Birthday

So today is my birthday. I'm 44 today.

Damn I'm getting old. Of course as a friend of mine said many years ago now "It beats the alternative".

I was born 5 weeks after JFK was assasinated. My mother tells me I was named for one of JFK's bodyguards who acted bravely or was hurt in the incident, although I can't find any reference to anyone sharing any part of my name.

I am just a bit too young to be a real baby boomer and just a bit too old to be a gen-X'er.

I'm old enough to have seen the rise of the computer industry, but too young to have lived through it's heroic era where people fixed computers with soldering guns and oscilloscopes and actually read "core dumps".

I saw the battle of the CPUs be won by Intel and the battle of the OS' be won by MicroSoft, resulting in the domination of the Wintel duopoly. I saw the emergence and death or near-death of many great technology companies: Compaq, DEC, Cray, SGI, Atari, TRS. I saw icon of American innovation dwindle to a mere shadow of their former selves: IBM, HP, AT&T, Xerox. I saw Apple rise, fall and rise again.

I saw the invention of the "internets", and used it when it was ArpaNet, run by the DoD.

I was an adult when communism collapsed of its own weight and still have a "Dukakis-Bentsen" yard sign, as well as an "Al Gore '88" Button.

I remember the central American proxy wars of the 80's and Ortega, Colonel North, Iran-Contra. I remember Noriega and the murdurous regimes in Guatemala and Argentina.

I saw the emergence of the War on Drugs and the "Just Say No" campaign and the ensuing imprisonement of millions of Americans on charges that would have been ignored a decade earlier.

I remember when catalytic converters were made mandatory on cars and leaded gas was phased out. The US automotive industry warned of it's imminent demise as a result.

I remember the first great alternative energy movement, the energy crisis of the 70's and President Carter turning down the White House thermostats and wearing a sweater.

I saw the invention of crock pots, crazy glue, and the begining of the fitness movement (adults didn't always run).

I remember SCTV and the glorious era of Saturday Night Live (75-80) when they were really funny. I remember when Letterman used to throw flaming gasoline-filled watermelons off the top of buildings.

I remember the Challenger disaster, the Rodney King incident, "if the glove don't fit, you must acquit", the second LA riots ('88?). The first Iraq war.

I remember when the pronunciation "harassment" changed litteraly overnight to the British one with emphasis on the 1st syllable. (Supreme court Judge Thomas' nomination hearings in which he was accused of asking is that was a pubic hair on Anita Hill's Coke can. I was changing a water heater that day).

I am old enough that I can see several distinct phases of my life: Childhood, college, grad school, NY and now TX. I can see how I've changed during each of those phases, how I really became someone different.

I am old enough to be able to look at myself and see who I really am. Sometimes I like it, other times not. I know who I am (mostly), but still don't always know what I want (apparently).

I am old enough to be confident in what I know and can do, but young enough to still be insecure and frightened about what I can't do.

I am old enough to be happy with and thankful for what I have, but young enough to want more.
May I always be so.

Yearning

yearn: (yûrn)
intr.v. yearned, yearn·ing, yearns
1. To have a strong, often melancholy desire.
2. To feel deep pity, sympathy, or tenderness: yearned over the child's fate.


Yearning for intimacy.
Yearning for connection.
Yearning for passion.
Yearning for tenderness.
Yearning to love.
Yearning to feel alive.
Yearning to feel glorious.
Yearning to be wanted.
Yearning to be desired.
Yearning to talk and be heard.
Yearning to be understood.
Yearning to feel interesting.
Yearning to hold and be held.
Yearning to brush hair from a face.
Yearning to be gazed at.
Yearning to caress and be caressed.
Yearning to kiss and be kissed with abandon.
Yearning to be yearned for.

Yearning to yearn.

The End of Information

Last night I was watching an episode of a TV show on my laptop. It was fairly interesting, well acted, good character development. A bit too "soap opera"-ish, but that's ok.

