Depression

Depression's a bitch.

There are as many reasons for depression as there are people I think. My own experience with depression has taught me a few things about myself. The first is that I think I am naturally a rather happy, social, gregarious person. Secondly, I need people and social interaction to be happy. I don't do well all by myself. Thirdly, I have a well-developed stress response, much too well developed.

The upshot of the above is that when I am relatively stress-free (job, money, marriage) and have active friendships, I am happy. When life turns to crap, and my social life dries up, I get depressed.

Regrettably, that happens to be where I am now. I am finding it difficult to focus, to work (thus making my work-stress worse, funny thing that), to enjoy or even put up with my kids, to relate to others. I find it difficult to talk or enjoy the company of other people. I can't sleep. I can't get myself to exercise, which also doesn't help. I seem to be suffering from anhedonia, one good side-effect of which is that I don't really want to drink... much, but I can't seem to enjoy much of anything either. My mood could best be described as "flat". I'm not so much sad as I feel nothing. I also recall this being a response I've had in the past to stress: just shutting down to be able to deal with it and get through the day, do what I must do and carry on.

I am buoyed by the recollection of happy times, even rather recently, and the firm belief that my depression is entirely situational. The most useful statement ever made to me was by a counselor I was seeing years ago. He said something to the effect that there are times when it is completely normal to be depressed. I think this is one of those times. I'm normal, my life just happens to really suck right now. I will get through it, this isn't my brain, this is my brain on crap.

Being a person of plans, here is mine: I am in the process of selling a house, that will be a huge stress relief as well as a financial one. That should happen by mid-March. Around that time, perhaps in May, I need to resolve, one way or another, my marriage issue. Fix it, really fix it, or get the hell out. I simply cannot continue as it is now. I want to start running again. That is hard no matter what, doubly so when it is cold and double that again when I am down. This will give me a chance to "live on purpose". I am great at making plans, follow-through... not so much.

A friend recently posted this quote on her blog, the single best quote I have ever read, bar none:
You took my joy, I want it back.
--Lucinda Williams

That is my statement to the universe: I want my joy back, I want my happiness back, I want my life back.

I'm coming to take them.