I have been in a romantic relationship for over a year now. As with all such things, the initial rush is replaced by the more quotidian reality of living, sleeping and sharing life with another person who, like all of us, is damaged and broken in significant ways, even as my flaws and deficiencies become obvious.
My girlfriend is about as good as they get: she is kind, loving, patient, hard-working. She loves my kids and me to a fault. She is as domestic and family-oriented as I am, and a great, really great mother. We have a lot of fun together. She is fully committed to the process of working through issues in our relationship. For reasons I fail to fully comprehend, she thinks I am the hottest guy to grace the planet with footsteps. She is also sometimes insecure, possessive, jealous, co-dependent, judgmental and a nicotine addict, all of which she is working on, striving mightily to overcome. She is very much in love with me and wants nothing more than to spend every moment with me, which can be both good and bad.
I have questions to answer:
- Am I ready to commit the time and effort required to manage, negotiate, compromise, forge into existence a mutually fulfilling relationship? (It is never free)
- Am I willing to expose myself to the risk of a fully committed relationship? If I disappoint my partner, fail to deliver what she expects of me, will she settle for using me as a means to an end, as my ex-wife did? What if she deeply disappoints me?
- Am I willing to once again subsume my individuality to the group-mind of 'married' life? effectively giving up any independent life, friends, interests? (or how much of those am I willing to trade in exchange for the good stuff of a relationship).
As important as those questions are, the question I find myself pondering most is what determines the amount of effort required to make a relationship work and the ultimate quality of the end result.
Are relationships always gruelingly hard? Is the effort required to make them work, the risk of being used, the extinction of one's independence determined by the individuals involved or the practical realities of their relationship?
Let's say, just for example, that a man and woman have an amazingly open, honest, profoundly (emotionally) intimate friendship, is it because:
A- These two people are well "matched", with "compatible" temperaments, interests, communication styles, values, humor, and backgrounds. They somehow establish and maintain an open, honest, healthy mode of interaction, through unwavering honesty, strong sense of self, devotion to Rule #1 ("Be happy") and to each other.
Or is it because:
B- They aren't *actually* dating. They aren't sleeping together, raising kids together, wrestling over money and house chores, dealing with raised toilet seats and moldy coffee cups, trying to figure out the balance between togetherness and independence, thereby simply avoiding the complications of a romantic relationship (jealousy, power struggle and simple stress). In other words, is friendship simply so very much easier than a full-on romantic/living relationship? If so, one must chose: a wonderfully open, intimate relationship OR a romantic one.
Option A is the romantic, optimistic (or is it delusional?) view: you only have to find a suitable match and establish/maintain a healthy, open, free relationship. Option B is the pessimistic, jaded (or is it realistic?) view: we are all interchangeable, the things that determine the nature of a relationship are its objective specifications (kids, money, sex).
As I ponder my life and what to do in the next few months, I think it really comes down to this question: "What to I believe?". I think we all want to believe in option 'A', I certainly do. Perhaps the raw leap of faith of believing in 'A', is what makes us human, and life worth living.
Or does the eternal optimism of 'A', however irresistibly attractive, merely expose us as us silly and irrational, never learning from experience, condemned to repeat the same mistake over and over in futile pursuit of what can never be, hurting ourselves and everyone else because we aren't willing to 'settle' for the world we *actually* live in?
When I figure it out, I'll have a better idea of what I should do.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Vegas, baby!
Over the three-day Valentine's Day/President's Day weekend in mid-February, my girlfriend and I went to Las Vegas, NV.
The most succinct description of Las Vegas I can conjure up is: New York City meets Disney Land meets a strip club/brothel.
It had the busyness, grittiness, rudeness, noise and crowds of a big city. It had artificially-fantastic themed hotels, the ersatz miniature worlds of a theme park. And it had sex. As other cities might have music, food, museums, art galleries, Las Vegas has sex. In Vegas, sex isn't an act of passion between two people, an expression of love or lust, it is just, only, merely, exclusively business. Sex in Vegas is a commodity like sugar or pork bellies. The most prominent display came in the form of gauntlets of men and women standing on the street, all hispanic, heavily bundled against the cold, forcefully handing out baseball-like cards featuring nude women. As you walked by, they would make their cards click or slap a card against the deck, and shove one in your direction. They would hand out cards to men and women alike. A phone number on the cards and emblazoned on T-shirts they wore could be called and a girl was "guaranteed" to be to your room within 20 minutes. Kind of like Domino's Pizza I guess, but different. In the vicinity of these gauntlets, the street was heavily littered with cards, thousands of miniature nude bodies laying out in the cold winter sun, like some kind of nudist beach for paper people.
Then there was the gambling, every hotel had ground floors with hundreds upon hundreds of slot machines, blackjack and poker tables, roulette and Keno. The noise, smell, lights were an assault on the senses. Smoking is allowed almost everywhere, and a thin haze filled the air.
In the morning, coming down for breakfast, we walked past bleary-eyed middle-aged women from Des Moines and Butte, still awake from the night before, still feeding the slot machines.
Interestingly, there was nowhere to sit. No outdoor benches, no chairs (except at slot machines), no couches in lobbies. I guess sitting doesn't make money, so isn't allowed.
There were also shows, lots and lots of shows. We went to see a (not-so-funny) comedy show, but also Cirque du Soleil's "Mystere", and David Copperfield, both of which were great. We saw a huge collection of antique cars.
We ate at several good buffets. I think I gained five pounds.
Drinks in Vegas are expensive, small, and watered-down. Stick to beer or wine.
We didn't really do that much, other than see our shows. We mostly just walked, mile upon mile, through all the big hotel lobbies, past the dancing fountains, and fake outdoor cafes, pirate ships, Venetian canals. We played a few slots, but never had (took) the time to play blackjack or other games we had planned to play. We were hilariously middle-aged, collapsing exhausted on the bed whenever we got back to the room.