There was one line which really resonated with me: "When you run out of new information, it's time decide". It doesn't mean making a decision is easy, but it means there is, or should be, an end to the data-gathering and data-processing phase.

I tend to over-analyze and over-discuss everything, as the gentle reader may have noted. This is not a good quality when done in excess.

I sometimes lose patience with myself, why can't I just decide what I want to do and do it, instead of interminably talking, thinking, blogging about it?

I have a difficult, but painfully simple choice facing me.

I'm out of new information.

I should decide.

Hard Things

I've always been good at not quitting hard things. Really hard things, and really never quitting. I think part of it is because of the way I was raised: one never gives up, quits, or shies away from a difficult task. Part of it is because of fear and insecurity too: I fear the unknown. The familiar, no matter how difficult, is the devil I know. I am a very prudent person, sometimes overly so.

This is often a useful habit, but not always. There are hard things that aren't worth it.

I spent 8 years in a graduate program, from age 22 to age 30. The best years of my life, in many ways. While other people where having kids, traveling, building careers, living, I was learning things that have little usefulness in my current life. Moreover, my adviser was one of the two true narcissistic sociopaths I have met and made my life a living hell, but I stuck with him because that's what I do.

I spent at least 6 years in absolute marital misery, not divorcing primarily because I didn't want to give up. During that time my spouse and I inflicted much emotional pain on each other and our one child at the time, possibly scarring her for life. Wouldn't want to quit, now would we? Wouldn't be prudent.

As our last house needed a lot of work, for many years I spent most holidays and many weekends working on it doing major construction, something I knew nothing about. This was time I didn't spend with my family.

I stayed in my first job for at least 3 years after it started really sucking really bad, contributing to my low-grade depression and marital problems.

I stayed in an exercise group for three years after I stopped liking it because the instructor completely changed the format and content of the class.



While I tend to overdo the whole sticking-with-it thing, it does have upsides too:

My stint in grad school allowed me to discover a lot about the world: I look at the world and understand (in part) how it works. I love that. I met dozens of wonderful people and formed some beautiful relationships. It eventually led me to a good career which allows me to get things that really do make me happy. I know that things aren't supposed to, but that's not completely true. My horrible adviser gave me the ability to tolerate almost any behavior with equanimity. I can constructively work with the most difficult and unpleasant people. I don't like it, but I can do it. That has proven invaluable on many occasions.

Because I remained married, I now have two wonderful children who fill my life with joy. My spouse is a great parent, who has helped form who my children are and gave them experiences I could not have. I have a hard time imagining someone who could be a better parent, friend, colleague, roommate than my spouse. I also learned a lot about relationships and how to live with someone, or at least how not to.

I have learned how to work on houses, which allowed us to have a much nicer house than we could have otherwise. My spouse and I mixed and poured concrete two Christmases in a row, in the snow. We converted a basement into a very nice apartment, built 1500 sq ft of decking which we enjoyed immensely. Our best times as a couple were working on the house together.

I went on several long-distance bicycle/camping as well as long canoe/camping trips. I have done some with my spouse, with my oldest child, a very good friend. They were hard, but I still think about them 3 years after my last one. They were great bonding experiences.

When my last job ended, I happened to be looking for work at exactly the right time and found a better job in a much nicer location. I have made some good friends. I have been given this wonderful chance to reexamine my life and rediscover a sense of passion and excitement.


Much of my blog has revolved around the question of whether I should give up on my marriage or work harder at it; give up on getting my emotional and romantic needs met entirely/primarily through it or try harder. Unfortunately, I can't trust myself to give up, even if that is the best thing, and even if it would be obvious to others in a similar situation. Apparently, one can have too much of a good thing. And yet, there are times when toughing it out is the best thing to do.

It is a fine art to know what/when to quit and when to hunker down and tough it out. The thing is that you never know ahead of time what the best solution is, so you just do the best you can and what seems like a good idea at the time.

I wish I was better at that.