybe hire a counselor to help you come up with terms that make sense and will work, based on their experience. Pick a counselor with a lot of divorce experience, preferably someone who has been divorced with kids themselves. Anything is better than working things out between lawyers.
3- Expect differences in behavior, post-divorce.
This is largely a reflection on the different ways in which men and women seem to react to divorce. I've spoken with a lot of people about divorce and there is this strange but very consistent difference between how men and women react.
Women are, perhaps counter-stereotypically, rational, calm, and matter-of-fact about it. By the time the divorce is over, they are done and ready to move on. They may be sad, but seem to accept the reality and finality of what has happened. They certainly have regrets, but they put them behind and carry on with their lives. They seem to have little/no desire to talk to their ex, no desire to resolve anything, it's just over.
Men tend to have a much harder time. I certainly did. We seem to be left seeking answers, resolution. I want to know *why* what happened happened. I want to examine the minute details of me and my ex's personalities, why and how our marriage fell apart. I desperately want resolution with her, I want to fill the void left by the death of my marriage, the loss of my family. I want her to remain a friend so I don't feel like this was all for absolutely nothing. These feelings may not be rational, but they are very strong. Men tend to get much more depressed than women, even nearly suicidal. This is normal. It sucks, but it will pass, it is normal. Get help, talk to people. Take anti-depressants if it helps. Don't freaking drink.
My ex looks at me and says "what do you want? we're done, what is there to talk about?". I look at her and say "how can you just walk away from a 25-year relationship?".
Try to understand and accomodate the other person, even though we both understand they are, truly, the spawn of Satan. It will pay off for you.
4- Expect yourself and/or your ex to be angry, jealous, crazy.
Ok. I went through a pretty intense crazy period. Immediately after separating, my ex started dating. I nearly lost my mind. I was jealous and angry. It isn't that I didn't want her to date, or thought she would come back, but it was hard to see her just move on without a care in the world, to see her life turning out just dandy, particularly given that her outrageous behavior was the proximate cause of our divorce. Every conversation we had turned into me blaming her. My anger was in full bloom and had largely taken over my life. Even if my accusations were true, those were not useful conversations. The past is past, it can't be changed.
I am not a bad person, I don't think, but I was very difficult to be around for those first few months. Impossible really.
5- Don't expect to understand your ex nor be understood by them.
As mentioned above, my ex' actions during our marriage were fairly egregious. More than fairly. To this day she doesn't really get how bad what she did was. Here's the deal: she never will understand how I feel. My ex will never understand, really understand how badly she hurt me, what it is like for me to feel my entire marriage was a sham (which is not true by the way, just what I feel), the profound, soul-crushing nature of her betrayal and violation of my trust.
And you know what? She can't understand. She will never 'get it', partly because of her own limitations, and partly just because that depth of emotion is not something that can be understood unless experienced.
Similarly, I will never really understand the ways in which I hurt or disappointed her, I don't 'get' my own failures.
I don't understand how my ex could do the incredibly selfish, destructive things she did unless she hated me, and wanted the marriage to end. I never will understand her. Yet, she probably loved me in her own way, at least at some time, and didn't want the marriage to end, despite her actions.
I am sure she sees my failures (which I really don't see, although they are there) in the same way.
It doesn't matter who is at fault, who did what. No one will *really* understand the other. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it's true. There ain't no justice, even in the blame game.
Of everything, this is one of the hardest things for me. I so desperately want my ex to 'get it', to feel my pain, understand me. It isn't going to happen. I had to let go of that hope. We never really understand anyone or their motivations, probably not even our own.
6- Maintain separation, but seek reconciliation.
Certainly at first, try to keep a clean separation between the two of you to reduce conflict. Don't ask for favors, don't expect anything from each other, you are divorced. Don't stop by their house to get stuff. Don't stop by their house unannounced. If you are late getting home and need your dog to be let out, ask a friend or neighbor. Assiduously discharge any obligations you have under your divorce decree. Avoid the appearance of skirting the letter or spirit of your decree.
Having established a clean boundary between you two, eventually try to establish, re-establish or maintain a friendship by maintaining simple, unloaded communication. Avoid heavy discussions. Ask your ex about their job, family. Talk about kids. If you are comfortable, eventually ask them over for supper with kids, if you have them, or a drink on the back patio while you watch kids play. If you feel like it, but only if you really do, do nice stuff for them, just because you want to. Don't do it thinking you'll get them back, make them regret anything, get something in return. If you're still at the get-them-back stage, keep your distance. You may never want to have them as a friend, or they, you, that's ok too.