All in all, it was an interesting trip. Vegas is a very strange, surreal place, yet it is part of this country, every bit as real as my town, my job, the rows upon rows of suburban houses of my neighborhood.
The most succinct description of Las Vegas I can conjure up is: New York City meets Disney Land meets a strip club/brothel.
It had the busyness, grittiness, rudeness, noise and crowds of a big city. It had artificially-fantastic themed hotels, the ersatz miniature worlds of a theme park. And it had sex. As other cities might have music, food, museums, art galleries, Las Vegas has sex. In Vegas, sex isn't an act of passion between two people, an expression of love or lust, it is just, only, merely, exclusively business. Sex in Vegas is a commodity like sugar or pork bellies. The most prominent display came in the form of gauntlets of men and women standing on the street, all hispanic, heavily bundled against the cold, forcefully handing out baseball-like cards featuring nude women. As you walked by, they would make their cards click or slap a card against the deck, and shove one in your direction. They would hand out cards to men and women alike. A phone number on the cards and emblazoned on T-shirts they wore could be called and a girl was "guaranteed" to be to your room within 20 minutes. Kind of like Domino's Pizza I guess, but different. In the vicinity of these gauntlets, the street was heavily littered with cards, thousands of miniature nude bodies laying out in the cold winter sun, like some kind of nudist beach for paper people.
Then there was the gambling, every hotel had ground floors with hundreds upon hundreds of slot machines, blackjack and poker tables, roulette and Keno. The noise, smell, lights were an assault on the senses. Smoking is allowed almost everywhere, and a thin haze filled the air.
In the morning, coming down for breakfast, we walked past bleary-eyed middle-aged women from Des Moines and Butte, still awake from the night before, still feeding the slot machines.
Interestingly, there was nowhere to sit. No outdoor benches, no chairs (except at slot machines), no couches in lobbies. I guess sitting doesn't make money, so isn't allowed.
There were also shows, lots and lots of shows. We went to see a (not-so-funny) comedy show, but also Cirque du Soleil's "Mystere", and David Copperfield, both of which were great. We saw a huge collection of antique cars.
We ate at several good buffets. I think I gained five pounds.
Drinks in Vegas are expensive, small, and watered-down. Stick to beer or wine.
We didn't really do that much, other than see our shows. We mostly just walked, mile upon mile, through all the big hotel lobbies, past the dancing fountains, and fake outdoor cafes, pirate ships, Venetian canals. We played a few slots, but never had (took) the time to play blackjack or other games we had planned to play. We were hilariously middle-aged, collapsing exhausted on the bed whenever we got back to the room.
All in all, it was an interesting trip. Vegas is a very strange, surreal place, yet it is part of this country, every bit as real as my town, my job, the rows upon rows of suburban houses of my neighborhood.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Forgiveness
I get it!!!
I finally think I understand what 'forgiveness' is: the definition of the word, or at least a definition, my definition.
When in the throes of the pain and rage resulting from my divorce and the events leading up to it, I remember wondering what in the world 'forgiveness' was. My world was so full of pain/anger, it blinded me. It was all I saw, no matter where I looked. My life was pain and anger. I couldn't imagine a world where it didn't consume me, where I could go 20 seconds without thinking about what happened, the injustice of it all.
As of fairly recently, that is no longer really the case... mostly. I feel I've turned a corner of sorts, something in my my mind clicked. The usual disclaimer applies: these are merely my reflections on my own experience and state of mind. I believe these to be true about me. I have no idea how universally they may or not apply to anyone else. This is true despite my use of didactic language, such as the use of the pronoun "you". I don't intend to sound pompous, it just comes naturally ;-)
What forgiveness is NOT:
'Forgiveness' has almost nothing to do with the person who wronged you. In that sense you aren't really forgiving them, it has little to do with them. "Forgiving someone" is misleading. It actually has nothing to do with anyone but you and your own state of mind.
I have not forgotten what happened, not one bit. If I think, I can recall the surreal moment in which I found out my entire marriage had been an elaborate hoax (a view I held, then distanced myself from, but am now coming back to to some degree). The reality of what happened is still clear in my mind, the incomprehensible, bewildering pain of my wife's extensive infidelity is no less real.
I also now see, in a way I didn't a few weeks ago, my ex' infidelity for the profoundly immoral, selfish, reckless, even evil action it was. Her use of so many close relationships of hers and mine to enable and cover up her shallow pursuit of happiness is despicable and wrong beyond words. I use such strong language to make a point: what was done to me and people I love is NOT ok, not even close. But forgiveness does not require that.
So what happened?
Through what mechanism have I achieved some measure of 'forgiveness'?
Also what does forgiveness mean if not that I have either partially forgotten the pain, seen its reality diminished, or downgraded the wrong done, 'gained perspective' on it to see that it wasn't that bad?
What forgiveness IS (my definition):
In a word, forgiveness is healing. Forgiveness is stopping caring (so much) about what happened. That's all.
To clarify and reiterate, I don't mean that forgiveness leads to healing, but that healing from the pain, the very fact that you can move past the pain IS forgiveness, a synonym for it. Being able to go a day without really thinking about the wrong done you... THAT is forgiveness.
Here's an SAT-inspired analogy: Forgiveness is to healing as losing weight is to becoming thin. They are the same thing. To say "you need to forgive to move on" is saying "you need to lose weight to become thin".
Three basic things have allowed me to begin to forgive, i.e. to partially get past the pain:
- Time.
- Revisiting/reexamining the wrong.
- Being free to be who I wish to be.
Time:
I said I hadn't forgotten. That's true, but time has given me some distance from the event, some perspective. By "perspective" I mean the pain is still there, but it is not this world-shattering, blinding bolt of pain/rage it once was. I can now see the world around me, I understand that this horrible thing is just part of my life. A very painful part. I will live on, I have an existence outside of the pain.
