On the cusp

This is just kind of a journal entry, given that I haven't written in so long.

I am on the cusp of beginning of the second volume of my adult life.

Baring unforseen and improbable complications, tomorrow, September 24th, 2008 at around 14:00 CDT, I will not be married, for the first time in over 22 years. I don't know how I'll feel. I don't know if I'll be happy, sad, angry (well I can guarantee I'll be angry at my lawyer, but I meant more generally). I have no idea. I think I'll feel some of everything.

The last several days have been better, for at least a few reasons.

First, the end is near, and there is just less stress about how this divorce is going to finish.

Secondly my ex (gotta get used to that term) and I are getting along very well. I've recovered a sense of family and friendship with her, which I sorely missed. Despite everything, we were always friends the last 25 years. Not always close friends, though usually, not always happy friends, though sometimes, but friends. The loss of the friendship was worse than anything I think. It felt like losing an arm. It is strange, I don't even always like who my ex is, how she acts, but I still want her to be my friend. I still feel the need to look out for her interests, and she is still looking out for mine. I think 'family' is the best analogy. You don't always like your family, sometimes quite the opposite, you sometimes argue with them, dislike them, but when they need you, you are there, you can't just write them off. That is what it feels like at this time.

Finally, I began dating someone, someone nice, someone who meets my needs for intimacy, as defined below (definition provided by my counselor). I desperately want friendship and intimacy. I yearn and thirst for it. Here's what my counselor suggested intimacy is:
- Attention
- Acceptance
- Appreciation
- Support
- Encouragement
- Affection
- Respect
- Security
- Comfort
- Approval
- Compassion
- Devotion
- Kindness
- Understanding
I look at that list and think to myself, I could live without anything else (romance, sex) if I just had those things, not even all of them. My pet theory is that this is what everyone is looking for in all our relationships. This is the connection that humans crave.

This is not the first time I have had those needs met. I have friends who give me that, some even more completely really than this new person can, as they know me better, are closer to me, have a more complete view of who I am. Isabelle gave me that to a large degree, despite the impediment of distance. My children sometimes give me that, though only partially as their understanding of me is limited by their child's perspective.

Intimacy, the feeling of being loved, cared for, listened to, is the most powerful anti-depressant ever. Whatever the source, it makes me feel normal, focused.

I don't need romance, I don't need sex, I don't need fun. I need intimacy like I need oxygen.

I hope my current mood is more than just a fleeting moment, a temporary euphoria induced by a surge of hormones and neurotransmitters. I hope it is at least in part due to an adjustment to the new reality of my life. We'll see.

Before I go, let me just add that despite my current very 'zen' outlook, I will tell you that divorce sucks. Absolutely. There is huge loss involved in any divorce. You, your spouse, your kids lose immeasurably. You will all be scarred for life. It may be the only solution, as I think was the case for me, but if there is any chance of making what you have work, give it everything you have. Don't settle for a pissy, mediocre marriage, insist that your needs be met, that you and your spouse be happy, but work at it as if your life depends on it. If after that, it still doesn't work, get a divorce quickly, nicely, and try to continue caring for each other. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Be happy, don't hurt others.


Night y'all.

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This is an update....

So I was divorced yesterday. The courtroom appearance was altogether perfunctory: we were called up first and it took all of 1 minute, 2 tops. The only trauma was when my lawyer told me I owed her another $1000, bringing it to a total of $4000, for a *completely* uncontested divorce in which all the terms were already agreed upon and written down when I hired her. She had said it should cost less than $1500. All she had to do was translate our wishes into a legal document a judge would sign. I obviously picked the wrong career.

I didn't have most of the feelings I had anticipated: not happy, not sad, maybe relieved, definitely mad at my lawyer. The rest of the day I was very pensive and introspective. I had the feeling I was strangely detached from my own life, sort of looking at it as though it were someone else's, watching a movie perhaps. I guess I had a hard time believing it had actually happened. I was rather nostalgic, thinking back on my life, what it had been. Mostly just detached though. I don't know how my life got here, it isn't the way I planned it. It isn't bad, it just isn't what I expected.

I recall feeling this way at funerals: someone you are close to dies and it gives you pause, a chance to consider your life and where it is going, where it's been, what it is. The fact is that I have a good life: I have people who love me: a good friend, family, kids, even my ex cares for me in many ways. I have a girlfriend who makes me feel loved, appreciated, wanted. I have an ok job, a nice house, enough money.

I think the thing I miss the most of my old life is knowing who I am, what my function is, where I fit in. I'm used to being a married father, my wife's husband, my in-laws' something-in-law. I'm none of those anymore. I'm used to having to tell someone what I'm doing, where I'm going. Making plans with them, laying out the roadmap of our joint future together. Negotiating money issues, house chores, hanging out together. I lost all my old habits, but do not yet have new ones.

This weekend, ironically enough, I am going to one of my brother's (1st) wedding. It is the first family function at which I won't be accompanied by my now-ex wife. I can't dance in the couple's dance anymore. It's strange, it just feels weird. It's not that I have forgotten how unhappy I was being married, nor do I think the divorce was avoidable. Given who we were, what had happened, it was the least bad alternative. It's like graduating without a job: you walk out and everything is possible, but you have no idea where you are going or what to do.

I'll be ok, but I will tell you that I feel completely lost.

Here's to the great unknown of life.