Rage

[Warning: This is not a well-composed or written piece. It also an angry piece, very angry, and has a lot of swearing in it. It was written at 3 am, in a hurry, the only thing I could think to do with my emotions.]


Remember that anger I couldn't seem to find?

I think I found it, it was stuck in the couch cushions, next to the remote, three pennies and a piece of old gum.

Rage erupted in me today, a storm front's black wall: violent, overpowering, flashing, blinding, howling, raging. I don't know what to do with it, it is there, pounding at my head, barbarians at the gates. I can't let it in, I don't want it in. Not for my ex-wife, not even for my kids. For me. I don't want that dark beast to eat me up like some poor tormented devil, spitting out dessicated bones and the shell of a man. Yet it is there, howling, clanging.

People, meet rage, rage... people:

I HATE my ex-wife's infidelity.

I HATE the betrayal, the 18 years of lies, the utter and complete abuse of my trust, my unconditional and absurdly dedicated obligation to her. I didn't speak to other women for 22 years because she might be jealous, it might hurt her, wouldn't want that, would we? It wouldn't be fucking PROPER! Should I laugh or cry at that? I don't know.

I HATE that even now, she doesn't understand how her actions have eviscerated our marriage, destroyed everything it was supposed to be. She gutted it like a fish, leaving it gasping, dying, a putrid shell of the living thing it once was. How she can even entertain the notion that I would want to get back with her, after I "get over" what she did. As recently as today she pointed out what a small part of her life it was: only 5 of the last 18 years. She was actually faithful for an entire 4 years before she took her first lover. She had the decency to take of her wedding ring when she fucked him though, out of consideration for me I guess. She generously refrained from taking lovers for 8 years when we lived in the woods in NY. That ended though, the first time she had an opportunity and thought she could get away with it, when she was adopting our second child overseas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But it's because we weren't getting along, making it both our faults.

I HATE how she continues to downplay how important it was, how she says it was "such a small part of (her) life": after all only 25% of all the sex she had during our marriage was with other people, that wasn't really that much. During the time that 90% of all the sex she was having was with her lovers, it was because she was immature and we weren't getting along. That makes it ok I guess.

I HATE how she considered it normal that a continued friendship with her last lover was simply a non-negotiable item, something she was going to do, because she could and I wouldn't leave. Moreover it was non-negotiable that she continue a private email relationship with that last thieving adulterous prick, because it would be a violation of her independence for me to be able to see what they say to each other.

I HATE that she exposed my little girl to this shit, negligently allowing my little (11 y.o.) baby to see lover #5's erect penis, the first one she will ever have seen, and listen to them screw like rutting pigs for hours, then making her hold the secret for 6 months. Now there's some good motherin'.

I HATE that she has made me feel like this separation is my fault for not being able to "deal" with her years of infidelity, her 100+ dirty little fuck sessions, her 5-day romantic Barcelona honeymoon with the last asshole who fucked her, her trips to Vietnam with our kids to visit another fucker.

I HATE that she stole my memories, sullied them. All those times she "went on vacation", "studied late", "worked", "went on a business trip", "went to a party with some friends". Lies, all fucking lies, every last one of my best memories now a morbid testament to her treacherous deceit.

I HATE how she took this marriage, and turned it into a farce, "a safe base" (her words) from which she could freely explore her sexual independence.

I HATE how she used me, simply squeezed everything she could out of me and my, MY marriage for her own personal gain. Fuck her kids, fuck her husband (not literally, she had people for that), what really matters is her happiness and recovering the sense of autonomy and independence she missed.

I HATE how she refuses to understand that marriage is about obligation and commitment, how a refusal to accept those is simply incompatible with any kind of committed relationship, how marriage cannot be about trying to assert your own personhood and independence.

I HATE that I have felt so ridiculously obligated to protect her from the shame and humiliation of the world knowing what she did. Let them know. Let the whole goddamn world know! Her parents, her family, her cousins, why not? This is the life she chose, why not expose it?

I HATE that she doesn't understand that promises mean something, that openness and trust should be inviolable, that abusing someone's inability to believe you would lie to them is a terrible, horrible thing.

I HATE that my wife killed the innocent, idealistic, well-intentioned girl I married and replaced her with a lying, cheating, amoral, honorless, narcissistic slut, willing to sell everything that matters in life for a few dozen fucks and a sense of independence.

I HATE, most of all, that she brought to life this angry beast, now speaking, this beast of mine, who is so hard to keep in check, but for whom I am wholly, totally responsible. I own my emotions, they are mine, no one else's, God damn it!

I had an illicit sexual encounter too, tell everyone. It was wrong. It felt good: I was genuinely, hopelessly, madly in love with my lover, it did wonderful things to me, but it was completely wrong. I took things that did not belong to me: my lover's passion, my wife's trust. For that I apologize to my lover, her husband, God how I apologize to him, her kids, her family, the Universe. I am abjectly sorry for my thievery, for contributing to the death of someone else's dreams.

Let everything out! No more secrets! I was overly cautious, conservative, boring, controlling. I was emotionally unavailable for my wife when she needed me. Tell everyone everything... NOW. Let the chips fall where they may. You want my parents' phone number, here, I'll dial it for you.

My wife sold our spiritual love, her soul and integrity, my trust, this absurd and beautiful ideal of marriage for a couple hundred hours of passion. I hope for her it was worth the price.

Actions have consequences, fucking deal with them.


Now where did my happy place go? I thought I saw it next to the remote.