Revisiting the past:
I don't know if this will work for you, but I talked, thought and wrote incessantly about my life, divorce, thoughts, anger and pain. I constantly revisited what happened and why, for months. I still do, as you can see. I did it until I was exhausted, too tired to feel much of anything when I thought/talked/wrote about what happened. I used up a lot of the anger and pain of the event in words. Sometimes it seemed like I was just getting myself wound up over stuff that couldn't change because it lives in the past. Perhaps I was, but eventually even that stopped working at getting me very wound up. Yes what my wife did was bad, yes I was betrayed, what am I going to fix the kids for supper?
Being me:
As previously stated, 'forgiveness' means only that I am able to move past having been wronged, resume my life, and be who I want to be. That last bit is important. I now feel free to be me. Part of 'me' is new, part of me is who I was all along, but had been suppressed by a bad marriage and the pain of its end.
A part of me I have intentionally encouraged to flourish is a spirit of reconciliation, generosity and kindness, tempered by a clear definition of boundaries. I am choosing to extend to my ex kindness and generosity she has done nothing to deserve. She deserves only contempt, anger and spite, which I am free to show her, if that is what I want.
Yet I have very deliberately tried to re-establish a friendship with my ex-wife. I try to do nice things for her: bring her leftovers if she wants them, ask about her mental and physical health, her job, talk about the kids, offer to split certain expenses. I make time to speak to her when she needs to talk, I am polite and friendly. I have accepted her boyfriend and their relationship, even though it was not the easiest thing to do.
I am doing these things with the clear understanding that I expect nothing in return. I am not trying to change her, make her regret anything, help her see the light of how she should live. I frankly doubt she is capable of deep change, but would love to be proved wrong. I am not even doing these things as favors for her. I am doing these things for me, because that is who I want to be. If the above seems like I am painting too good a picture of myself, it is partially true. That wonderful, kind person is who I want to be, not necessarily who I always naturally am.
The point is that I feel free to be that person or his angry twin. I can do anything I want, be anyone I want. Lest you think me some altruistic angel, please believe me that I am this nice person for completely selfish motives.
First, it makes me like myself. I love thinking of myself as that nice guy. That's easier when I actually am nice. I love liking who I see in the mirror, even if he is just a bit of a poser.
Secondly, and much more importantly I find it almost impossible to really be angry with my ex when I am nice and friendly, gentle and giving of myself. Even just talking to my ex reminds me of the 25-year friendship we had, and the unbreakable bond of family we still have.
The anger that was eating at me like a rat was blocking me, preventing me from moving on, from healing. Being nice, "forgiving" in the commonly-used sense of the word, has defanged the rat. The rat will gum me at times, but then I just pick up the phone, call my ex and ask her if she wants some leftover Frito-pie, and I'm happy. The rat goes back in his hole.
I am conscious that in being nice to someone who hurt me so badly, I am worsening the fundamental injustice of the universe. She deserves the worst, but instead of doing my share to even the balance of pain, I am making the unbalance worse. I don't care. It isn't my job to make the universe fair, I need to look out for myself, I need to do this.
I'm being somewhat sarcastic, dramatic, perhaps funny in what I said about fairness. It is in fact often difficult, sometimes very difficult for me to see my ex suffer few obvious consequences for her choices. The truth is I often desperately want her to feel every shred of pain she inflicted on me and mine. Unfortunately, any act of revenge would be a Pyrrhic victory, hurting me more than her. The universe has a twisted sense of humor that way. Take the above paragraph as a statement of how I want to think. Still working on it.
Perhaps what I have discovered has a spark of universality to it: in order to 'forgive' (move on), you have to get over your anger. Maybe the only way to do that is to extend to the offending party unearned and undeserved grace, kindness and generosity. Maybe that behavior toward others is observed, and called "forgiving others", even though it has nothing to do with them and is completely selfishly motivated.
I finally think I understand what 'forgiveness' is: the definition of the word, or at least a definition, my definition.
When in the throes of the pain and rage resulting from my divorce and the events leading up to it, I remember wondering what in the world 'forgiveness' was. My world was so full of pain/anger, it blinded me. It was all I saw, no matter where I looked. My life was pain and anger. I couldn't imagine a world where it didn't consume me, where I could go 20 seconds without thinking about what happened, the injustice of it all.
As of fairly recently, that is no longer really the case... mostly. I feel I've turned a corner of sorts, something in my my mind clicked. The usual disclaimer applies: these are merely my reflections on my own experience and state of mind. I believe these to be true about me. I have no idea how universally they may or not apply to anyone else. This is true despite my use of didactic language, such as the use of the pronoun "you". I don't intend to sound pompous, it just comes naturally ;-)
What forgiveness is NOT:
'Forgiveness' has almost nothing to do with the person who wronged you. In that sense you aren't really forgiving them, it has little to do with them. "Forgiving someone" is misleading. It actually has nothing to do with anyone but you and your own state of mind.
I have not forgotten what happened, not one bit. If I think, I can recall the surreal moment in which I found out my entire marriage had been an elaborate hoax (a view I held, then distanced myself from, but am now coming back to to some degree). The reality of what happened is still clear in my mind, the incomprehensible, bewildering pain of my wife's extensive infidelity is no less real.
I also now see, in a way I didn't a few weeks ago, my ex' infidelity for the profoundly immoral, selfish, reckless, even evil action it was. Her use of so many close relationships of hers and mine to enable and cover up her shallow pursuit of happiness is despicable and wrong beyond words. I use such strong language to make a point: what was done to me and people I love is NOT ok, not even close. But forgiveness does not require that.
So what happened?
Through what mechanism have I achieved some measure of 'forgiveness'?
Also what does forgiveness mean if not that I have either partially forgotten the pain, seen its reality diminished, or downgraded the wrong done, 'gained perspective' on it to see that it wasn't that bad?
What forgiveness IS (my definition):
In a word, forgiveness is healing. Forgiveness is stopping caring (so much) about what happened. That's all.