Identify and avoid the problems of your marriage. In mine, some were: who did the most work (so doing favors was a really bad idea, post-divorce), money (so we never discuss finances), sex (we don't have any real discussions about our new relationships), telling the other person what to do, being unappreciated (so I try to thank her when she does stuff for the kids).
Try to become Zen about the new relationships your ex may now have. I decided I needed to get to know the guy she's dating, as he would be around my kids, so I invited them over for drinks last Sunday. My girlfriend was there too. It was a bit awkward, but it was ok, no one died. We eventually started talking about cars, jobs. My ex and I told funny family stories. It was a bit weird, but ok. You know what? my ex's boyfriend isn't a bad guy. He will probably never become a close friend, but he's ok. We both like beer and have in common that we care about my ex and my kids, not a bad starting point.
7- Try to avoid the common post-divorce dating mistakes
Here are some:
- Retreat into embittered celibacy. If men/women are such assholes/bitches (since your ex is), you never want to see another one. People need people. You need to have fun, do something other than stew over your divorce. If dating is too much, just go out with friends. Don't let the pain of your divorce cut you off from other people.
Nonetheless, there is something to be said for a time of quiet solitude. Being alone is simple and can be very peaceful. It gives you time for stuff you've always wanted to do: run, read, write, brew beer, build a deck, learn Spanish.
- Repeat your past dysfunctional behaviors or expect your new love to repeat those of your ex. I find myself trying to 'protect' my girlfriend from things that would (unreasonably) have made my ex angry. That is crazy. My girlfriend is not my ex. Her issues are different, and if they weren't I probably shouldn't be with her. I am also trying to learn from the pain of my failed marriage: what did I do that really was bad? How can I be a better, happier person, parent, partner. It's hard because at least some of that is deeply ingrained. It is also hard to admit that my ex, the spawn of Satan, may have anything useful or true to say about me. I am nonetheless hopeful, it's a chance to change myself.
- Get into a serious relationship with the first person you date. I did that. It isn't that it is so bad, in many ways she is wonderful and the best thing that could have happened to me. Nonetheless, I find myself having second thoughts about whether I want to be committed, obligated so quickly. A serious relationship takes time away from your other friends, hobbies, exercise, quiet alone time. I am not really free to spontaneously go out with friends, especially if one or more friends are women. That's just the way things are. Also, the likelyhood of this relationship surviving your crazy period is low, so spare that other nice person the drama you will drag them through.
Notwithstanding the above, for many of us (me), a serious committed relationship is in fact exactly what we need at the time. The sense of loss, void and despair we feel can only be met by a serious, emotionally intimate relationship. If so, do it, enjoy it, but be honest and truthful with the person you date, let them decide if they want to stay with the nut-case you will inevitably be during your break-in phase.
- Date like a crazy person. That isn't bad unless taken to extremes or you have kids living with you: a different person ever other night, sleeping with everything that moves and has the requisiste body parts. A friend of mine dated 80 women (that he remembers) in one year. Do the math. Interestingly, he reported it as very unsatisfying. Think of your kids, your duty to care for them and show them responsible behavior, what you want them to do when they are 20. if you find yourself blowing off your kids for the person you are dating or want to date, you have a problem. Stop it. There are also issues of STDs, pregnancy, and the emotional distress you may be putting the other person through if they think it is more than just a short fling.
If you don't have kids, you are careful and honest, and it fills a need of yours, go ahead. Relive that youth you may miss or have never had. Dating people is how you'll figure out what you really want (or not) in life and a potential partner.
8-Give time time
Here's the bottom line: you're going to be 'crazy' for a while, probably a year or more. Longer the longer you were married, the more difficult your divorce was, and if you are a guy.
My really crazy period (depression, anger, insomnia) seems to be over, but I've resigned myself to being at least slightly unbalanced for a good couple years. I still have a year to go, ok 18 months. It's ok, I'll get better eventually. Think of it as a really, really long cold.
Your kids will probably get over it much faster than you will. As long as you both make an effort to be good to them and to each other, their lives will not suck and they will adapt.
Your world as you knew it ended, but there is a whole new world out there. Be patient.
I hate being patient.
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