Domestic Impulse

I am discovering something interesting about myself: I desperately want to be married.

I don't mean that literally, I still have serious doubts about the institution of marriage as usually understood, and certainly about seeing myself married again. What I mean is I feel this incredibly strong impulse to commit to someone, attach to them, to come home to them, go shopping with them, make evening plans with them, play house if you will.

A friend and colleague of mine, also recently divorced after 20+ years of marriage, put it this way: those of us who grew up married are used to it, it is what feels natural, normal, comfortable. While commitment and obligation are confining in some sense (one must accept limits on one's behavior) this is our 'natural' state, it's what we really want.

I recently began dating someone. I meant to keep it casual, but my desire for intimacy, love and acceptance, both received and given, changed that plan. I was irresistibly drawn and 'fell' into a relationship with her. I would be embarrassed, except it feels so 'right', so good, so genuine and like what I need. I love not looking around for anything else, I love making plans to shop for groceries, sit out on the patio with a cold drink or a cup of coffee. I have no desire to drink or smoke, I have no ache I am trying to dull. I love pouring my affection onto her, making her feel loved and cared for and getting the same from her. I love the physical intimacy we share and the pleasure we bring each other, whether from 30-minute kisses or anything else. I love feeling desired and wanted as well as desiring and wanting her. I love being 'married' to her. In my more sober moments I fear for both of us: do I love her, or do I love being 'married'? What am I more attracted to: who she is or the emotional solace and quietude she provides me, the role she fills and allows me to fill?

I feel I am breathing for the first time in months, and the taste of that air is every bit as sweet as I imagined.

I also recognize that even if she is the 'perfect' match for me, and we are destined to be together long-term, I eventually need to date other women. I need to make sure I really love her and not her role. It would be a mistake to 'marry' in any sense of that word, the first woman who comes along. So what do I do? Stop dating her because I really like her? Only date women I don't really care about? This may sound stupid, but I am in a quandry. I don't want to hurt her, nor myself, and we are presently meeting each other's needs, our relationship is healthy and nurturing. Do I cut it off because it is that?

I think I have decided to stop worrying about it. Too much examination and introspection may kill the beauty of this relationship. At some point I need to drop the 30-year outlook and enjoy things for what they are, now, today. Life is full of pain, trying to avoid it is futile and counter-productive. If this relationship ends, it will hurt. So what? Should I never love because the end of love hurts?

I know what I can do: be honest and truthful, be true and faithful. That is easy, I do that pretty well, I think. I can also resolve to care for her regardless of the nature of our relationship. As long as we remain honest and true and decent and kind to each other, I think we'll be ok. Beyond that all I can do is hope, and do my best.

Hope is free.