To clarify and reiterate, I don't mean that forgiveness leads to healing, but that healing from the pain, the very fact that you can move past the pain IS forgiveness, a synonym for it. Being able to go a day without really thinking about the wrong done you... THAT is forgiveness.
Here's an SAT-inspired analogy: Forgiveness is to healing as losing weight is to becoming thin. They are the same thing. To say "you need to forgive to move on" is saying "you need to lose weight to become thin".
Three basic things have allowed me to begin to forgive, i.e. to partially get past the pain:
- Time.
- Revisiting/reexamining the wrong.
- Being free to be who I wish to be.
Time:
I said I hadn't forgotten. That's true, but time has given me some distance from the event, some perspective. By "perspective" I mean the pain is still there, but it is not this world-shattering, blinding bolt of pain/rage it once was. I can now see the world around me, I understand that this horrible thing is just part of my life. A very painful part. I will live on, I have an existence outside of the pain.
Revisiting the past:
I don't know if this will work for you, but I talked, thought and wrote incessantly about my life, divorce, thoughts, anger and pain. I constantly revisited what happened and why, for months. I still do, as you can see. I did it until I was exhausted, too tired to feel much of anything when I thought/talked/wrote about what happened. I used up a lot of the anger and pain of the event in words. Sometimes it seemed like I was just getting myself wound up over stuff that couldn't change because it lives in the past. Perhaps I was, but eventually even that stopped working at getting me very wound up. Yes what my wife did was bad, yes I was betrayed, what am I going to fix the kids for supper?
Being me:
As previously stated, 'forgiveness' means only that I am able to move past having been wronged, resume my life, and be who I want to be. That last bit is important. I now feel free to be me. Part of 'me' is new, part of me is who I was all along, but had been suppressed by a bad marriage and the pain of its end.
A part of me I have intentionally encouraged to flourish is a spirit of reconciliation, generosity and kindness, tempered by a clear definition of boundaries. I am choosing to extend to my ex kindness and generosity she has done nothing to deserve. She deserves only contempt, anger and spite, which I am free to show her, if that is what I want.
Yet I have very deliberately tried to re-establish a friendship with my ex-wife. I try to do nice things for her: bring her leftovers if she wants them, ask about her mental and physical health, her job, talk about the kids, offer to split certain expenses. I make time to speak to her when she needs to talk, I am polite and friendly. I have accepted her boyfriend and their relationship, even though it was not the easiest thing to do.
I am doing these things with the clear understanding that I expect nothing in return. I am not trying to change her, make her regret anything, help her see the light of how she should live. I frankly doubt she is capable of deep change, but would love to be proved wrong. I am not even doing these things as favors for her. I am doing these things for me, because that is who I want to be. If the above seems like I am painting too good a picture of myself, it is partially true. That wonderful, kind person is who I want to be, not necessarily who I always naturally am.
The point is that I feel free to be that person or his angry twin. I can do anything I want, be anyone I want. Lest you think me some altruistic angel, please believe me that I am this nice person for completely selfish motives.
First, it makes me like myself. I love thinking of myself as that nice guy. That's easier when I actually am nice. I love liking who I see in the mirror, even if he is just a bit of a poser.
Secondly, and much more importantly I find it almost impossible to really be angry with my ex when I am nice and friendly, gentle and giving of myself. Even just talking to my ex reminds me of the 25-year friendship we had, and the unbreakable bond of family we still have.
The anger that was eating at me like a rat was blocking me, preventing me from moving on, from healing. Being nice, "forgiving" in the commonly-used sense of the word, has defanged the rat. The rat will gum me at times, but then I just pick up the phone, call my ex and ask her if she wants some leftover Frito-pie, and I'm happy. The rat goes back in his hole.
I am conscious that in being nice to someone who hurt me so badly, I am worsening the fundamental injustice of the universe. She deserves the worst, but instead of doing my share to even the balance of pain, I am making the unbalance worse. I don't care. It isn't my job to make the universe fair, I need to look out for myself, I need to do this.
I'm being somewhat sarcastic, dramatic, perhaps funny in what I said about fairness. It is in fact often difficult, sometimes very difficult for me to see my ex suffer few obvious consequences for her choices. The truth is I often desperately want her to feel every shred of pain she inflicted on me and mine. Unfortunately, any act of revenge would be a Pyrrhic victory, hurting me more than her. The universe has a twisted sense of humor that way. Take the above paragraph as a statement of how I want to think. Still working on it.
Perhaps what I have discovered has a spark of universality to it: in order to 'forgive' (move on), you have to get over your anger. Maybe the only way to do that is to extend to the offending party unearned and undeserved grace, kindness and generosity. Maybe that behavior toward others is observed, and called "forgiving others", even though it has nothing to do with them and is completely selfishly motivated.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Best Book... Ever
I just want to plug what is, I think, the best book I've ever read:
Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled"
It's rather well known, but I had never read it. My therapist recommended it to me. It's like reading an instruction manual on people. It has had a profound influence, in just the few days I've been reading it, on my view of myself, my choices, my parenting, my ex, my parents, love, marriage.
That's all.
Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled"
It's rather well known, but I had never read it. My therapist recommended it to me. It's like reading an instruction manual on people. It has had a profound influence, in just the few days I've been reading it, on my view of myself, my choices, my parenting, my ex, my parents, love, marriage.
That's all.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Reflections on Divorce
Ok, this may sound like I know what everyone's experience of divorce will be. I don't. These are *really* just my reflections on my experience of my divorce.
I have chosen to maintain in fairly close contact, geographically and otherwise, with my ex. This is not the choice most people make.
I was motivated by seeing guy friends of mine whose ex' cheated on them. They just picked up, told their ex' to have a nice life and left. Both of them are bitter and angry to this day, 10 years later. They were never able to let go of those feelings. It's as though their feelings are frozen as the way they were when they left, there was no resolution.
Wishing to avoid that, to allow the kids to have as normal a life as possible, and to salvage as much of the love and friendship which did in fact characterize much of my marriage, I made the choice I did.
I don't yet know if remaining close my ex was right or not, time will tell. I sometimes wish I had just taken the kids, gotten full custody, made her give me child support. I would have gotten a certain amount of satisfaction from that. On the other hand, I don't want to be the angry-ex, I don't want to hold onto my anger, allowing it to eat at me. I want to be forgiving and kind, because that is who I want to be, not because she deserves anything.
Here's the deal: divorce sucks. It is traumatic and painful; it will mark your life like almost no other event I can think of. These are my thoughts on how to minimize that trauma.
1- Talk to people, stay busy
One thing I am confident in saying is you should talk to a lot of people about what you are going/went through, preferably people who have been divorced. They can provide you with useful advice, insight and support. Lean on your friends, family, colleagues, professional counselors, anyone who has been through a divorce, knows you, or has reason to know what they are talking about. It doesn't matter if you find yourself saying the same thing over and over. If they are good friends, or paid professionals ;-), they will listen. Do it.
Stay busy. Resume your hobbies or pick up new ones, exercise, read/write, build stuff, work hard.
I found there are several things that really help me deal with divorce depression: exercise, not drinking too much (or even at all, I find it accentuates depression the next day) eating and sleeping right, writing and interacting with friends. Oh yeah, and my girlfriend, my "human Prozac". There is nothing like the feeling of being loved, really loved. Friends are good for that too.
2- Pre-negotiate the terms of your divorce
If possible, pre-negotiate the terms of your divorce. Agree with your spouse on the division of property, money, children, pets. My spouse and I knew exactly how we wanted our divorce to read. I hired a lawyer and told her to write up our decree with those terms. Any changes my lawyer suggested were discussed with my spouse. Keep everything clear and transparent. Decide up front to care about as little possible, only the stuff that really matters. Pick your battles very, very carefully You have two motivations to do this: money and emotional trauma.
Even my completely uncontested "just write it up" divorce cost $4000. A friend who went through a collaborative process paid about $20,000. I can't imagine a contested or ugly divorce. Every item requiring lawyers to negotiate will cost you hundreds or thousands of dollars. All that money you worked so hard to save will vanish. Unless you have no kids and little/no joint property, I would still recommend getting a lawyer involved, just because they know what kinds of things should go into a decree.
Your second motivation is emotional trauma. You thought arguing while you were married sucked? It's worse during a divorce. Everything fought over leaves scars, anger and bitterness. You'll have plenty of that, you don't need more. This is the time to be very adult and philosophical about things. How much do you *really* care about that ELO album? You can get another. Family pictures? get copies.
Negotiate living locations. We ended up living 4 blocks from each other, which is working out very well. My kids go back and forth weekly (we have alternating custody: one week on, one week off) and even during the week just to visit or get stuff. They didn't have to lose any friends, change schools. Do what works for you.
Ask some of your divorced friends what terms they have in their decree. Think carefully about the terms. Maybe hire a counselor to help you come up with terms that make sense and will work, based on their experience. Pick a counselor with a lot of divorce experience, preferably someone who has been divorced with kids themselves. Anything is better than working things out between lawyers.
3- Expect differences in behavior, post-divorce.
This is largely a reflection on the different ways in which men and women seem to react to divorce. I've spoken with a lot of people about divorce and there is this strange but very consistent difference between how men and women react.
Women are, perhaps counter-stereotypically, rational, calm, and matter-of-fact about it. By the time the divorce is over, they are done and ready to move on. They may be sad, but seem to accept the reality and finality of what has happened. They certainly have regrets, but they put them behind and carry on with their lives. They seem to have little/no desire to talk to their ex, no desire to resolve anything, it's just over.
Men tend to have a much harder time. I certainly did. We seem to be left seeking answers, resolution. I want to know *why* what happened happened. I want to examine the minute details of me and my ex's personalities, why and how our marriage fell apart. I desperately want resolution with her, I want to fill the void left by the death of my marriage, the loss of my family. I want her to remain a friend so I don't feel like this was all for absolutely nothing. These feelings may not be rational, but they are very strong. Men tend to get much more depressed than women, even nearly suicidal. This is normal. It sucks, but it will pass, it is normal. Get help, talk to people. Take anti-depressants if it helps. Don't freaking drink.
My ex looks at me and says "what do you want? we're done, what is there to talk about?". I look at her and say "how can you just walk away from a 25-year relationship?".
Try to understand and accomodate the other person, even though we both understand they are, truly, the spawn of Satan. It will pay off for you.
4- Expect yourself and/or your ex to be angry, jealous, crazy.
Ok. I went through a pretty intense crazy period. Immediately after separating, my ex started dating. I nearly lost my mind. I was jealous and angry. It isn't that I didn't want her to date, or thought she would come back, but it was hard to see her just move on without a care in the world, to see her life turning out just dandy, particularly given that her outrageous behavior was the proximate cause of our divorce. Every conversation we had turned into me blaming her. My anger was in full bloom and had largely taken over my life. Even if my accusations were true, those were not useful conversations. The past is past, it can't be changed.
I am not a bad person, I don't think, but I was very difficult to be around for those first few months. Impossible really.
5- Don't expect to understand your ex nor be understood by them.
As mentioned above, my ex' actions during our marriage were fairly egregious. More than fairly. To this day she doesn't really get how bad what she did was. Here's the deal: she never will understand how I feel. My ex will never understand, really understand how badly she hurt me, what it is like for me to feel my entire marriage was a sham (which is not true by the way, just what I feel), the profound, soul-crushing nature of her betrayal and violation of my trust.
And you know what? She can't understand. She will never 'get it', partly because of her own limitations, and partly just because that depth of emotion is not something that can be understood unless experienced.
Similarly, I will never really understand the ways in which I hurt or disappointed her, I don't 'get' my own failures.
I don't understand how my ex could do the incredibly selfish, destructive things she did unless she hated me, and wanted the marriage to end. I never will understand her. Yet, she probably loved me in her own way, at least at some time, and didn't want the marriage to end, despite her actions.
I am sure she sees my failures (which I really don't see, although they are there) in the same way.
It doesn't matter who is at fault, who did what. No one will *really* understand the other. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it's true. There ain't no justice, even in the blame game.
Of everything, this is one of the hardest things for me. I so desperately want my ex to 'get it', to feel my pain, understand me. It isn't going to happen. I had to let go of that hope. We never really understand anyone or their motivations, probably not even our own.
6- Maintain separation, but seek reconciliation.
Certainly at first, try to keep a clean separation between the two of you to reduce conflict. Don't ask for favors, don't expect anything from each other, you are divorced. Don't stop by their house to get stuff. Don't stop by their house unannounced. If you are late getting home and need your dog to be let out, ask a friend or neighbor. Assiduously discharge any obligations you have under your divorce decree. Avoid the appearance of skirting the letter or spirit of your decree.
Having established a clean boundary between you two, eventually try to establish, re-establish or maintain a friendship by maintaining simple, unloaded communication. Avoid heavy discussions. Ask your ex about their job, family. Talk about kids. If you are comfortable, eventually ask them over for supper with kids, if you have them, or a drink on the back patio while you watch kids play. If you feel like it, but only if you really do, do nice stuff for them, just because you want to. Don't do it thinking you'll get them back, make them regret anything, get something in return. If you're still at the get-them-back stage, keep your distance. You may never want to have them as a friend, or they, you, that's ok too.
Identify and avoid the problems of your marriage. In mine, some were: who did the most work (so doing favors was a really bad idea, post-divorce), money (so we never discuss finances), sex (we don't have any real discussions about our new relationships), telling the other person what to do, being unappreciated (so I try to thank her when she does stuff for the kids).
Try to become Zen about the new relationships your ex may now have. I decided I needed to get to know the guy she's dating, as he would be around my kids, so I invited them over for drinks last Sunday. My girlfriend was there too. It was a bit awkward, but it was ok, no one died. We eventually started talking about cars, jobs. My ex and I told funny family stories. It was a bit weird, but ok. You know what? my ex's boyfriend isn't a bad guy. He will probably never become a close friend, but he's ok. We both like beer and have in common that we care about my ex and my kids, not a bad starting point.
7- Try to avoid the common post-divorce dating mistakes
Here are some:
- Retreat into embittered celibacy. If men/women are such assholes/bitches (since your ex is), you never want to see another one. People need people. You need to have fun, do something other than stew over your divorce. If dating is too much, just go out with friends. Don't let the pain of your divorce cut you off from other people.
Nonetheless, there is something to be said for a time of quiet solitude. Being alone is simple and can be very peaceful. It gives you time for stuff you've always wanted to do: run, read, write, brew beer, build a deck, learn Spanish.
- Repeat your past dysfunctional behaviors or expect your new love to repeat those of your ex. I find myself trying to 'protect' my girlfriend from things that would (unreasonably) have made my ex angry. That is crazy. My girlfriend is not my ex. Her issues are different, and if they weren't I probably shouldn't be with her. I am also trying to learn from the pain of my failed marriage: what did I do that really was bad? How can I be a better, happier person, parent, partner. It's hard because at least some of that is deeply ingrained. It is also hard to admit that my ex, the spawn of Satan, may have anything useful or true to say about me. I am nonetheless hopeful, it's a chance to change myself.
- Get into a serious relationship with the first person you date. I did that. It isn't that it is so bad, in many ways she is wonderful and the best thing that could have happened to me. Nonetheless, I find myself having second thoughts about whether I want to be committed, obligated so quickly. A serious relationship takes time away from your other friends, hobbies, exercise, quiet alone time. I am not really free to spontaneously go out with friends, especially if one or more friends are women. That's just the way things are. Also, the likelyhood of this relationship surviving your crazy period is low, so spare that other nice person the drama you will drag them through.
Notwithstanding the above, for many of us (me), a serious committed relationship is in fact exactly what we need at the time. The sense of loss, void and despair we feel can only be met by a serious, emotionally intimate relationship. If so, do it, enjoy it, but be honest and truthful with the person you date, let them decide if they want to stay with the nut-case you will inevitably be during your break-in phase.
- Date like a crazy person. That isn't bad unless taken to extremes or you have kids living with you: a different person ever other night, sleeping with everything that moves and has the requisiste body parts. A friend of mine dated 80 women (that he remembers) in one year. Do the math. Interestingly, he reported it as very unsatisfying. Think of your kids, your duty to care for them and show them responsible behavior, what you want them to do when they are 20. if you find yourself blowing off your kids for the person you are dating or want to date, you have a problem. Stop it. There are also issues of STDs, pregnancy, and the emotional distress you may be putting the other person through if they think it is more than just a short fling.
If you don't have kids, you are careful and honest, and it fills a need of yours, go ahead. Relive that youth you may miss or have never had. Dating people is how you'll figure out what you really want (or not) in life and a potential partner.
8-Give time time
Here's the bottom line: you're going to be 'crazy' for a while, probably a year or more. Longer the longer you were married, the more difficult your divorce was, and if you are a guy.
My really crazy period (depression, anger, insomnia) seems to be over, but I've resigned myself to being at least slightly unbalanced for a good couple years. I still have a year to go, ok 18 months. It's ok, I'll get better eventually. Think of it as a really, really long cold.
Your kids will probably get over it much faster than you will. As long as you both make an effort to be good to them and to each other, their lives will not suck and they will adapt.
Your world as you knew it ended, but there is a whole new world out there. Be patient.
I hate being patient.
I have chosen to maintain in fairly close contact, geographically and otherwise, with my ex. This is not the choice most people make.
I was motivated by seeing guy friends of mine whose ex' cheated on them. They just picked up, told their ex' to have a nice life and left. Both of them are bitter and angry to this day, 10 years later. They were never able to let go of those feelings. It's as though their feelings are frozen as the way they were when they left, there was no resolution.
Wishing to avoid that, to allow the kids to have as normal a life as possible, and to salvage as much of the love and friendship which did in fact characterize much of my marriage, I made the choice I did.
I don't yet know if remaining close my ex was right or not, time will tell. I sometimes wish I had just taken the kids, gotten full custody, made her give me child support. I would have gotten a certain amount of satisfaction from that. On the other hand, I don't want to be the angry-ex, I don't want to hold onto my anger, allowing it to eat at me. I want to be forgiving and kind, because that is who I want to be, not because she deserves anything.
Here's the deal: divorce sucks. It is traumatic and painful; it will mark your life like almost no other event I can think of. These are my thoughts on how to minimize that trauma.
1- Talk to people, stay busy
One thing I am confident in saying is you should talk to a lot of people about what you are going/went through, preferably people who have been divorced. They can provide you with useful advice, insight and support. Lean on your friends, family, colleagues, professional counselors, anyone who has been through a divorce, knows you, or has reason to know what they are talking about. It doesn't matter if you find yourself saying the same thing over and over. If they are good friends, or paid professionals ;-), they will listen. Do it.
Stay busy. Resume your hobbies or pick up new ones, exercise, read/write, build stuff, work hard.
I found there are several things that really help me deal with divorce depression: exercise, not drinking too much (or even at all, I find it accentuates depression the next day) eating and sleeping right, writing and interacting with friends. Oh yeah, and my girlfriend, my "human Prozac". There is nothing like the feeling of being loved, really loved. Friends are good for that too.
2- Pre-negotiate the terms of your divorce
If possible, pre-negotiate the terms of your divorce. Agree with your spouse on the division of property, money, children, pets. My spouse and I knew exactly how we wanted our divorce to read. I hired a lawyer and told her to write up our decree with those terms. Any changes my lawyer suggested were discussed with my spouse. Keep everything clear and transparent. Decide up front to care about as little possible, only the stuff that really matters. Pick your battles very, very carefully You have two motivations to do this: money and emotional trauma.
Even my completely uncontested "just write it up" divorce cost $4000. A friend who went through a collaborative process paid about $20,000. I can't imagine a contested or ugly divorce. Every item requiring lawyers to negotiate will cost you hundreds or thousands of dollars. All that money you worked so hard to save will vanish. Unless you have no kids and little/no joint property, I would still recommend getting a lawyer involved, just because they know what kinds of things should go into a decree.
Your second motivation is emotional trauma. You thought arguing while you were married sucked? It's worse during a divorce. Everything fought over leaves scars, anger and bitterness. You'll have plenty of that, you don't need more. This is the time to be very adult and philosophical about things. How much do you *really* care about that ELO album? You can get another. Family pictures? get copies.
Negotiate living locations. We ended up living 4 blocks from each other, which is working out very well. My kids go back and forth weekly (we have alternating custody: one week on, one week off) and even during the week just to visit or get stuff. They didn't have to lose any friends, change schools. Do what works for you.
Ask some of your divorced friends what terms they have in their decree. Think carefully about the terms. Maybe hire a counselor to help you come up with terms that make sense and will work, based on their experience. Pick a counselor with a lot of divorce experience, preferably someone who has been divorced with kids themselves. Anything is better than working things out between lawyers.
3- Expect differences in behavior, post-divorce.
This is largely a reflection on the different ways in which men and women seem to react to divorce. I've spoken with a lot of people about divorce and there is this strange but very consistent difference between how men and women react.
Women are, perhaps counter-stereotypically, rational, calm, and matter-of-fact about it. By the time the divorce is over, they are done and ready to move on. They may be sad, but seem to accept the reality and finality of what has happened. They certainly have regrets, but they put them behind and carry on with their lives. They seem to have little/no desire to talk to their ex, no desire to resolve anything, it's just over.
Men tend to have a much harder time. I certainly did. We seem to be left seeking answers, resolution. I want to know *why* what happened happened. I want to examine the minute details of me and my ex's personalities, why and how our marriage fell apart. I desperately want resolution with her, I want to fill the void left by the death of my marriage, the loss of my family. I want her to remain a friend so I don't feel like this was all for absolutely nothing. These feelings may not be rational, but they are very strong. Men tend to get much more depressed than women, even nearly suicidal. This is normal. It sucks, but it will pass, it is normal. Get help, talk to people. Take anti-depressants if it helps. Don't freaking drink.
My ex looks at me and says "what do you want? we're done, what is there to talk about?". I look at her and say "how can you just walk away from a 25-year relationship?".
Try to understand and accomodate the other person, even though we both understand they are, truly, the spawn of Satan. It will pay off for you.
4- Expect yourself and/or your ex to be angry, jealous, crazy.
Ok. I went through a pretty intense crazy period. Immediately after separating, my ex started dating. I nearly lost my mind. I was jealous and angry. It isn't that I didn't want her to date, or thought she would come back, but it was hard to see her just move on without a care in the world, to see her life turning out just dandy, particularly given that her outrageous behavior was the proximate cause of our divorce. Every conversation we had turned into me blaming her. My anger was in full bloom and had largely taken over my life. Even if my accusations were true, those were not useful conversations. The past is past, it can't be changed.
I am not a bad person, I don't think, but I was very difficult to be around for those first few months. Impossible really.
5- Don't expect to understand your ex nor be understood by them.
As mentioned above, my ex' actions during our marriage were fairly egregious. More than fairly. To this day she doesn't really get how bad what she did was. Here's the deal: she never will understand how I feel. My ex will never understand, really understand how badly she hurt me, what it is like for me to feel my entire marriage was a sham (which is not true by the way, just what I feel), the profound, soul-crushing nature of her betrayal and violation of my trust.
And you know what? She can't understand. She will never 'get it', partly because of her own limitations, and partly just because that depth of emotion is not something that can be understood unless experienced.
Similarly, I will never really understand the ways in which I hurt or disappointed her, I don't 'get' my own failures.
I don't understand how my ex could do the incredibly selfish, destructive things she did unless she hated me, and wanted the marriage to end. I never will understand her. Yet, she probably loved me in her own way, at least at some time, and didn't want the marriage to end, despite her actions.
I am sure she sees my failures (which I really don't see, although they are there) in the same way.
It doesn't matter who is at fault, who did what. No one will *really* understand the other. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it's true. There ain't no justice, even in the blame game.
Of everything, this is one of the hardest things for me. I so desperately want my ex to 'get it', to feel my pain, understand me. It isn't going to happen. I had to let go of that hope. We never really understand anyone or their motivations, probably not even our own.
6- Maintain separation, but seek reconciliation.
Certainly at first, try to keep a clean separation between the two of you to reduce conflict. Don't ask for favors, don't expect anything from each other, you are divorced. Don't stop by their house to get stuff. Don't stop by their house unannounced. If you are late getting home and need your dog to be let out, ask a friend or neighbor. Assiduously discharge any obligations you have under your divorce decree. Avoid the appearance of skirting the letter or spirit of your decree.
Having established a clean boundary between you two, eventually try to establish, re-establish or maintain a friendship by maintaining simple, unloaded communication. Avoid heavy discussions. Ask your ex about their job, family. Talk about kids. If you are comfortable, eventually ask them over for supper with kids, if you have them, or a drink on the back patio while you watch kids play. If you feel like it, but only if you really do, do nice stuff for them, just because you want to. Don't do it thinking you'll get them back, make them regret anything, get something in return. If you're still at the get-them-back stage, keep your distance. You may never want to have them as a friend, or they, you, that's ok too.
Identify and avoid the problems of your marriage. In mine, some were: who did the most work (so doing favors was a really bad idea, post-divorce), money (so we never discuss finances), sex (we don't have any real discussions about our new relationships), telling the other person what to do, being unappreciated (so I try to thank her when she does stuff for the kids).
Try to become Zen about the new relationships your ex may now have. I decided I needed to get to know the guy she's dating, as he would be around my kids, so I invited them over for drinks last Sunday. My girlfriend was there too. It was a bit awkward, but it was ok, no one died. We eventually started talking about cars, jobs. My ex and I told funny family stories. It was a bit weird, but ok. You know what? my ex's boyfriend isn't a bad guy. He will probably never become a close friend, but he's ok. We both like beer and have in common that we care about my ex and my kids, not a bad starting point.
7- Try to avoid the common post-divorce dating mistakes
Here are some:
- Retreat into embittered celibacy. If men/women are such assholes/bitches (since your ex is), you never want to see another one. People need people. You need to have fun, do something other than stew over your divorce. If dating is too much, just go out with friends. Don't let the pain of your divorce cut you off from other people.
Nonetheless, there is something to be said for a time of quiet solitude. Being alone is simple and can be very peaceful. It gives you time for stuff you've always wanted to do: run, read, write, brew beer, build a deck, learn Spanish.
- Repeat your past dysfunctional behaviors or expect your new love to repeat those of your ex. I find myself trying to 'protect' my girlfriend from things that would (unreasonably) have made my ex angry. That is crazy. My girlfriend is not my ex. Her issues are different, and if they weren't I probably shouldn't be with her. I am also trying to learn from the pain of my failed marriage: what did I do that really was bad? How can I be a better, happier person, parent, partner. It's hard because at least some of that is deeply ingrained. It is also hard to admit that my ex, the spawn of Satan, may have anything useful or true to say about me. I am nonetheless hopeful, it's a chance to change myself.
- Get into a serious relationship with the first person you date. I did that. It isn't that it is so bad, in many ways she is wonderful and the best thing that could have happened to me. Nonetheless, I find myself having second thoughts about whether I want to be committed, obligated so quickly. A serious relationship takes time away from your other friends, hobbies, exercise, quiet alone time. I am not really free to spontaneously go out with friends, especially if one or more friends are women. That's just the way things are. Also, the likelyhood of this relationship surviving your crazy period is low, so spare that other nice person the drama you will drag them through.
Notwithstanding the above, for many of us (me), a serious committed relationship is in fact exactly what we need at the time. The sense of loss, void and despair we feel can only be met by a serious, emotionally intimate relationship. If so, do it, enjoy it, but be honest and truthful with the person you date, let them decide if they want to stay with the nut-case you will inevitably be during your break-in phase.
- Date like a crazy person. That isn't bad unless taken to extremes or you have kids living with you: a different person ever other night, sleeping with everything that moves and has the requisiste body parts. A friend of mine dated 80 women (that he remembers) in one year. Do the math. Interestingly, he reported it as very unsatisfying. Think of your kids, your duty to care for them and show them responsible behavior, what you want them to do when they are 20. if you find yourself blowing off your kids for the person you are dating or want to date, you have a problem. Stop it. There are also issues of STDs, pregnancy, and the emotional distress you may be putting the other person through if they think it is more than just a short fling.
If you don't have kids, you are careful and honest, and it fills a need of yours, go ahead. Relive that youth you may miss or have never had. Dating people is how you'll figure out what you really want (or not) in life and a potential partner.
8-Give time time
Here's the bottom line: you're going to be 'crazy' for a while, probably a year or more. Longer the longer you were married, the more difficult your divorce was, and if you are a guy.
My really crazy period (depression, anger, insomnia) seems to be over, but I've resigned myself to being at least slightly unbalanced for a good couple years. I still have a year to go, ok 18 months. It's ok, I'll get better eventually. Think of it as a really, really long cold.
Your kids will probably get over it much faster than you will. As long as you both make an effort to be good to them and to each other, their lives will not suck and they will adapt.
Your world as you knew it ended, but there is a whole new world out there. Be patient.
I hate being patient.
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